Thursday, September 29, 2011


Tomorrow is a big day for me- I'm flying to OKC to visit Hilary's family and see the new yiddle baby.  I cannot wait.  I just booked the flight on Monday, so I haven't even really had the chance to think about it, but it's already here!  I called Hilary to make sure it was okay for me to come, so she and David know, but the kids don't.  I AM BUSTING with excitement.  I can't wait to see the looks on their faces.  I'm hoping for a repeat of this:
I'm fairly certain I'll get a great response from Luke, too, but it won't last long because he'll immediately say "where's Jacob."  EEKS!  I'm so excited. 

Other happenings here include the fact that this afternoon as I was gorging myself on some greek yogurt I bought yesterday, I was thinking "boy look at me.  I am so healthy!"  Then I looked at the nutritional content and realized it was loaded with fat.  That's what I get for trying to get yogurt as my sweet treat rather than DOTS.  Don't worry, it won't happen again.  Also in an attempt to be healthy (or just consume less calories), I bought diet Dr. Pepper at the store today.  I forgot how diet drinks work on my body.  That was a big time mistake.  I think I got 5 ounces into it, and had to go the bathroom.  I might as well be drinking straight laxatives. 

I drove by our house today and was VERY pleased to see the roofers were there.  When I went by later that afternoon, it looked like they had finished the whole roof.  See, was that so hard?  I'd like to believe my builder heard my voicemail and it put the fear of God in him.  Soooo I'm gonna stick with that. I tried to call Charlie, the guy at the flooring store today, but he was worthless as usual.  I asked him if he had the cabinet sample he promised to give me on Wednesday, and he told me he'd text my realtor and see if he could get it.  Good luck, pal.  I told him I was going out of town Friday and wouldn't be back until the following Wednesday, but that didn't seem to mean anything to him.  He just rushed me off the phone, saying "okay, I'll text Susie."  You've been so helpful.  Commence eye roll............

Jacob came home from running at the gym tonight and was describing some doofus that was irritating him.  He said the guy kept trying to pass him, but as soon as he did, he'd just get in front of Jacob and slow way down.  Also, he mentioned the guy ran really weird.  That's when I realized he was talking about my ol' platypus friend, Zak, the Bill Hader look-alike with (imaginary) voice immodulation disorder.   
I totally feel validated in thinking this guy is a total turd now, since even Jacob thought he was annoying.  Bad news for you Zak.  You've irritated not one, but TWO Riemers.  That means destruction!  Or just more crook eye.

Nermal update:  Samsung's totally jacked and if you ever talk to Latisha in their Executive Customer Relation Department, tell her she's the worst.  Jacob and I were willing to give them another chance and take a new tablet to replace Nermal (RIP), but Latisha told me today (with serious attitude) that they could only give me a refurbished one.  I told her (with loathing) I wanted nothing to do with a refurbished one.  She said that they were currently not producing any galaxy tabs, so they would not be able to get me a new one.  RED FLAG.  They're not making them?!  That's a bad sign.  I told her so, and then proceeded to start the refund process.  Let me tell you, it's a slow process.  In 15-22 business days, they should have my refund back to me.  We shall see.  I have a feeling Latisha's gonna regret giving me her extension soon, if she doesn't after the 5 phone calls today. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

It's Go Time

Lots of people are getting on my nerves these days.  Most notably, my realtor, our home builder, the guy who works at the flooring/appliance store, and every person at Samsung.  This morning I called Samsung for the 12 time to find out when Nermal would be shipped back.  I went through the whole spiel, how I knew it was fixed, but it hadn't been shipped and I wanted to know why and when they would send it.  After being hung up on, I called back and went through the whole thing again. This time, I was put on hold while the representative called the repair center to ask them directly why it hadn't shipped (why it took a week to do this, I don't know).  When he came back on the line, he told me that the information had been input wrong and that Nermal had NOT been fixed.  They were actually waiting on the motherboard, and we would most likely be entitled to a refund or replacement.  He transferred me to some lady who told me they would send me a refurbished tablet to replace Nermal, to which I responded:
I told her that after having Nermal for less than a month, and it already breaking and having HORRIBLE experience with their customer service, the last thing I wanted was a tablet that had ALREADY broken.  No thanks, try again.  So then she offered to give me a "new or comparable model" which really confused me.  I said, "So I can get a brand new one?"  She was like "yes or a comparable one."  What does that mean?  It's a tablet.  What do they have that compares to that?  I told her that was ridiculous.  We bought a tablet because we wanted a tablet.  Try again, girlfriend.  So she said they would send me a brand new one.  I asked about getting a refund, which she didn't take kindly to, so I explained that because Nermal broke so quickly, and everyone that works in their customer service is as smart and helpful as a dishwater, I wasn't excited about the idea of getting another one.  Jacob and I are going to talk about it a little bit more, and I think we probably will just have them send a new one because everything we read online is really positive, and we may have just gotten a lemon.  But I will say, if you ever have to call Samsung's customer service, GODSPEED.

Another person who's on my list is the builder of our house.  Here's the thing.  I'm a pretty understanding person when things come up, as long as they're communicated with me.  Here's something I hate: being ignored.  I don't like when my emails are ignored and I don't like when my phone calls are not returned.  It's very rude.  So Jacob talked to our builder on Tuesday, and he told us that the roofer would be at the house today (Wednesday) to start working.  When I drove by today and saw that there was no roofer, I got pretty frustrated since the house has been sitting for a week with no work and the roofing is holding stuff up.  So I called our builder and he asked me to call him back in 10 minutes because he was busy.  So I called back 10 minutes later, and got his voicemail, so I told him there was no one at the house, despite his promise to the contrary, and he needed to call me back.  Did he?  Nah.  When I drive by that house tomorrow, if there isn't anyone working, WATCH OUT WORLD.  I'm gonna call the realtor and the builder and go all George Costanza on them and they WILL NOT LIKE IT.

Another wang who's irritating me is the guy at the flooring place.  He was supposed to call me today to let me know if he could get a sample of the cabinets to compare with the flooring and see what looks best.  Obviously, since everyone in this town hates me, he didn't call, and knowing my luck, we won't be working for another month, so I'll just be stuck waiting since NO ONE ELSE THAT WORKS THERE KNOWS ANYTHING.  Also, I gave him a list of appliances to look up for me so he could tell me what the cost would be to order them.  Something tells me that list is stuck to a Snickers wrapper in the trash somewhere and he'll never get around to doing that.  I just really don't understand how people do business up here.  I get that it's a small town and people live a "slower" lifestyle, but since when does that mean people have no common courtesy or work ethic?  Some one calls you, you better freaking call them back.  You tell someone you're going to do something by a certain day, freaking GET IT DONE.  Not that hard.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


I just realized it's after midnight in Houston, which means it's the birthday of two of my favorite guys!  I'd like to give a special shout-out to Tom, who is turning 26 today.  Who would've thought that when we met in 7th grade and you hated me, that we'd still be talking, 13 years later!?!?!  I'm so glad we somehow became friends in 8th grade because he's been my best friend ever since.  He's one of the funniest, most honest people I know, and he is the ONLY person who has the ability to bring me entirely out of one of my funky moods.  He's put up with a lot of complaining and period talk over the years, and for that, he's top notch.  I wish I was still in town so we could go celebrate!  And by celebrate, I mean just watch a marathon of Parks & Rec and the Ricky Gervais Show.

Another birthday boy today is my brother-in-law, Roland.  Roland, like Tom, always makes me laugh, and always says things I'm not expecting from him.  He also has one of the biggest hearts for animals of anyone I know, which means I think he's the tops.  I'm sure Aimee has something great planned for his birthday, even if it's just eating something super delicious she's made.  Her cookies are the best, no joke.

Anyways, happy birthday, Tom and Roland!!! I love you both like crazy and I hate that I won't see either one of you today!  Hope it's the best birthday yet! I hope it's like being hyper on Sweetums and drunk on Snake Juice, all wrapped into one:


An Attempt at Socializing

A couple weeks back, I had received an evite for Bunco night for the ladies of Marathon, meaning the women who work there, or the wives of the Marathon men.  As many of you know, I'm not great at meeting new people, so getting enough courage to open the evite alone took me three days.  I am not the brightest, and misread the evite, thinking it was for September 13, and RSVP'd no, since it was Jacob's birthday.  I was so excited that I had an excuse to miss it, and very pleased with myself that it was in no way fabricated.  After talking to my next door neighbor, Nicole, I realized that I'm actually a dummy, and the evite was for September 27th.  I made this realization at about 3:30 this afternoon and didn't stop sweating for the next seven hours.  I opened the invitation again and saw that the lady hosting Bunco had commented on my reason for not going, telling me I had the date wrong (and probably wondering if I was special needs).  Despite lots of back and forth in my head, I changed my RSVP to yes and told myself I had to go and meet people.  As soon as I clicked the YES button, I could feel the loser inside me telling my nervous and endorcine system to amp up the sweating.  Then I saw on the invitation that we were supposed to bring an appetizer to share.  Now at this point, I'm still 3 hours away from having to go, so technically I have plenty of time to go buy stuff to make something, but I don't have that much fight in me, and I said (aloud, to myself) "well, it looks like the universe doesn't want me to go!"  After a few minutes of visualizing walking into a house of strangers pointing and laughing at me for not bringing any snacks, I put on some more deodorant and went next door to talk to Nicole.  She told me it wouldn't be a big deal to not bring anything, and even suggested we ride together, which eliminated a stressful situation I had not even begun to panic about, so I went back to my apartment.
On the way over there, we got lost a few times, showed up almost half an hour late, and were still the second people there.  Everyone already knew each other, so I just stood around nodding for awhile like a bobblehead, but we got to playing pretty quickly and it was actually fun.  I HATE a lot of games, and people have always said, oh Bunco's an easy game people play as an excuse to get drunk and talk.  They were not kidding.  I still can't figure out Monopoly and I had this game figured out in five minutes (most people could get it in 2).  15 minutes into playing, my partner, who is probably 50-something, literally fell out of her chair laughing.  I don't even think she drank that much, she's just a goofy person, but it was hilarious.  I ended up with crazy beginner's luck and won $15 and a  really cute candleholder and candle!  I did the best out of everyone and they were saying they weren't going to invite me back.  Hopefully that was a joke.........So I'm really glad I went after all, because I did have a really good time.  I also had 2 Mike's Hard Lemonades, which means I was pretty flushed and probably laughing at everyone's jokes. 

Monday, September 26, 2011

House Stuff - UPDATED

I'm purely soliticting opinions and suggestions here, folks, because I've got some decisions to make about our house and I'm stumped.  We're supposed to be ordering our flooring (carpet and tile) soon, but we were just able to meet with the guy at the flooring place to give us all our options today.  Because this is a local store, and not exactly a well-oiled machine, it's been pretty frustrating trying to use them to pick out the flooring (appliances too).  So here's where I'm at- I need help picking my tile.  I'm fairly certain of the carpet I want.  I tried to find a picture of it on the brand's website, but it is quite possibly the worst website I've ever used, so I just had to do a google image search of the brand and color, so this may not be exactly right, but you get the idea.  Behold, our carpet:
So now, the trouble is I need to find tile that matches, but isn't too matchy matchy.  Jacob and I had picked out a tile, Chocolate:
 The problem however, is that when we went in today to meet with the man at this store who coordinates between us and our builder, he kept hovering over us, talking about how dark colors were "in" and how this chocolate looks really great and they do a lot of it.  Sorry, but if you're trying to sell me on it, it's not working.  In fact, you've taken my favorite tile and made me hate it.  It's super snobby of me, but I feel like if this tile is a big deal in this town, then I want nothing to do with it.  It's gotta be really dated if everyone in town likes it, right?  He picked out like four other colors that he said were the most popular and I hated each and everyone of them more than the one before.  In fact, when he pulled out the tile he said was his favorite and that they install the most, it was this hideous peach and mint green tile and it was everything I could do to not lift it over my head and smash it to pieces.  He was like "Oh!  Here's this one, we do this the most.  Isn't it so nice?"  Is this Candid Camera?  Are you kidding me, guy?  That's really ugly, and you're not doing a lot to make me value your opinion.  Sooooooo now that he's told me that Chocolate is popular, it makes me hate it.  But the other options I picked were really light, and Jacob was worried that light floors plus the light carpet plus our cabinets might just be too light.  He thought we needed some contrast there, and I think he's probably right.  By the way, here is the look we're going for with our cabinets, hopefully this helps you visualize it with the flooring:
 It should go without saying that our kitchen will not be as big or as fabulous as this one, but this is the basic look of the cabinets we want; white with a brown glaze to antique it a bit.

UPDATED: I also wanted to add our counter tops, to help visualize the color scheme.  The wide shot looks pretty boring, but you can see, there is a lot more color and texture in the close up.
So now for our other tile options- this is one of the light ones that I picked out.  I realize the website's simulator doesn't make for a great idea of color or detail, but it's the best I can do.  Okay, I just loaded it, and I'm not sure why the picture disappeared and everything went white except for the floor.  It's like it was ghost furniture.  Try to get past it.
When Jacob told me in the store that the one above (Slate Greige) was probably too light, I was so irritated about the salesman pushing Chocolate, that I grabbed this one, called Black Earth.  I might be biased because I love the staircase in this picture, but I think it's kind of pretty.  Our walls will be about that color (a little less peach), and I think the floor looks good with it, but not sure how it matches the kitchen cabinets.
I like this tile because in person it actually looks like slate (not cheap tile, which it is), and I feel like it looks more expensive than the others.  However, it is called Black Earth, so it's obviously pretty dang dark.  What do you think?  Is it too dark?  What's your favorite?  Am I being unreasonable about the Chocolate tile?  I'm in desperate need of some help here, people.

In other news, I have called Samsung everyday for the last week to find out when they're shipping back Nermal (our Galaxy Tab).  They have some of the worst customer service ever, and even though Nermal was fixed on the 19th, they still haven't sent it back.  What's amazing is that I've had not one but TWO customer service representatives hang up on me.  I'm not even being that rude!  I've gotten to the point that when they tell me how many days it will be before Nermal gets shipped back, I just instantly respond with "I'm fairly certain you made that up."  They're never really sure how to handle that.  I just got off the phone with Samsung and the guy told me that I should call back tomorrow and they would have more information for me then.  Really, guy?  I've been calling for a week straight and no one knows anything.  Pretty sure you're just trying to get me off the phone.  I'm giving them a few more days before I put KT on it.  They're going to miss my sarcastic questions (they don't translate anyways) once they get a load of KT.  I'm pretty sure she never accomplishes what she wants when she calls customer service, but she gets her point across.  Over the years and after numerous customer service and IT phone calls, India has learned lots of new insults and swear words, thanks to her.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

How to Irritate Me During Church

Obviously I'm someone who is extremely easy to irritate.  I am aware of this, and I've never tried to pretend I'm anything other than a crabby eye-roller.  I'd say the easiest places to get me fired up are the road, the grocery store, and the gym.  Anyone who has been on the phone with me when I'm driving knows how easily I irritate.  What can I say, I don't like inconsiderate people.  Well today I got pretty fired up during church.  When we sat down, there was a man to my left, and a family to Jacob's right.  At some point, the man next to me acquired like 7 little kids, all of whom he crammed into the space between us (which was not big enough for 1 person).  Normally, I'd like to think I'm pretty understanding of kids in church.  I know it can be pretty boring, and I get that you get restless. BUT it's the responsibility of the parent (or in this case grandparent or strange uncle) to teach the kid what is acceptable church behavior, and what is disrespectful and distracting to others.  I'm fairly certain the guy sitting next to me would have allowed these kids to set off fireworks and play the bongos during church.  During praise & worship, we were standing up singing, while the little girl next to me sat on the pew and put her feet up on my legs, then got behind me and kicked my bottom.  To top it all off, at one point I could feel hair brushing my leg, and I looked down to see her laying on the pew with her head hanging off, looking up my dress.  At no point did she leave me alone, and her grandfather seemed totally indifferent to her behavior.  I know the curiosity and adventurous spirit of a child is supposed to be a charming thing, but I honestly wanted to punch the girl in the face.  I don't care if you're only 5, if you don't stop kicking me and trying to see my underwear, we are going to have serious problems.  The lady sitting behind me must have known the little girl, because she was talking to her and making jokes and laughing at her antics.  Look lady, I'm being nice because she's a child, but you're about to be missing some teeth if you don't stop encouraging her.  Finally, when praise & worship was over, all the kids left to go to children's church and my blood pressure went back to normal.  At least I can recognize when I'm not in the right mindset for church.  That's a step in the right direction, I think.

During the sermon, there was a baby in the row behind me that started to get fussy.  As we've already established, I'm very irritable, but the baby didn't bother me in the slightest.  It's a baby, and it's just fussy.  No big deal.  Well try telling that to the lady in front of me because she started doing the subtle over-the-shoulder glance to the mother.  After a few glances, she started to get much more obvious, turning her head all the way, staring at the mother, and giving her the stink eye.  After a few minutes, she guilted the mother into taking the child out.  He wasn't even crying!  After a few minutes, I realized I had met the lady in front of me before.  Several weeks ago, during the welcome portion of the church service, the Pastor said he wanted us to greet everyone around us and make an attempt to learn people's names.  This lady (I can't remember her name, but I'll call her Darlene), was sitting next to Jacob and I.  When I shook her hand, she told me her name was Darlene, and I said "Hi, I'm Hayley."  To which she responded "WHAT!?" like it was the most outrageous thing she'd ever heard.  I repeated it and she ROLLED HER EYES AT ME and said "well I guess I'll remember that one."  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?!?!  I should have taken her out then, because clearly she's still up on some sort of high horse, and honestly I'd love to be the one to take her down.  Who openly mocks someone elses name?  I don't even have that weird of a name!  So needless to say, when I realized it was Darlene in front of me who had shamed that young mother into taking her mostly-quite baby out of church, I really wanted to exact some vengeance on her.  I considering crossing my legs and kicking her bottom, but I didn't....And yes, I missed several minutes of the sermon because of all this.  What can I say, I'm easily distracted.  But if you're a glass half-full kinda person, at least I'm leaving plenty of room for the Holy Spirit to work.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Rough Day

What should have been an exceptional Saturday was wasted because our football team lost today....Jacob has been anxiously awaiting this game all week, and he wanted me to make some snacks for the game today.  My plan was to make the Queso Blanco recipe from Dana's blog, but since I live in a ridiculous town, the ONLY white American cheese I could find was the store brand single slices.  Probably not the greatest option.  But anyways, I was really excited about making it because basically every time we go to Applebee's (aka Dickinson's hot spot), we get Queso Blanco for our appetizer (half price after 9pm!).  Unfortunately, Jacob and I were both too superstitious to move for the first half of the football game, so he stayed in the same spot on the couch (despite needing to pee), and I stayed in the recliner.  Up 20-3 at halftime, we both agreed it was safe to move, so he was off to go to the bathroom, and I started making the queso.  The second half had already started by the time I finished, and I could tell the game was going downhill quickly, so I lost my appetite after only a few bites of the queso.  Jacob had a little bit, but also lost interest pretty quickly because of the game, so I ended up putting it in the fridge without hardly putting a dent in it.  Once the game was over, and both of our moods were totally in the toilet, I was trying to make conversation with Jacob to get his mind off the game.  While washing the cars, I said "so what did you think of the queso?  You didn't say much."  His response: "well it was pretty bland, but that's probably because you had to use that individual cheese."  Now, I do agree with him.  I do think the cheese wasn't the greatest, which made the queso have less flavor.  HOWEVER, when you ask someone what they think of something you make, you wish their first instinct wasn't bland.  In his defense, I do appreciate his honesty, but...come on, guy, break it to me a little easier.  In another attempt to brighten Jacob's post-game mood, I made turkey lettuce wrap tacos, one of Jacob's new favorites.  It didn't work.  He's still a sourpuss.  BUT the tacos were delicious, and I highly recommend them.  Super easy, and I feel like they're pretty healthy...right?

This weekend, the high school was hosting a volleyball tournament, and some the games were played at my gym.  During my run around the track, I was passing the time by watching the volleyball games.  While one team was warming up, I noticed that one of the girls on the team looked about 5 months pregnant.  I don't mean that as an insult in anyway.  I genuinely think she was pregnant.  How is that allowed?  Back in the day, I took a fair share of volleyballs to my face and gut (I'm not the best), and dove on my stomach at least 12 times per game, so I'm pretty sure if you're pregnant, volleyball is not the sport for you.  At one point, I thought I saw her put her hand on her stomach, so I'm fairly certain her teammates and coaches know she's expecting.  They're probably like "ahhh, you're baby's got team spirit!"  No, you wang, it's a fetus.  They kick.  When I left the gym at about 10:30, I passed a park where there were several couples dressed up like they were going to homecoming, taking pictures.  It was 10:30 AM.  What school hosts their homecoming that early in the day?!  Also, the dresses these girls were wearing to homecoming were pretty horrendous.  Not sure what I'd expect since you can only shop at Walmart and Herbergers, but these people know you can buy clothes on the internet, right?  Maybe the townsfolk don't understand the capabilities of the interweb.

Speaking of Herbergers, Jacob and I went to the mall on Friday because we had to go to the bank (yes, the bank is located in the mall).  After we finished depositing the money, I asked if we could go into Herbergers.  Jacob acquiesced, but the second we walked in, he seemed bored and told me he had nothing to shop for.  Rather than having him breathing down my neck, I pushed him towards the men's department and ran the opposite way, hoping for some time alone to circle the purses and coats.  I had just stumbled upon an awesome knit hat (with earflaps!), but then Jacob found me and I wasn't sure how I could lose him again, so we left.  It was definitely the least amount of time I've ever spent in Herbergers, and I resent that.

I'm watching 20/20 on TLC right now, which brings back memories of being 10 years old.  I must have been the weirdest little kid...I can remember looking forward to 20/20 all week.  Fridays were like heaven for me, because first I got to watch TGIF, which was some combination of Full House, Step by Step, Family Matters, and other cheesy family sitcoms, and then I got to follow it up with 20/20.  Winning combination in my young mind.  I remember think John Stossel was one cool dude.  Also, I also remember thinking to myself "boy, Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs make a great team."  Jeez Louise, I was a nerd.  But I was an informed nerd!  I believe, and I could be wrong here (I could have been watching the SimpsonsAhhhh memories.....  Okay guys, 20/20 just ended and a show called Prison Diaries is on now.  This night is looking up!

Thursday, September 22, 2011


Rough night tonight, friends.  Spent the last two hours on the phone with Continental, so I'm pretty drained.  Maybe I'll have something worthwhile to say tomorrow?  If not, I'll go to Herbergers.  That's always good for a laugh.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What is Wrong with my Face?!

For some reason, when people see me, they either don't notice me because I'm too generic OR they immediately dislike me.  I'm not sure why-perhaps I need to work on my resting face.  Just once, it'd be nice for someone to see me and think "hey that lady looks sorta nice."  Being forgotten or unnoticed, that I'm used to.  Just ask Tom who introduced me to his friend Ali at least 30 times over the course of 3 years in college only to have her NEVER remember me.  Or take my yoga instructor, who, after my blackout spell a couple of weeks ago introduced herself to me.  Lady, I've been coming to your class for almost 2 months.  And there are only like 10 people in the class. Recently, however, my bland face has received a new reaction-distrust.  A couple weeks ago, I was walking the dogs when I came up to a house where two little boys (probably about 4 and 6) were playing in the driveway.  When they saw me, they both started to scream in genuine fear and panic, yelling "Daddy, Daddy, the scary lady! Help! Daddy, she's scary!!"  Thankfully, the dad seemed unfazed, thanks in part to my absence of jagged facial scars, and he ignored the kids' screams.  Although, thinking of that now, I am slightly concerned about their dad's apathy, considering there is a registered sex offender that lives one street over.  Anyways, I tried to tell myself not to be offended as the young boys continued to scream and cry.  I told myself they were probably just scared of Andy and Oscar.  They're big dogs, after all, and with Oscar's pitbull-esque head, it's easy to see how people could be intimidated.  As I'm comforting myself with this idea, the boys yelled, "hey Dad, look, that scary lady has dogs!"  That's when I kicked it into high gear to get away from them.  I don't understand, why am I so scary?? Sure, I wear running shorts everyday, and athletic capris more than I should, and I haven't worn my hair down in several months, but that doesn't make me scary, does it??? Butch, sure, scary...I don't think so.  I get a similar reaction (minus the screaming) from a lady in my yoga class.  Let's call her Rita.  I really can't figure out what I did to make her dislike me so much.  Maybe, like the scared little boys, she just doesn't like my face.  I've never taken her spot in class, and I never talk to anyone, so I couldn't have said something that offended her, but I regularly see her giving me (and only me) the stink eye.  Maybe it's because I'm so baller at yoga (it isn't) and Rita's just a hater (she is).  Today when I left class, I went downstairs to get my stuff out of my locker.  When I looked up, I saw Rita coming down the stairs from class, giving me the evil eye.  Because she was so focused on giving me a dirty look, she didn't realize that rather than going into the women's locker room, she had walked into the men's.  When she came out a second later, she seemed super embarrassed, especially since I was laughing pretty hard.  I'll admit, I deserved the evil eye there.  Pretty sure her hatred of my face just went up 100%.  Unfortunately for her, I very much enjoyed it.  I'm actually excited to see how this progresses.

Monday, September 19, 2011

TV Time

Well it's football season, and I forgot how much that effects my television viewing.  Jacob is not much of a tv watcher normally, so most nights I just turn on whatever I feel like watching while Jacob shakes his head in judgment (I'm not proud I watch Dance Moms either!).  Now that football has started again, I'm remembering why we had two tvs in our house.  Don't get me wrong.  I love college football, and I'm really fine with watching games all day Saturday.  Mostly because it's the only time Jacob is fine with laying around, watching tv, eating junk and not being "productive."  Also, I get really into the games that are on that week's pick 'em, because I want to know that I'm beating Tom at picking football games.  NFL on Sundays, however...ugh.  I'm just not into NFL football.  Unless I get to see Michael Vick get murdered on national television, it's just not interesting to me.  Tonight Jacob was watching a game, while he was using our computer (for TexAgs I'm sure) AND working on his laptop.  When I asked him if I could either change the channel or use the computer, it was like Sophie's Choice.  He ended up letting me use the computer, but asked me to check to see if a storm was coming.  Why he couldn't check that on the laptop he was using is beyond me, but the additional open tab was too much for our 7 year old computer and dial-up internet connection, so of course the computer froze.  So then I was back to watching the football game while Jacob worked on his laptop.  It just gets....boring here.   Now that Jacob's in bed, I can watch alllllllllllll the tv I want.  Unfortunately there's nothing good on, so I've been watching old SNLs for the last two hours.  And most likely, I'll put on Friends in a little bit. UGH.  UPDATE:  I did put on Friends, but it was the first season and too terrible to even keep on for background noise, so I turned it off.  Small victory.  But the great news is that all my shows start up this week!  Modern Family, Glee, Community, Parks & Rec, The Office, 30 Rock- I can't wait.  I hate that we don't have dvr here, though.  Modern Family comes on when we're at our Bible study, and I have a feeling I'll want to watch 30 Rock and Parks & Rec at least 6 times each. 

For some reason, my weird mood funk has continued.  I have no idea what's causing it, but I don't think it's the 10 hour period I got on Saturday that never came back.  Although maybe it is.  This is the time when my mom would point out how horribly imbalanced my hormones are, thanks to my erratic periods.  If myspace still existed, I'd set my mood to "weirdsies"  or "hurumph."  Maybe I need a little retail therapy.  My plan tomorrow is to go buy Bridesmaids on blu ray. I might just watch it like ten times.  On an unrelated note, I just got really bad heartburn.  How is that possible since the only thing I've eaten in the last three hours is saltines?

Finally, I'd like to give a big shout out to my brother-in-law, Michael.  He's totally famous, and the local news featured him in a story about the OSU game ticket pull.  If you're interested in reading the article or seeing the news clip, go here.  You totally should, because Michael's a legit baller.

Emmys, duh

I'm not gonna go into the show because I don't have much to say about it except I wish Parks & Rec had won something.  Instead, I'm going to give my opinion on what everyone else talking about.  The gowns!
Top Five Best Dressed:
5.  Nina Dobrev in Donna Karan
4.  Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang

3.  Evan Rachel Wood in Elie Saab

2.  Julie Bowen in Oscar de la Renta

1.  Claire Danes in Oscar de la Renta

Worst Dressed:
5.  Julianne Hough- let me give you a piece of advice that was given to me by a classmate when I told her I was going to prom my sophomore year "'s a formal'll have to wear makeup."  Julianne, Heather was right.  You really should have put makeup on.  Also, the coloring on this dress was bad. Bad bad bad.

4.  Dianna Agron- waaay too matronly.  And super wrinkly.

3. Drew Barrymore- I guess she didn't walk the red carpet, I can't find any pictures of her except onstage with the Charlie's Angels girls (snore).  I'm disappointed in you, Givenchy.

2. Gwyneth Paltrow- I actually think the dress could be pretty interesting, but it is SO unflattering.  She pays a lot of money and eats a lot of disgusting food to be that skinny and it's not showing here.
1. Olivia Munn- Sweetheart you better make up with your stylist QUICK.

What did you think? Favorites?  Disappointments?  Surprises? What did you think about the ceremony itself?  I was loving all the camera time for Joel McHale. Meow.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Margarita + Sangria = great Saturday night

I've decided that for her birthday this year, I'm going to enroll Dana in some sort of wine of the month club.  It's been a pretty boring day here, but it only took one little margarita and a glass of Sangria in Dana to turn all that around.  I really don't even need to give you much backstory here, except that both of us are at our respective homes, watching football with our husbands and little Dana has had two drinks.  This first email is in response to her saying she was bored, and me suggesting she learn how to knit so she could teach me.  Enjoy!

D:  ThANKS FOR THE FRIENDSHIP LOVE. No I still have it sitting on our tv stand. We tried to go watch the game, FULL, so we went to fuzzys and I had a marg and now I'm drinking sangria. And singing "california love". It's a wild night in plano. Also the balloon festival is ruining everything. 
H:  Holy smokes how drunk are you?  That was quite the stream of conciousness email.  You should send me more.  And, actually, you should go ahead and comment on my blog so I'll always have this to remember.
D:   Really iy all makes sense. There is a balloon festival, HOT AIR KIND, and it is backing up traffic everywhere, which made us late to the bar. So now we're watching ohio st and miami bc football is fun. Fun
and super entertaining. Thanks foe the colmment on the great uncle nick quote I left you BTW. There is a siren on the miami game, WTH, hurricane? Tornado? Not necessary. I'm not very drunk but ib feel pretty good. There was a mustang with lawn chairs in the back that made me laugh pretty hard.
H: PLEASE  PLEASE comment on my blog ASAP.  Now would be a great time to do that.  I was JUST ABOUT to comment on your uncle nick comment, but I hadn't gotten to it yet. Because Jacob's been hoggin the computer all day following his football office pickem.  Plus now he's following our game.  We are also watching the Miami game, and i was super confused about the siren too, but then jacob explained that it was a hurricane siren.  DUH.  I should have thought of that.  I thought it was for vikings.
D:  Here's what's terrible about that. What if someone there thinks there's a real hurricane????? Pandemonium is unnecessary. People screaming and running and buying water, all bc of a game horn. If I can comment on this POC phone of mine you got it, bucko.  
D:  I forgot I had buttery nipple ingredients! If only that was a full fledge drink. Apparently there's a breakfast shot that tastes like waffles. Need it. This marg is wearing off at a faster rate than my sangria is wearing in. Also, it iis like impossible to comment on this phone so I'm one and done. Sorerrryryryyryr
H:  I'm sure you could make buttery nipples as a drink.  You should look it up.  It seems like the marg is still workin pretty good, but if the sangria hasn't set in yet, you should just go do a few shots by yourself.
D:  I found a slippery nipple, which seems very problematic for a leather
dredss, rigt ?! 
D:  This alabama mean green game is busted.
H:  I have no idea what that means.  What's happening in the game?
D:  Dong fogey.
D:  Bvbm comin at ya!

It then continues on in text messages which are just as scrambled. But my absolute favorite part of the text messages, all of when are littered with typos, is one particular text where she seems to realize she misspelled everything:
D:  Are u on the AL game??????
D:  That fsau gauy soundslike a drinken cajuyn!$
D:  Crap
D:  Cxajun
D:  Drubken

So thank you, Dana, for have the lowest tolerance ever and making my night very enjoyable.

Welcome, Baby Jack!

It's official!  I have a new love in my life- John David Oltmanns was born today, and I can't wait to see more pictures.  I've only seen two, but I can already tell he's a sweet little moof.  Congrats to Hilary and David!  It's never too early to start teaching him about his favorite Aunt.

Tonight, Jacob and I stopped at the Redbox and got a free rental (proud, Tom?).  There wasn't much I wanted to see, and I wasn't going to make the mistake of getting The Roommate again.  Sorry, Minka Kelly, but I've heard enough of your Minnie Mouse voice to last an eternity.  I ended up getting Cedar Rapids with Ed Helms.  Shockingly, I got Jacob to watch it with me, which is unusual since he generally thinks movies and tv are not worth his time.  He and I are very different in that way, since I love and respect television enough to give it all my time.  Anyways, the movie was not too bad for a little indie project.  If you like Ed Helms and John C. Reilly, it's totally worth watching.  There were some laughable lines, and it's less than an 90 minutes.  Plus, you get to see John C. Reilly with his shirt off...but that's not really a selling point.

Today at the gym I noticed that one of the guys I see there frequently looks almost exactly like Jin from LOST.  I should mention, I was more than a little bit in love with Jin.
What can I say, he's a total hunk.  Here's the problem, though.  I have a tendency to name strangers that I see on a regular basis and develop intricate life stories for them.  I'm a tad worried that at some point, I might ask this guy at the gym how Sun is doing.  And, honestly, I really don't need another person in this town thinking I'm racist.  It's not because you're Asian, okay?  It's because you're a rugged, hunky Asian who looks identical to my Jin-Soo Shi!

Another character that caught my attention at the gym today is a young man I named Zak.  He looks just like Bill Hader
Zak, however, has a bigger head and tucks his under armour into his running shorts.  Also, he runs flat-footed in high-tops, which I find to be distracting.  If I can hear you smacking your feet on the ground over the Lil Wayne blaring in my earbuds, you might need a new running technique.  Also, I've never spoken to the guy or heard him talk, but I've decided Zak has the same condition as Will Ferrell's character from SNL, Jacob Silj who shouted all the time because he had a "voice related medical condition called voice immodulation."
Again, I'd like to make it very clear that I have never once heard Zak speak.  But I don't like the look of him or his flat feet, and I know if I ever do hear him speak, my instincts will be to cover my ears.

When I finished running today, I went to the stretching area to do some crunches.  There was a personal trainer working with his client, so I casually asked if i could use the exercise ball by them, then rolled it over to me and started doing crunches.  I always feel awkward when I'm around personal trainers because I feel like they're judging me and my form and my abilities.  I was focusing on my movements and breathing, positive I was impressing the trainer with my amazing ability to do a simple crunch on an exercise ball.  I suddenly got distracted by Zak coming around the corner of the track with his loud platypus feet, and in an attempt to give him the crook eye, I rolled right off the medicine ball.  In case you were wondering, YES, I have always been this graceful. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Pouty McGrumpster

It's gonna be a loooooooooong winter, friends.  It was pretty cold today, I think the high was like 50, and it was super windy.  When the dogs woke me up for their morning potty trip, it was pretty miserable, but only made worse when the wind blew Oscar's pee back onto my legs.  Great way to start the day.  Every time I took the dogs out today, I could feel the anger boiling inside me as gusts of wind would hit me in the face and the cold would sting my ears.  I think I yelled aloud between 5 and 8 times, mostly just screams of frustration, but one time yelling "I HATE YOU!"  I'm not sure who I was talking to, but it was cathartic until I realized there was a crackhead from the apartment complex next door watching me. I just shrugged and said "you don't know me!".  Jacob had a flag-football game tonight, and when I was making dinner he asked me if I was planning on coming. But as I'm thinking boy, you must be outside your brain, he said he didn't expect me to go because it was so cold.  At this rate, with my increasing irritability and attitude, I think I could easily be cast for an episode of Bridezillas.  This weather has just got me in such a FUNK.  And it's only September.  That's really bad, you guys.  I've just been walking around frowning all day and generally being annoying, but I can't help it.  It's like, there are days when I think I'm easy to be married to. Then there are days when I'm realistic....Thankfully Jacob is a patient and forgiving man. 

It shouldn't surprised any of you to hear that I went to Walmart today.  I did my grocery shopping, so hopefully I won't be back for several days.  While I was there, I think every oilfield worker was shopping with me.  At one point, I got behind this guy at the deli, who is probably the same age as me.  When I pulled my cart up behind him, he gave me a really smarmy smile and some cornball laugh.  You know, because being at the deli counter together is amusing.  The lady working at the deli asked him how he wanted the meat sliced, to which he responded "I don't know, surprise me" and then looked back at me and winked.  Heavens, how did he know my one weakness is a man who is easy-going about his lunch meat?  As he walked away, he tried to give me a cheesy "see you later" to which I replied "nope".  You know nothing about me, guy.  I know that you don't care how thick your chopped ham is, and you know that I'm good at rolling my eyes.

So tomorrow is going to be a great day because my sister is having her baby boy!!!!  If her other two boys are any indication of how awesome this little guy is going to be, I'm going to be the luckiest aunt ever.  I have to say, I've got pretty much the greatest nieces and nephews ever.  And if they wanted to color me pictures or write me letters, that would be fine, too.  *hint, hint, sisters 

Because of my terrible mood, I don't have much to say today, but I'll leave you clothes to drool over.  I was looking over more collections from Fashion Week when I came across the Jenny Packham collection.  I love her stuff, so there's not much more to say about how great I thought it was, but this was the standout to me.  I LOVE it.
Another collection I was super excited to see was Oscar de la Renta.  To see the collection, go here, it's definitely worth the look. A couple dresses stood out to me, though, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them in editorials over the next several months. I'm just gonna say it, January Jones, you need to wear this dress:

I also went through Monique Lhuillier's collection.  Normally her stuff is really pretty, nothing groundbreaking or revolutionary, but really pretty.  I don't know what to say about this collection except that it felt....familiar.  If this collection had been on Project Runway, I think Nina would have dinged it for being a bit too referential.  For example, one dress really stood out to me as being very similar to Michael Kors.  I don't know, you tell me.
Here's the Monique Lhuillier Spring 2012 Dress
Here are two Michael Kors dresses.  The red one is from his 2011 Pre-Fall Collection, the orange one is from 2004.
I get that her neckline's different and the belt is more of a thick band, but they seem pretty similar, no?  Plus, she followed up the white dress with a red dress with similar banding that was the same red as the Kors 2011 dress.  Ehhh what do I know.  Thoughts?  Opinions?  Wishing you had someplace fancy to be?  Me too, pal, me too.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Bits & Pieces

Another day, another trip to Walmart.  I'm becoming great friends with the greeter that works on the non-food entrance, Peter.  By great friends, I mean he turns and coughs his SARS away from my face when I come in now.  I had to return a tank top I bought yesterday that was too small.  It's probably for the best, since it was a Miley Cyrus top.  Her face wasn't on the shirt, but her name was on the label, and it's a slippery slope, really.  So I got back my $1.07 AND my dignity.  I ended up getting Jacob another present for his birthday while I was there.  Check it out, a Lego Star Wars alarm clock.  Baller! 
I felt like I had a poor showing for his birthday presents, and who doesn't need a giant Darth Vader mini-fig?  I think Jacob's going to take it to his office, so between that and the Boba Fett candy jar I got him a couple of years ago, his coworkers probably think he's a big-time nerd.  Well guess what, clowns?  That's why he's awesome.

We've been having some problems with our Samsung Galaxy Tab (his name is Nermil), so I've had a few conversations with their customer service.  I had a long discussion with a lady last night whose "name" (more like stage name) was Ruth.  She ended up telling me that we had to send Nermil in to be serviced, and I had to box him up and take him to a UPS store.  Jacob printed out the shipping label and I was pleasantly surprised to see we had a UPS store in town.  And right across from Bonanza Steakhouse (the #1 restaurant in Dickinson according to trip advisor), Burger King and Dairy Queen!  You know, I've never noticed the royal theme among such terrible restaurants.  Is there a Prince Burger out there?  What about the Duke of Dairy?  The Viscount's Discount Hot Dogs?  If one of these pops up, I swear, I will sue.  ANYWAYS, back to the UPS store.  I'm a total rookie when it comes to mailing stuff, so I was asking the guy working there lots of dumb questions.  He was super nice, and I got the package mailed off without any problems, but when I got back to my car, I realized I had some crusty, dry milk above my lips.  Not only did I have a milk mustache, but I had crumbs from my sandwich in the corner of my mouth.  That combined with the workout I had before lunch had me looking and smelling like a first grader. 

I've been watching a lot of Breaking Bad lately.  It's not for everyone, but I think it's pretty good so far.  For those of you who don't know, it's about a high school chemistry teacher who learns he has terminal cancer and begins cooking meth as a way to provide for his family once he's gone.  It's not exactly good for chuckles, but it's interesting.  On the show, the main character buys a really old RV to drive out into the desert to cook his meth.  It's made me realize that at any given time, Walmart has at least 9 mobile meth labs in its parking lot.  I've also started paying more attention to the white trash that live in the apartment complex next door.  This apartment complex is really nasty.  I think to live there, you have to promise them you will smoke inside the apartment and always leave your windows open in the rain so everything inside gets soiled and mildewed.  Let me say this, Oscar regularly pees on the basement windows and I don't even feel bad about it because I feel like he's probably washing stuff off that's a lot worse.  So today when I took the dogs out to go to the bathroom, there were a couple jokers from this complex out by their garage.  They clearly didn't notice me watching them because before they opened the door, they did the ultra obvious look from side to side like you'd see in a movie to make sure no one's watching. Which I was.  They opened the door a little less than halfway, crawled underneath and stayed in their for a little while.  So either they are gay and embarrassed and chose a dirty garage for their affair, or something illegal is probably happening in there.  Later, when I took Oscar out again they were taking turns doing target practice with a cross bow.  Who owns a crossbow?!  Are those even legal?  I'm not too worried, though, because I think they're probably the dumbest criminals of all time.  They were trying to shoot a coke can, but they didn't stand it upright, and it was really windy and the can was blowing all over the place, so they couldn't get anywhere close to it.  Also, they seemed to be very discouraged with how frequently they needed to retrieve their poorly shot bows.   

Tonight for dinner, I tried this recipe for broccoli; it's supposed to be the best broccoli ever.  It was pretty good, but I wouldn't say it was the BEST, and I certainly wouldn't say it's better than a steak, which they claim.  Here's what they don't tell you about this broccoli--if you live in a small space with terrible ventilation, it will leave your home smelling like a dirty mop for the next four hours.   

I should mention, I just tried to finish off the orange juice I poured for myself when I started typing this.  The lights are off in the apartment because Jacob's in bed, so I didn't see that the glass was still completely full when I threw it back with full force and now I have a sticky face, shirt, shorts, and legs.  Ew.  And hair.  I have no idea how I did that.  Too bad the UPS store isn't open now.  I could really make a name for myself in there.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Montezuma's Revenge

Happy Birthday to my beloved!  The old man is 27 today, and hopefully it was an okay birthday.  I made him a frozen peanut butter pie with the crust made out of Nutter Butters (don't tell Jacob, he hates them).  Also, we went to the good Mexican restaurant in town, El Sombrero, more affectionately referred to as "the hat".  Actually, it's pretty good for being in North Dakota, and ALL of the wait staff are Hispanic, which I find very refreshing.  It's so nice to see someone up here that is an actual minority, you know, not just a really tan, scuzzy vagrant.  The downside is that both Jacob and I had Mexican food, which is not great since this apartment only has one bathroom.....

A cold front came through town last night, which I'm sure you know, almost brought me to tears.  When I took the dogs for a walk tonight, I saw multiple people had covered their plants with sheets.  It's like I could just feel my heart breaking and my soul crushing in on itself.  Jacob said Thursday it was going to be in the low 30's, which means the townsfolk are about to see my ugly side.  IT'S GONNA GET REAL, DICKINSON.

I went to Walmart again today.  Oy, if I could just get through a day without saying that....I tried to count the number of RVs in the parking lot and the number of semis pickle-parking (trademark Adam Kelly), but I got distracted when I realized that the parking lot was half full with brand-new dealership cars.  I have not figured out this trend yet.  For whatever reason, car dealerships here (we've seen this happen twice since we've been here), decide to bring all their inventory to another location, say a Walmart parking lot, and sell from there.  Despite having a perfectly fine dealership in town.  They treat it like it's some special event, and you should be excited that you get to shop for cars in a different location, rather than just a boring-old dealership.  For the life of me, I cannot figure out why they do this.  Is it really worth the trouble to these dealers to transport hundreds of cars across town to sell them out of a parking lot?  Do they not understand there are DOZENS of homeless people living in that Walmart parking lot as we speak?  All you're doing is bringing your inventory closer to the gypsies, and I'm fairly certain they aren't interested in your new car.  They've got a perfectly good 17 year old Winnebago, thank you very much.  FYI, Car Dealers, these gypsies will think NOTHING of making themselves at home in your makeshift Walmart car dealership.  These are the same gypsies that threw a birthday party a couple weeks ago and set up their own moonwalks outside their RV in the Walmart parking lot and used shopping carts as a barrier so people didn't think it was for public use.  How a gypsy can afford to rent 2 moonwalks, but can't rent a party space, I don't know.     

Here's where I say goodbye to my male readers (if they exist).  No, I'm not going to be discussing periods or anything, I wouldn't give a warning for that.  I'm on my period right now.  No...I'm not.  That 26 day period really messed up my cycle.  No, I want to talk about NY Fashion Week.  I've been following some of the collections as they come up, and some have been pretty good, but not necessarily worth mentioning.  Until now.  Commence Slow Clap for Christian Siriano, former Project Runway winner.   Perfect example of why I can no longer watch Project Runway- his collection was immaculate and extremely impressive. Since moving to lifetime, the quality of both designers and challenges on the show have declined exponentially. But back to Christian... Every piece was red-carpet ready or editorial.  It was well-tailored, modern, beautiful, and ready to be worn right off the runway.  If you're interested, click here to see his collection.  Personally, I LOVE what he started the show with, and the two he ended with.  And everything in between as well.  I'm not going to go into what celebrity should wear which piece to what even, but let's just say there is definitely a lot of potential here.  And I need every piece in my closet ASAP.  

Monday, September 12, 2011

Tragedy Strikes West River Community Center

I'd like to apologize now for the gross exaggeration of the title of this post.  It's not so much a "tragedy" per se, as it is a gross display of injustice.  Again, that's a bit of hyperbole.  Let me explain:  West River Community Center is the gym here in town.  It's the one thing I really love about Dickinson.  As much as I hate to admit it, I've already fallen into a pretty solid routine in my workouts, and if something throws me off my routine, or GOD FORBID I miss one of my classes....Let's just say it's not pretty and I'm like a junkie who needs a fix.  Two of the classes I take are Pilates and Beginner Pilates.  I really like the class because it's a great workout, but I have some issues with the instructor.  Correction:  I despise the instructor.  She's creeping up my list to be Enemy #2.  One day, I was debating whether or not to go to Pilates (because of my extreme dislike of the instructor), I reluctantly went and was very pleasantly surprised when we had a sub. She.Was.Awesome.  I found out she teaches the Power Pilates class which I have become completely obsessed with.  If my gateway drug was Beginner Pilates, Power Pilates has become my crystal meth.  It's serious.  In fact, I have become so enamored with this Power Pilates class that I decided I would stop going to the classes taught by my enemy.  Imagine my disgust when I walked into Power Pilates today and saw that my enemy was teaching.  I think I tasted bile.  She started class by saying that Shannon, our normal instructor, had gotten a new job and they were going to change up the classes, but for now, my nemesis is going to teach it. The instructor, I like to call her Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, because that's what she looks like:
She's a large, busty gal who shows up to class wearing clogs.  I've never seen her show up with a parrot on her shoulder, but it wouldn't surprise me.  She'd probably train it to squawk at the class about how they're doing everything wrong.  So here's why she irks me so; she's awful at her job.  You should not be able to teach a class called "Beginner Pilates" and make no effort to accommodate the people in the class who are actually beginners.  She does a terrible job of explaining what the moves are and the proper technique.  Instead she just yells out the completely nondescript name of the move and then looks at you and screams "WHY ISN'T YOUR HEAD UP?  WHY AREN'T YOU PULSING YOUR ARMS?"  Because, you jagweed, you never told me to.  Also, on each move, she has us make this obnoxious noise every time we exhale that that sounds like you're saying "Shhhhhhhhhhhh" and you have a terrible lisp.  She's able to do this extremely loudly, but she never explains why she does it, so halfway during class, she'll just scream "WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE BREATHING?! IS EVERYONE ELSE DEAD?!?!"  No lady, we all just thought you had a terrible speech impediment.  She also enjoys making the class do an exercise far beyond what anyone is capable of except for her.  For example, we normally do a series of different leg lifts.  Today we did 5 minutes of leg lifts without resting--up and down, front to back, circles, the whole thing.  Everyone's legs were burning and we all gave up at like the four minute mark.  Meanwhile, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle is just pluggin away, watching us, perfectly aware that everyone is too sore to keep going and she's like "you feel it burning yet?".  Nope.  We just all decided we'd rather watch you.  IT'S A BEGINNER'S CLASS, LADY.  ACT ACCORDINGLY.  And today, she couldn't figure out the stereo and we'd be in the middle of a move and she'd just hop up and mess with the stereo for like 3 minutes, then turn around and be like "why did you guys stop!?"  I can't even tell you how many times I gave her the stink eye today.  She just does a terrible job of communicating exactly what we should be doing and for how much longer we will do it.  So now I'm just super bummed that this lady is going to take over the one pilates class I loved.  She's got a monopoly on pilates! 

The good news is that Jacob's home!! The boys were super excited, which means that they're completely passed out now.  And tomorrow (Tuesday) is Jacob's birthday!  Not sure what we're gonna do yet, but hopefully we'll do something fun (that doesn't involve Applebee's).  Maybe I'll casually suggest Pizza Ranch.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


This is super cliche, but I can't believe it has been 10 years.  I'm not going to go into what 9/11 means to me or how it's changed the country.  Everyone remembers where they were when they heard the news, but I'd also like to give a fun fact about that day.

I was a 16 year old sophomore at New Covenant in Springfield in Mrs. Gerla's computer class when our principal, Mr. Mitchell (aka Big Poppa) came over the intercom saying that a plane had flown into one of the Twin Towers.  I don't remember what else he said, I was too busy picturing a Cessna bumping into a building.  He had everyone gather in the parking lot to go over the news in more detail and say a prayer.  I was struck by my friend Andrew, whose dad was a pilot.  Bless his heart, he was terrified and emotional and crying like crazy.  At that point, I realized it was more than just a Cessna accidentally running into a building.  After the prayer, we were all brought inside, and were allowed to go into the library (the only room with a tv), to see coverage.  That's when the second plane hit.  All of the other grades stayed in the library all day to see what was going on.  For some reason, the sophomores were forced to go back to all their classes, so I couldn't follow everything live.  Here's where the fun fact comes in.  That morning, before all the craziness started, my mom told me she was going to come get me around lunch time to take me to the DMV so I could get my driver's permit.  When she got there, I was called down to the office, and my mom said "Why are the flags lowered?" So sweet Mom had no clue what was happening and proceeded to take me to get my permit (nailed it), while I tried to explain to her what was happening.  One positive thing about that day (besides my permit picture, which turned out awesome)  was the discussion my mom and I had throughout the day; I would tell her how awful everything was and she would said (direct quote) "Oh Hayley, you're making a big deal out of this.  It's probably nothing."  Despite the emotional memories and tragedy of the day, my mom had given me something to really laugh about because she was too stubborn to admit that it was going to impact EVERYONE in the country.

In other interesting facts, 10 years ago I first started driving and I have yet to be pulled over (knock on wood).  Also, I still think it's weird that the DMV was open for the remainder of the day and I was even able to get my permit.  Most of the employees working that day seemed as clueless as my mom had been.

So tonight I'm saying a prayer of thanks that God protected all of my friends and family on that day and that He worked through so many amazing heroes to save lives.  I can't imagine the pain and heartache people are feeling today, and I hope they are able to cope and have the peace of God to comfort them.       

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Blast from the Past

While Jacob is livin it up in Vegas this weekend, I too have been quite the busy lady.  Actually.  Strike that, I've just been watching a lot of tv and talking on the phone a ton.  But it's been very delightful.  I was quite the lady about town today; I went back to the thrift store--I just couldn't get my mind off that HAWK BLOCK ur jimmies shirt, but thankfully it's all mine now.  Then, I went to Herbergers to return the sunglasses that Jacob turned his nose up at.  I returned my rental to the Redbox (The Roommate-I don't recommend it), and went to Walmart to get the boys more treats.  Have I been to Walmart in every post I've put on this blog?  Jeez Louise, I think so.  Yikes, that just got real.  I also treated myself to some Burger King and spent no more than 6, but no less than 3 hours on the phone with Dana.  All in all, I'd say it's been a pretty amazing day. 

So I wasn't even going to post anything today because clearly there is not much to say, but then I came across some pictures and it totally gave me flashbacks.  Occasionally, I come across pictures of toys I played with when I was little, or I just randomly remember something that I haven't seen in like 20 years and I DESPERATELY want those toys again.  Anyways, tonight I came across pictures of Fashion Plates, something that one of my sisters had, but I would play with occasionally.  These things were AWESOME.
Obviously this is where I learned my amazing sense of style and gained an ability to put t-shirts with running shorts.  Now that I think about it, between playing Barbies (seriously, I played A LOT of Barbies, y'all) and playing with these fashion plates, you'd think I'd have some ability to put an outfit together, but...clearly it didn't work out that way for me.

So these fashion plates never belonged to me, they were Mandy's maybe?  I don't know, anyways, but they were never mine.  There were plenty of toys that DID belong to me and my mom threw away without my consent that I seriously resent.  Let's go over some of those, shall we?

Barbie Sticker Albums:  I remember when I was little, there were lots of different types of sticker albums you could get.  Naturally, I got Barbie.  I think Hunter had like Ninja Turtles or something...I don't know.  Anyways, you bought the album which had pages with outlines of the stickers you were supposed to put over them, and you bought packages of stickers for like 25 cents.
For some reason, I decided to put all the stickers on my hand-me-down (but still awesomely vintage) Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox.  If I could go back in time and talk to little Hayley, I'd say "you are soooo adorable, but you're also stupid because those stickers will not peel off that metal lunchbox, you will never get those them back, and you will regret it." 

Barbie Colorforms:  This wasn't a toy I got to play with regularly--probably a smart move on my mom's part since those stickers did not stick that well.  This went in the travel bag that we took to Springfield every summer.  Now that I really look at it, these were kind of worthless toys because you're so limited in what you can do with them.  I mean, yeah, Barbie looks super glam in her tie-dye ballgown, but how many story lines can you come up with when you're limited to her dressing room?  I guess it should have been an exercise in creativity.  I think I just peeled the stickers on and off and admired that dress.  REGARDLESS, my mom should have asked me before she tossed this.
Okay, there are plenty of other toys that my parents got rid of that I am NOT HAPPY about.  My Polly Pocket collection, my Barbie RV, my Barbie Corvette, my Sweet Valley High board game....too many to name.  Basically, I want all my toys back, and if you ever needed a gift idea for me, look no further.  Finally, I wanted to include a picture of little Hayley, only because I was really really adorable.
THAT HAIR!!!  I have no idea when I grew out of that amazing blond hair, but it's thinned out since then and dulled to a mud-puddle brown color.  Also, I'm very uncomfortable with the fact that I'm holding that marker without the cap on.  Not only because I probably marked all over myself, but because the marker probably dried out.  WHY DID LITTLE HAYLEY NOT THINK THINGS THROUGH????

Friday, September 9, 2011

Old News

Today was a pretty uneventful day- gym, taking Oscar to the vet, going to Arbys, hours on the phone with Dana....not much to report on.  SO I thought I'd fill you in on a fun tale that happened last month.  Some of you already know the story (sorry Dana), but for the rest of you (Angie), I thought you might appreciate the most awkward exchange I have ever had at Walmart.  And that includes watching the gypsy give himself a sponge bath in the parking lot.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm a pretty open person.  Besides financial stuff, I will pretty much talk to anyone about anything.  I'm more than comfortable to discuss periods, bathroom situations, and anything else that might be embarrassing and/or disgusting.  Male or female, doesn't matter.  I say, bring it on.  So here's a little back story: there is a college-aged Middle Eastern guy named Om that works at the Walmart here in town.  He's quite the chatty Kathy whenever I've gone in his checkout line, but he has a very thick accent, and unfortunately I have always had a hard time understanding him.  The first time I went though his line, it totally caught me off guard when he asked me a question and I had no clue what he was talking about.  I think he had to repeat himself like seven times while I kept saying "What?....Excuse me?....I'm Sorry?!?...Pardon?!??!?!..." before Jacob whispered  "He wants to know what kind of tomatoes those are" and I somehow managed to shout out "ROMA! They're Roma tomatoes!!!" all while my voice was cracking and the blood started slowly leaving my cheeks.  Needless to say, I am very awkward when I go through his line and I always have to tell myself "you are not racist just because you have a hard time with his accent." meanwhile he's probably thinking "here comes this crazy racist".  Another time, I made the mistake of going through his line while wearing an A&M shirt and he asked me if I was from Texas.  Me, being the deaf racist I am, thought he asked me about taxes.  I was very confused and started stuttering for what felt like 6 minutes before I was like "uhhhh I don't know about taxes".  To which he kindly pointed to my shirt and asked me again if I was from Texas.  Bless him.  Sooo....Om and I have a very awkward past.

Which leads us up to the events that occurred last month.  I was just picking up some things to make a pie for Jacob, and decided also to grab a pregnancy test (spoiler: it was negative).  When I got into the only open express line, I realized it was Om's line and told myself to be on my very best behavior and to watch his lips very carefully so we could finally have a normal conversation.  He was silent as he rung up all the pie ingredients, then, as he scanned the pregnancy test, he said "Are you planning on expecting?"  Now here's the thing.  YES I am buying a pregnancy test, but that doesn't mean I'd like to discuss the matters of my ovulating and menstruating with a complete stranger.  The personal question combined with his crazy eyes, which I felt were burning through my body to see the contents of my womb made me extremely uncomfortable.  So obviously I began stammering.  I was like "ohhh....not really planning, just kind of wondering...."  To which he responds, "Oh. If you are expecting, do you plan on eradicating it?".  HANG ON.  This is when my Quinn-genes came out, as I'm pretty sure my eyes were popping out of my head, my jaw had basically become unhinged, and incredulity was all over my face.  I was like "NO NO NO, nothing like that, I'm just...trying to figure out what's going on".  I just kept thinking, am I an idiot, or did he just ask me if I'm getting an abortion?! He seemed satisfied by my super awkward answer, which is good because I had no idea where it was going to go from there, and I have a feeling that if he had asked, I probably would have told him about the fact that I'd had my period for almost 20 days.  Keep in mind, there ARE people behind me in the checkout line, which was making this whole exchange that much more unpleasant.  As I'm swiping my credit card, he changes the subject to our housing situation.  I said we were building a house to which he said "Oh, well let me ask you, how much will it cost, like with the lot and everything, how much all together will you pay for your house?" ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME, OM??!?! I tried to get around answering by just saying things like "ohhh well you know, land is expensive here, and it depends on if you have them finish the basement."  He wasn't buying that, though, and he was clearly holding my receipt ransom until I gave him a number, so finally I threw a number out there, grabbed my receipt and ran off.  Thankfully a couple weeks after that, our Walmart got U-Scans (what, what!!!!) and I have been able to avoid him since.  My greatest fear is that the next time I see him, he'll say, "oh how wonderful, you're already showing!", and then I'll have to go to jail because Om will be dead.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Death by Yoga

Today in yoga, I had a little scare.  I should say that on Thursdays, I always run then go into the class right afterwards and look at it as a 45 minute cool down.  So today, I finished my run and went into class.  I was perfectly fine until the last, like, 3 minutes of class.  Our instructor has us do this stretch where we place our left hand on our chest, then reach forward with the right and bring it all the way back behind us so that you're looking over your right shoulder.  Then you reverse it and we do that 2 or 3 times on each side.  On the first stretch, as I'm looking over my shoulder, I'm overcome with VIOLENT nausea.  Honestly, I thought the lady behind me was 20 seconds away from having puke in her hair.  Then I suddenly got so dizzy I was having a hard time keeping my balance while just standing straight.  I don't want to toot my own horn here (even though I deserve it), but I've got pretty good balance.  I've got better balance than everyone in that class put together, regardless of the fact that I'm younger than their grandchildren (NO it's not the Silver Sneakers class-I take that on Wednesday).  Anyways, my balance was way off and I was pretty sure I was going to fall face forward into the mirror and simultaneously break my nose on the ballet bar.  As the rest of the class continued on into the final stretch, I completely and totally lost my sight.  Everything got sort of pixilated, then went black.  I knew it would ruin the zen moment in class to yell "HELP ME, YOU IDIOTS, I'VE GONE BLIND!!" so instead, I just started bending over, violently shaking my head to get my sight back.  I must have looked like I was at a Pearl Jam concert in 1994.  I could hear people putting their mats away, so class was over, and I just crumpled onto my mat and thankfully my vision came back within a few seconds.  My instructor came over to check on me and told me I was way dehydrated from running before yoga.  I think the people leaving class thought I was some kinda wuss for nearly passing out during yoga.  "Boy that upward dog really gets me every time." Snicker, snicker, snicker.  I thought about yelling "Say it to my face, granny!" because obviously I could later blame it on the lack of blood flow to my brain.  All in all, I'm fine now.  I've had a pretty wicked headache all day, and I almost tossed my cookies onto a mail lady, but that's not unusual.

Jacob leaves for Vegas tomorrow for his boy weekend.  You know what that means for me....GIRLS WEEKEND!!!!!  hah. Just kidding, I don't have friends here (upside: I only have one enemy!)  The haggard lady at Walmart's deli counter was looking out for me when she over-sliced my meat and cheese, so I'll be consumed by the plethora of sandwiches I'll be making.  Cold-cuts are suitable substitutes for friendship, right?  Otherwise, I'm not sure what I'm going to do while Jacob is gone.  Ideas? Suggestions?  I'm thinking the boys and I might treat ourselves to some Saturday morning donuts from The Donut Hole.  Which, coincidentally doesn't sell donut holes- Bait & switch? False Advertising??

Jacob volunteered to make dinner tonight so I could go to my pilates class (which was much less eventful than yoga this morning), and that made me very nervous.  I realized I've got a lot of Monica Geller in me.  Side note: I have been watching entirely too much FRIENDS lately.  The tv situation here is.....not good.  Anyways, we were going to have a baked spaghetti dish, but I could not give up control, so I was boiling the pasta and browning the meat when he got home from work.  All he really had to do was layer the pasta, meat and cheeses, and stick it in the oven but the thought of that was giving me sweaty palms while driving to the gym.  I even called him when I got there to see if everything was going fine.  Even thinking about it now is kind of giving me hives.  It's not that Jacob can't cook, it's that the role reversal of him cooking while I just sit around totally freaks me out.  It feels like that episode of 30 Rock where Kenneth the page asks one of the actors what he should go get him for lunch only to have the actor say he'll get his own lunch, and could he get something for Kenneth while he's out.  With panic and horror in his eyes, Kenneth says:

Even though I hate cooking, it makes me very anxious when I don't do it.  Unless we're going out to eat.  And in that case:  PIZZA RANCH!  PIZZA RANCH! PIZZA RANCH!!