Monday, October 3, 2011

Airport Freakshow

As you already know, last Friday I flew to Oklahoma City to see my sister & her family.  To get there, I drove to Bismarck, then flew to Minneapolis, then to OKC.  My first flight, the one to MSP, was a short flight, so I figured I'd just sleep through most of if.  Unfortunately the plane was the size of a matchbox car, so we were super cramped, and the guy sitting next to me decided to keep his parka on for the flight.  Maybe he's just on an extreme weight loss program, I don't know, but that parka was totally unnecessary.  I was sweating in my tshirt!  Anyways, despite his parka rubbing all over me for the whole flight, it was going pretty smoothly.  The flight attendant even let me trade my two bags of peanuts in for pretzels! (it's the small things)  As I'm trying to relax with my pretzels, Sprite, and book (Angels & Demons), the cell phone of Nanook of the North sitting next to me starts to ring.  DUDE!  You're supposed to turn your phone off.  Rather than silence the call and turn it off, he ANSWERS HIS FREAKING PHONE.  The balls on this guy!  Seriously, I know I'm naive to think everyone turns their phone off on the plane, but who legitimately talks on their phone, without caring if people hear?  And where's the dang flight attendant when you need her!?!?!  In an attempt to lower my already elevated blood pressure, I made a promise to myself that if the plane started to go down because of this idiot, I would let myself punch his face at least twice.   He got off the phone a couple minutes later.  No big deal, no need to hurry, guy.  You're only interfering with the communication and navigation of an AIRPLANE.  When he finally decided to end the call, this joker has the audacity to lean over to me and say "can you believe my phone would ring on an airplane!?"  It took about nine seconds for my face to go back to normal from this:

Uh, yeah.  I can.  You didn't turn it off, genius.  A few minutes later, the pilot announced we were beginning our descent, and we had about twenty minutes left before landing.  That's when the S got real, you guys.  So Nanook turned to me and asked me if my book was good.  I told him it was, and he asked me what it was about.  I mean, I guess I could have summarized it, but as you've already realized from reading this blog, I tend to be a bit long-winded, and I didn't know how to summarize such a fast-paced book.  Taking advantage of my hesitation, Nanook said "are you a Christian?"  Now.  Let me be clear.  I think it's wonderful that he wanted to witness to me, and I think it takes a lot of courage to witness to a stranger, especially on a plane where you can't walk away if it gets awkward.  However, I really didn't want to hear a lecture from him about how as a Christian, I should be reading anything by Dan Brown because that was blasphemous.  I told him that I am, in fact, a Christian.  He then proceeded to have the most uncomfortable interaction with me, quizzing me on my faith.  The conversation went something like this:
N:  "Is Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior?"
H:  "Yes..."
N:  "Did his blood take away all of your sins?"
H:  "Yes...."
N:  "What did his death save you from?"
H:  "Uh...hell?"
N:  "Specifically, what did his death save you from?"
Now that confused me, because I feel like hell is pretty specific.  But I said "Umm... pain and suffering?"
N:  "Would you be dead if he hadn't died for you?"
H:  "Right now?"
He then proceeded to tell me how he'd for sure be dead if it weren't for Jesus.  I didn't know if that was a metaphor for his soul, or he used to be in a bunch of bad stuff, but either way, I didn't really want him to elaborate.  Somehow from there, the conversation took a very bizarre turn.  This is going to be very much a stream of consciousness because it was the most random, disconnected conversation ever.  I could not follow it, but I was also having an inner monologue with myself about how crazy this guy was.  So Nanook starts telling me how his wife was reading his book about how Lucifer and Gabriel used to be best friends when they were angels.  They'd play together, and run around, and play music.  He then proceeded to tell me how from that book (which was fiction, dude), he could tell how the devil works through music.  He then spiraled into this crazy conspiracy theory about this secret society that Jay-Z is in.  He knows this because of the sign Jay-Z throws up.
I mean, come on, we're all thinking it.  Satanic cult.  Duh.  So he goes on and on about this secret society that all these musicians are in and how they have to have $100 million to be in it, and they're called the Illuminati.  I figured he was telling me this because I was reading Angels & Demons, which is about the Illuminati, so I just casually said "oh yeah, that's the group in this book" and I nearly had to pick his eyeballs up off my tray table because they nearly burst out of his head.  He said "WHAT?  Wow.  See, God wanted me to tell you about this secret society."  He then took that as confirmation that I needed to know the history of Jay-Z's affiliation with the group and how they work.  From what I could gather, basically all these (black) celebrities are members of the Illuminati, and when they join, they have to commit to have a blood sacrifice made in exchange for success and fame.  He was like "What's Jay-Z ever done?  He used to do music, but it was crap, and he does nothing now.  How does he make his money??...." dramatic pause "the Illuminati give him money."  Oh brother.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that actually Jay-Z is still really popular and his concerts do really well and he's able to make a lot of money from those, not to mention his other investments like the 40/40 Club, Roca Wear, and the New Jersey Nets, which he's a part owner of.  Then he started telling me about Damon Dash, Jay-Z's old business partner and close friend, and how he was desperate to be an Illuminati as well, so he committed to making a blood sacrifice.  Guess who that was?  Aaliyah.  I know what you're thinking, she died in a plane crash.  Well, obviously the Illuminati planned that so that Damon Dash could become famous.  Some other blood sacrifices of note:  Suge Knight had Tupac sacrificed, Kanye West had his mom sacrificed and then skyrocketed to the top of the charts and became "the biggest player in the game" according to Nanook.  He also kept saying "look at Jennifer Hudson.  What has she done?? She's been in that one movie, and she's all over the magazines."  Well, sir, I don't know how to tell you this, but Hollywood is a pretty twisted place, and in that industry, it's much more noteworthy if you lose 80 pounds than it would be if you won an award, donated to charity, or adopted a child.  So, yeah, that's why she's getting so much publicity.  Not to mention she's a pretty incredible singer with a huge fan base because of her beginning on American Idol.  But Nanook believed she's been getting a lot of press because of the death of her mother and nephew a few years back.  They were apparently her blood sacrifices.  Another interesting tidbit he told me was that Prince used to be an Illuminati, though he isn't anymore (even though he said you had to die to get out) and he has a lyric in one of his songs about how Bin Laden's about to bomb.  This was like ten years before 2011.  He said this with a lot of drama, and I didn't want to ask him for more information, but I still don't understand what he was alleging.  Does that mean Bin Laden's also an Illuminati?  Or do the Illuminati just know when terrorist attacks are going to happen?  Or was Prince telling his Illuminati brother, Osama Bin Laden to commit those attacks?  Obviously I was getting very distracted.  Another person he pointed the finger at was Beyonce.  No, she's not an Illuminati, but she knows Jay-Z is, and she will probably commit a blood sacrifice too, before too long (why, I don't know because she's super rich and famous).  He started talking about Beyonce's stage presence, Sasha Fierce, which represents sexuality, and makes her a Jezebel (this is probably when my Mom would start agreeing).  Then he started talking about the Crazy in Love music video she made with Jay-Z, and how when the car explodes and she comes out of the flames, that's her emerging as a Jezebel.  Then she starts grinding all over Jay-Z and the ground, which is supposed to represent how she's submitting to the devil (Jay-Z).  I'm fairly certain she just wanted to get  down and get nasty.  I'm not sure she's deep enough to try to evoke that kind of imagery in a music video.   He very much encouraged me to youtube a couple videos called blood sacrifices 1 and 2.  I tried to watch the first one, but it was just too laughable and I couldn't concentrate because the commentator kept saying "don't get it twisted."  I'm gonna start using that.  He also recommended the movie, The Rite, with Anthony Hopkins.  He was very scared by the movie because, in his words, it was real.  I didn't want to bring him down by saying that they take a lot of liberties when the movie says it's based on a true story.  Clearly this guy needs to believe in a good conspiracy theory.  I know all that is pretty confusing, but imagine being told all this by a total stranger while the people across the aisle glance over at you.  I wanted to yell that I wasn't the crazy person talking about a secret society, but you just never know who the Air Marshal will side with, you know?  So he finishes up his theories and says "so tell me, now that you've heard the truth about all those celebrities, how does that compare with your book you're reading."  Well guy, for starters, they're both complete fiction.  It was so awkward!  He was quizzing me on my fictional book and how it related to this theory he obviously totally believes.  I didn't say much except that it was about the Illuminati and how they infiltrated the Vatican.  He looked very intrigued.  I kept saying that it was fictional, but he seemed to be ignoring that.  Do not get it twisted brother, this is not real.  I told him they made it into a movie and he was like "Oh, I gotta get that!"  If the flight was longer, I may have just messed with him by saying things like "you know we never really landed on the moon" or "a plane never flew into the pentagon on 9/11."  I think he would have totally been into it.  The thing is, it's pretty hard for me to not laugh in someone's face when they're a total dummy.

Thankfully we landed and I was able to run away from Nanook and call Dana to tell her how crazy this guy was.  It was nice to be able to get it all out and laugh about it, but I was also concerned about the people walking by me that couldn't hear me making fun of his theories.  As if all that wasn't enough, I encountered another weirdo at my gate for my OKC flight.  I stayed on the phone with Dana for most of my 2 hour layover (thanks Dana!), and I realized that my ticket said we were boarding pretty early for the flight time, so I walked over to the gate to see if boarding had begun.  People were already gathered around the gate, but it looked like everyone's attention was on something other than the Delta attendant making the announcements.  I walked down to see what the scuttlebutt was, and saw that people were trying to be sly about looking at some guy (rhyming bonus).  I looked and saw that he had some gaping wound on his hand, like he'd been shot with a nail gun, and he was bleeding everywhere. I was trying to whisper all this to Dana, but it's pretty hard to whisper on the phone, so I had to walk away.  I honestly have no clue what happened to him, or if he was injured before he got to the airport, but he clearly had been messing with it, because he had blood all over his hands, his glasses and face, and the wall behind him.  It was gross.  And it was still actively bleeding.  He was just sitting there casually on the floor, waiting for our plane to board while he bleeds out in the Minneapolis airport.  The Delta worker was sitting with him, and a few minutes later he stumbled past me.  I wandered back closer to the gate to see if anyone remembered there was supposed to be a flight boarding, but everyone seemed too interested in the bloody guy.  As I walked back away so I could get out of earshot to relay all this to Dana, I saw another passenger pick up a couple of bags, only to have the Delta attendant swat them out of his hands, yelling "the germs!"  The man asked if the bleeder would be allowed on the plane, because if so, this kind man was willing to put his bags up for him.  The lady responded "Um no, he won't be boarding."  That's when I realized the bleeder had stumbled past me, leaving his bags at the gate, and disappeared out of sight, knowing he wouldn't be allowed on the plane.  Now, I wasn't gonna be the one to say "bomb" in the airport, but to me that seems pretty suspect.  I think the other people around me started to get nervous that he had walked off without his bags too, but at this point we were lining up to board.  I was at the end of the line, and before I got on the plane, I saw the guy coming back towards our gate.  I have no idea where he went, since there was a bathroom right by our gate, but we was stumbling around and even feel into one of the windows, probably due to low blood pressure.  The two Delta women seemed very nervous at his approach and I was wondering if they were going to Paper, Rock, Scissors who had to tell him to leave the gate and escort him away.  That was probably pretty awkward.  Meanwhile, some cleaning staff had come by and were bleaching the wall where his blood was.  I'm very pleased to say that the bleeder and his carry-on bombs did not make my flight.  I think everyone was holding their breath before the door closed.  Everyone around me was watching the front while we were taking our seats, and you could almost hear the collective sigh when they closed the door and we started backing up.  It was also pretty hilarious when we landed in OKC, we were all gathered around the baggage claim carousel and you could see people talking about it, and imitating the guy.  I'm hoping my flights home on Wednesday are MUCH less exciting.  I have a feeling if anything happens, I'm gonna get crazy anxiety and I'm gonna need something to help me relax.  But then I'll probably end up like Annie on Bridesmaids.  

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