Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Walmart at Midnight? OH SURE.

Well I promised you guys a interesting Walmart tale, so here it is.  Here's the deal.  The night before we I guess, we were super busy all night trying to get stuff done.  We were going back and forth between our apartment and the house and I kept saying to Jacob "keep in mind, I REALLY have to go to Walmart tonight."  Thinking about it now, I have no idea what I needed there that was so imperative, but it was stressing me out.  So it wasn't until midnight that Jacob finally said I could go because I didn't need to help him with anything anymore.  So even though I was super exhausted, I headed up to Walmart.  In the words of my dad, "IT WAS LIKE A GETTIN A B12 SHOT!"  I'm telling you, this trip totally revitalized and re-energized me.  There was such a bizarre assortment of people.  I mean, YES, I know, it was Walmart at midnight.  But this was a NORTH DAKOTA, gypsy-filled Walmart at midnight.  Deliciously entertaining.  Let me run down the list of characters for you:

My first encounter was with an overnight Walmart worker--like one of the guys who stocks the shelves.  It was a really awkward situation because I was walking up and down the aisles looking for contact paper--THAT'S IT.  Contact paper. That's what I needed from Walmart.  ANYWAYS, I was walking up and down the aisles aimlessly trying to find the contact paper, and as I'm standing in the aisle, I see the guy look my direction while going past my aisle.  I had a conversation in my head because I was like "Girl! Did you see that!? He was checkin you out!"  But then the other personality in me was like "No..he was just looking down the aisle.  If he was interested, he'd come back and ask if I need help."  Obviously this was a pretty quick conversation between my personalities, because the next thing you know, this guy's coming back towards me asking if he can help me find something.  This guy was clueless, honestly.  I think I could have asked where the milk was, or even where the checkout counters were and he would have been stumped, so I knew he wouldn't know where shelf liner was, but I figured I'd give it a try.  Sure enough, he had no idea, but he was "happy to walk around with you until we find it."  Yeah I'll bet.  Let me say that despite my cocky attitude now, I could not have looked more disgusting.  Let me remind you that I had spent probably six hours prior to this trip cleaning, packing, and moving.  Also, I can't say for certain when I had showered most recently, so it's very likely that, in addition to smelling, my hair had taken on an entirely new hue.  What really put the icing on the cake was that the stress of the move, combined with all the dirt and dust I was cleaning had given me a massive forehead pimple.  Not even one that could be covered up with makeup or anything (not that I had any left on my face at this point).  This thing was so big, honestly it looked like maybe I had the mumps...just only on my forehead.  And since my skin hates me, it was like fire engine red, so....I didn't exactly look my best. What I really looked liked was that episode of Saved by the Bell where Kelly gets that zit right before homecoming (first world problems) and she's up for queen.  Naturally, she's horrified that the whole school (who up until this point has been completely in love with her) will not be able to see past her "giant" pimple, and she'll get laughed all the way out of high school.
In her defense, she was probably right to worry, because kids in high school are really mean.  After all, they do refer to one of her schoolmates, who presumably has some skin issues, as "Crater Face" Coburn.  Her solution?  She uses Screech's chemistry experiment gone wrong (which somehow acts as acne cream?  I'm a little fuzzy on the chemistry) on her skin the day before Homecoming.  Great plan Kel, nothing can go wrong there.  SHOCKINGLY, Screech's cream, which was NOT approved for use on humans backfires, and turns your skin maroon.  According to Screech, that only lasts 24 hours, but of course those 24 hours last during the Homecoming court election!  What's a girl to do?  Kelly shows up basically looking like she's in blackface which is...not cool, Kelly.  Not cool.
HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES LISA FEEL?!  I have to believe there's some tension between those two, but no.  Kelly's a master of race relations, and she's somehow able to spin the whole thing AND do a rap about Bayside, which Lisa happily participates in.
And of course, she's still hotter than every other girl at Bayside, so she acts charming, and everyone overlooks her disgusting skin issue to crown her queen over two other pathetic girls whose lives just got that much worse since they lose to an oompa loompa.   Man what an easy life she had.   At one point, the camera sneaks a peek at Principal Belding (who's loving all the good natured fun), and we see some maroon spots on his face as well.
Looks like old Beld-o's not too old for zits!  Also, looks like he's dumb enough to put something Screech made BY ACCIDENT on his face. For a principal, Belding is extremely stupid.  I can't even imagine how much Principal Feeny would hate him.
Okay so back to the guy at Walmart--So as he and I are walking around, looking for contact paper, he says "you from around these parts?"  Oy.  No, sir, I'm not.  And I'm guessing that caricature of a southern accent is your way of getting me to ask where you're from.  I told him I wasn't from ND, to which he said "yeah, I figured.  You didn't have that weird accent."  Amen, brother.  Then he told me that he was from "between Florida and Alabama" which is a very strange way to describe your origin, right?  It's either one state or the other.  I'm confused.  That would be like if I went to Paris and met some charming Frenchman named Pierre and he asked me where I'm from, and I said "between the US and Canada."  It just doesn't make sense.

Once I found the contact paper and lost my clinger, I walked to the checkout counters.  I happened to pass by the book section on my way to checkout and noticed that Jennifer Hudson has a book out.  Here's the thing with Jennifer Hudson.  I LOVED her back in the day.  She is the reason I stopped watching American Idol because there is NO WAY she shouldn't have won.  She had the most amazing voice and a super beautiful face and I was disgusted that she didn't get enough votes to win. Ever since, I have been a huge fan of her, really wanting her to do well, just to stick it to Ryan Seacrest (I know it doesn't impact him, but he bothers me).  Despite how much I love her, though, I CANNOT get on board with the title of her book, "I Got This". I mean, honestly.  Was she even present at any of the meetings with the publisher?  Were they unsure about what else to call it, so they had been filling the title page with "Generic Black Woman Phrase" only to realize they were at their deadline and had to throw something on there without getting her approval first?  Because if that's the case, I have some other titles they could have used: "Oh Hey Girl, Hey!" "Nah Girl it ain't Like That" "Dayyyyy-um!" "Do Not Put yo Hands on Me" "I'm Not Playin with You" and finally, "It's My Way til Payday" [copyright Angie Jordan]

After an extreme amount of eye-rolling at that book title, I made it to the checkout counter, only to realize I was about the tenth person in line. Unfortunately for all of us in the store, they closed all the U-Scans and every single register except for one.  This gave me plenty of opportunity to scope out the people in line ahead of me.  Initially I was struck by the lady a few people ahead of me who was easily 35, but was wearing pink slippers and a beanie with the Pop Tart logo sewn on.  Is that something you can buy?  I can't imagine anyone buying that, but then, I also can't imagine anyone saving the boxtops from multiple boxes of Pop Tarts with the intention of MAILING THEM IN AND INCLUDING MONEY FOR SHIPPING just to get a beanie with the logo on it.  None of the scenarios as to how someone could end up with that hat make sense to me.

Directly in front of me was a college kid.  Bless this kid's  heart.  He was obviously trying to enjoy his Friday night by getting high and he came to Walmart because he had a serious case of the munchies.  He had a bag of Doritos, Cheetos, and Funions, a 10 pack of Reese's, and some Little Debbie's.  Unfortunately for this kid, I'm pretty sure that his buzz was worn off by the time he checked out.  

When it was finally my turn to check out, I noticed the cashier for the first time.  She was probably my age, but since she had no teeth, her perceived age was perhaps a big skewed.  She had that sunken, toothless face which was not made better by her continual sucking on her gums for what I'm assuming were meth remnants.  She was a nice enough lady, I guess, but for the first time in my life, I was very jealous of those SARS masks that Asians are always wearing.  What I would have given for one of those.  

When I was walking out to my car, I noticed a group of guys in a truck on the other side of the parking log, BLARING Cher and singing along super loud.  Look, guys, I get it.  You're belting out "Believe" by Cher in the Walmart parking lot at midnight to prove how hilarious you are.  But even if you're singing it ironically, I'm still embarrassed for you because 1) you KNOW the words to Believe by Cher and 2) you have the song on a CD or ipod and can readily access it.  Dudes, let's get real.  You're closet Cher fans.  It's cool.  I did the same thing in sixth and seventh grade about the Spice Girls.  I was like "OH my gosh, I know!? Aren't they the worst!??!  This song sucks!  Let's turn it all the way up and sing it as loud as we can and wouldn't it be funny if we bought all of the cds????"  Now I don't give a crap.  Yeah, I've got the Spice Girls on my ipod.  What are you gonna do about it?  Sometimes I just need a good slow jam like "2 Become 1."

Okay that's just about all that I remember from last weekend's Walmart trip.  I'm exhausted now and need to get to bed because I'm going to be CRANKY at work tomorrow.  I'll try to take some house pictures soon.  Until then, here's the outside of the house!

Tomorrow is closing, so there's a good possibility I'll have plenty to say about how things go down with our realtor.  At the flip of a switch, I can VERY easily become an angry black woman, and I do NOT think she wants that.


  1. You are HILARIOUS!!!! I love your blog! lol :)

  2. Thanks!! I must warn you that if you continue reading, it's entirely possible you may OD on Full House and/or Saved by the Bell references. For some reason, both shows have been on my brain lately and it's all I can relate to.