Friday, May 25, 2012

Moving Sucks

You know, sometimes you just have a really crappy day. Some moves are basically the worst and you find yourself crying to total strangers. On those days, I like to end it with a screaming match between myself and a neighbor because my dogs peed in an empty lot full of trash. Good riddance Dickinson. Your "friendly community" is really just a collection of a-holes.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Irrational Anger

I can't explain it, but one of my biggest pet peeves in the universe is when people park in front of my driveway. Really? The open curb along the ENTIRE street wasn't good enough? Who decides "yeah I'll just block this driveway. These people probably don't even have cars.". Hopefully when the movers show up in a minute, the semi will just drive over the car, smashing it like a bug, so they can pull in the driveway. Really, I have no idea why this gets me so irate, but it ALWAYS has.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


If anyone ever tells you that moving at 20 weeks pregnant is fun, they're big jerk liars.

Tomorrow is packing day #1. I am already miserable and exhausted.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Jersey Post!

Well today was a crazy busy day. I had a doctors appointment AND we had three showings. The doctors appointment was pretty good, if somewhat uneventful. Got to hear baby's heartbeat: 147. I did make the mistake of wearing a maxi dress to work today, which meant I wore it to my appointment. Nothing's quite as awkward when you get to the doctor and they need to listen for the heartbeat, so rather than just lifting your shirt up a bit, you have to start at your ankles, pulling your whole dress up like some sort of Mennonite strip tease. Then, because I was sitting and couldn't gracefully just stand up to lift the dress, I had to keep lifting up one side of my butt and then the other to inch the dress up, leaning back to try to stuff it all underneath me, which basically meant I was going crotch-first at the nurse. Good thing it was my last appointment, because that was awkward.

As far as the house showings, we haven't had any feedback yet, but we're hoping somebody really loved it. Hopefully we will get more showings tomorrow and we'll get somebody who wants to buy the house. Okay, now on to more important matters: Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Sunday's episode fell a little bit flat for me. Although you wouldn't know it to look at my notes, of which I took 10 pages. At the core of the episode was the Gia blowup which was just SO RIDICULOUS and more of the same Teresa vs Joe drama that keeps getting played out. Sprinkle in lots of comments about Lauren's weight and I was pretty much irritated for the whole episode.

Immediately in the episode we see a very grouchy Joe fighting in the car with Teresa about the argument she had with her brother the previous episode. (So much for not running back and telling your husband everything, right Tre?)  Teresa blames Joe's attitude (and foul mouth) on his astrological symbol. Come on. I know some people believe in that crap, but I am not one of them. I don't think your husband is a "fiery Gemini". I just think an idiot jerk with roid rage who seriously needs anger management. While talking about the Gorgas, Joe says "those people are jealous, no-good idiots. I really don't wanna f-ing see them around". Now, I'd never say Joe and Melissa are smart, but jealous no-good idiots? That doesn't really fit. I think he just couldn't come up with any other negative descriptions. After all, he'd already thrown around the "retard" word. Which, by the way, how many times does he have to get scolded by Andy Cohen about his language before he decides to stop offending people?

Suddenly Joe cuts Teresa off, saying he doesn't want to hear it anymore. "When I say something, you f-ing listen and shut up".
 Oh honey no. I'm no feminist, but if my husband EVER spoke to me like that, he'd be sterile for the rest of his life. Someone needs to sit Teresa down and explain to her that Joe is a really crappy husband. He doesn't seem to respect her or her family, and I can't imagine that's a very fulfilling relationship.
Teresa, excusing the crappy way her husband treats her, says "Joe and I--knock on wood--we never fight!". But when she says knock on wood, she knocks on her head.
Huh? I don't want to get too technical, but under that thick hair is skin. Under that is blood vessels. Under that is your skull, and inside that (hopefully) there is lots of brain matter. There really shouldn't be any wood in there.

When the producers sent Rich and Joe Gorga for a weird bro workout at some budget gym, Rich says "I wanna ask you something..." then proceeds to mention Melissa and Joe's relationship with Melissa's sisters and asks if that makes him depressed to compare it to his own sister. Come on, dude. Stop being such a freaking instigator. He always brings crap up, but when things get crazy he's like "I don't know why you waste your time. I don't know why you bother with her". Because you get in people's ear and and get them all fired up!

Oh boy- time to catch up on how Lauren's diet is going. Ugh. Caroline: "All my life I've been tiny, but I can relate to Lauren".

THANK YOU CHRIS FOR FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING YOU'VE GAINED WEIGHT. Now will someone else please admit that so we can all move on from acting like Lauren is the fat black sheep of the family?

When Lauren is golfing with her dad and they are OF COURSE discussing her weight, he says "Would you be more attractive if you were thinner?...I guess". HOLY FREAKING CRAP. Cut to Caroline saying "this world is cruel". HOW ABOUT GIVING YOUR VERY PRETTY DAUGHTER SOME CONFIDENCE IN HER APPEARANCE. Geez Louise you guys, I want to sit all the Manzos down and scream in all their faces about how they talk about Lauren. They are essentially saying that the way she looks now is inadequate. How can you treat your child that way??? Of course she won't have good self-esteem!

You might not realize it, but at this point we're only 7 minutes in and I've gone through 4 pages of notes...

Honestly you guys, I think I need to start fast forwarding through the scenes with Lauren. It's way too frustrating and I cannot handle the food/body issues she has, though I TOTALLY get why she has them. At one point she says "I'd like to look like a lollipop". When you are so skinny that your head appears larger because it's disproportionate to your skinny body, that's a telltale sign of anorexia. NOT a good thing to aspire to.

Oh geez. Now we get to see Joe Guidice working out without his shirt. So nasty. And why do his nipples poke downward like that?? Given the choice of Joe workout footage, I'd watch him in his weird leg crank rather than anything shirtless 10 times out of 10.

Later we see Lauren and Jacqueline shopping for athletic gear during which Lauren brings up another insecurity-her boobs. She says she wants a reduction but that her mom won't let her get one. So apparently the only part of her that's allowed to be big is her boobs??? Gross, Caroline. That is ridiculous.

This bra/period discussion between Joe, Gia and Teresa is weird. Hey, I love period talks more than probably anyone in the world, but when Joe says "I think Milania (the five year old?) has bigger boobs than you!" to his 10 year old daughter, that's weird to me. If the dad is involved in the whole puberty thing, whatever, that's fine. But to actively comment on you daughters changing body to her is really skeevy and creepy to me.

This bra shopping excursion is so awkward. I know she's a kid, but Gia grosses me out. She's probably a lovely child, but she's kind of a troll. And at 10 years old, she does not need a bra with an underwire.

Field Day starts at Jacqueline's house, and I really wish I could've been there. Naturally as soon as the Manzos show up, the conversation revolves around Lauren's weight. Albie says "Lauren has a bit of an attitude. I'm thinking it's the lack of carbs". I'll only say this one time. Lauren is lashing out because she has to constantly defend herself from her FAMILY who make fun of, and essentially worsen, her insecurities.

Did CJ get packed in Ashley's suitcase when she went to Vegas? We haven't seen him since Ashley left, but we see the baby all the time. I want to see sweet little CJ.

Everyone at field day seems concerned with Melissa's short shorts. Admittedly, they are much too short, which clearly was the purpose, but Teresa's response is the creepiest to me. The disgust on her face only slightly covers the jealousy as she checks out Melissa's butt. I can honestly say I have never checked out a single one of my sister in laws' butts.

This field day looks like so much fun. Mostly because I want to hang out with Jacqueline all day while she's drunk and giggly.

YAY! CJ sighting at the dunk tank! He's still around!

I know they're trying to play off how competitive Gia is, but that's super annoying. If people at school don't already hate her for it, they will soon enough. And, oh man, when she's in high school and she's competitive about cars, boys and her looks-she is going to be a NIGHTMARE. Teresa excuses Gia's anger at the "cheating" of the tug of war by saying "she's a kid--they're taught in school 'don't cheat'". Okay, well they're also taught proper grammar and she doesn't seem so tied to that philosophy.

Gia is a complete psycho, let's be honest. Seriously, again, I get that she's a kid, but her breakdown after field day is crazy. She's too old to pout like that. Also, she needs to be taught some serious manners. If some kid came to my house for an event that I planned and put work into and she complained that she didn't want to be there and it wasn't fun, I would tell her she's an ungrateful brat and ask her to leave. Which is why I'll be a great mom.....but seriously, that kind of attitude and disrespect is inexcusable.

I LOVE JACQUELINE READING THIS POOR SPORTS BOOK TO GIA. Incredible. It's rude, sure, but it's honest and the girl needs some discipline, obviously. If I were Jacqueline, I'd read it to Gia, then put a bow on it and give it to Teresa with a note that says "you may want to read this with her a coupe nights a week".

Jacqueline handled that whole thing with much more grace than I would have. I would've been like "I'm not apologizing--you're daughter's being a spoiled brat! She should apologize to me for acting like this in my house!".

So I guess that's about it. What did we learn from this episode? Not much except that Gia is already a manipulative, whiny brat who will only grate on my nerves as the season progresses.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

It's Official

*********TRUMPET SOUNDS*********
Well folks, I have an announcement I've been putting off making on the ol' blog for the past couple weeks.  This time next week, Jacob and I (and the dogs) will no longer be residents of Dickinson. 
Looks like our nomadic life will continue on as we move back to Houston.  I'd been putting off announcing it (even though probably half [okay 90%] of you know) for a couple of reasons.  1) I wanted to get a chance to tell people first.  KT, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I TRIED TO CALL YOU.  It's okay, she doesn't read this.  Honestly, she can't even read.  JUST KIDDING, KT, LOVE YOU!  (really though, she'll never read this).  Reason #2 why it took so long--I've been a littttttttttle overwhelmed.  Don't get me wrong, in my mind I'm excited about moving back.  But a move is really overwhelming on it's own, and when you add that on top of JUST moving in your house 5 months ago, having your husband switch to a new company and all the anxiety that comes with that, having to quit my job AND being pregnant.  Honestly, guys.  It's a lot.  Even though I know I'll be shaking with excitement next week, the last couple weeks have just been so hectic.  Trying to get the house on the market and get it cleaned and figure out all the relocation paperwork and move forward with looking online for houses in Houston AND wrap things up at work has really taken up a lot of my time.  That should explain why all my blogging recently has been pictures of the dogs.  I'm lazy and I'm tired.  It seems like every night Jacob and I are up until after midnight trying to get things organized and lined up for the next day.  Right now it's 11:40 and I'm no where near ready for bed.  I've just been feeling like time is slipping away from me, and with the packers coming on Wednesday, expect full Jessie Spano freakout to commence shortly.
It's too bad I'm not supposed to be getting any caffeine right now because of this baby.  Because I would easily take on Jessie's caffeine pill addiction in order to get all my crap done.  I've watched the episode like 50 times, but obviously I haven't learned from her lesson. 

So yeah...that's kind of what's happening here. I need to get more stuff done so I can get to bed, so I haven't watched RHoNJ.  I'm REALLY hoping to do it tomorrow, but I won't make any promises about that.  I just spent the last 1 1/5 hours going through our filing cabinet to figure out what papers/files can go to storage, and what needs to come in the car with us.  What I've discovered is that Jacob is a paper hoarder.  After the 1 1/2 hours of sorting files, I spent an additional 20 minutes JUST shredding paper and throwing things away.  The good news is that our file cabinet is running pretty lean now.  

Our house is officially on the market now.  I would say click here if you want to see pictures of our house, but the realtor hasn't gotten them up yet, so....probably  not worth the effort.  Not like it really matters to any of you at this point what our house looks like, since we're only going to be in it for like 5 more days.  Pray we get lots of lookers in the next 2 days before the packers come.  We got a call to show the house like 10 minutes after putting the sign in the yard yesterday, but nothing came of it.  The husband loved it, the wife wanted something bigger.  

In other news, I'm officially half way through this pregnancy!! I'm 20 weeks today, which is crazy how fast it's going.  It's also kind of freaking me out since I haven't started thinking about ANYTHING baby related.  I need to pick a crib, stroller, car seat, all that stuff and I just haven't had the chance to sit and do the research.  Like I said, we've been a bit busy.  

Last night we took the boys for a jog, which we've never done before.  I took Andy and Jacob took Oscar and those boys loved it.  Well, I say they loved it.  They survived.  Oscar loved it for sure and when we finished running, he wasn't even slightly winded.  I think he could have easily gone another mile.  Andy was more tired, but he did really well, too.  We took them again tonight, but didn't run as far since we'd just eaten dinner.  We didn't both need to be barfing along the path of the community center.  

Okay I desperately need to get my other stuff done.  I'm REALLY hoping I can do my New Jersey blog tomorrow night, but like I said, I can't make any promises.  Pray for lookers for our house!!!!!!   

Lap Puppy

Somebody loves to snuggle with his dad.

Friday, May 18, 2012

More Diva Dog

Most dogs greet their owners with joy. Mine looks at me with contempt for daring to turn on the light. FYI, he's on Jacob's pillow. Makes him feel closer to his dad.


So pathetic.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Look To The Cookie, Elaine!

You know, Jerry was right about the black and white cookie. Two races of cookie living side by side. It's a wonderful thing.


These guys love to guard from a comfortable position.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Snuggle Bug!

Snuggling is only fun when it's with Dad.

Sorry Guys

I just don't have the energy or the patience to blog again tonight. Quick overview of the last couple of days: Jacob had his first softball game for the office team. He was a total baller and even hit an inside-the-park homerun!! He was awesome. Only problem was that I was a tad distracted by all the trashy people showing up at the softball fields with their coolers full of beer. I saw a lot of townies last night. Most of them were drunk and all of them were unattractive.

In baby news, I am 19 weeks going on 38, apparently. I've worn a few dresses this week and everyday someone tells me I look huge. I think they mean it to be sweet, but all it's doing is making me paranoid that I'm gonna get gestational diabetes. Even a stranger to me congratulations the other day. I mean, yeah, I'm almost halfway done, but at the same time, I don't feel like I should be so big at this point that strangers feel comfortable asking me when I'm due. The baby was kicking earlier, which is pretty awesome, but ever since I've had this spasm in my rib area and it is driving me crazy.

I'm super bummed I did my most recent RHoNJ recap on the ipad (which won't let me add pictures) because I found some AWESOME screengrabs from the episode. I promise I won't forget about those come next week.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


"What do you mean you just cleaned the fur off of the couches? How does that effect me?"

Monday, May 14, 2012

New Jersey Episode 4

As I'm watching the recap of last weeks episode--you guys, that last episode was so good.

As we are watching the women talk to their spouses about the Teresa and Melissa fight, I'm struck by a couple of things. 1) Kathy's camo hat and tank top are just not a great look. 2) watching Rich and Kathy hold hands is making me nauseous. It's like two lizards fighting.

For as much as Kathy tries to play peacemaker and give Teresa a second chance, her husband talks A LOT of trash about Teresa. I get that Teresa is crazy, but you can't say you're wanting to believe Teresa is still a good person and you're not ready to give up on her and then let your husband bash her and swear about her every single time she's brought up. Rich is just way too much of an instigator for me. And even though I appreciate Kathy's willingness to forgive Teresa, she's way too passive about how Rich talks about her. If you really care about her, tell him he needs to stop talking about your family like that. If you don't care about her, let him continue on and you might as well join him.

Someone please explain what this machine is that Joe Guidice is on while Teresa relates the previous nights fight. It's like got a steering wheel between his legs that's pulling his legs together. What in the world? Does this help him poop? Because when he walked into the room, he said he really needed to poop and the next thing you know, he's looking like a kid playing pretend bus driver, wheeling his legs shut.

Teresa's recount of the fight is predictably ridiculous.

OKAY NOW JOE GUIDICE'S LEGS ARE IN A WIDE SPLIT POSITION AND HE'S RESTING ON THE STERING WHEEL. What the heck, people?! Why are they not address the hand crank he uses to stretch his legs in the bedroom??? Is this some sort of weird sex toy? Because if it is, please DON'T tell me about it.

Here we go again with Joe Guidice making fun of what other people look like. He thinks Melissa looks like a horse, Kathy looks like a frog...has anyone ever told him he looks like a gorilla? And not in a cute monkey sort of way, but in a disproportionate, touches his own feces kind of way.

I want to know what the heck has happened between Caroline, Jacqueline and Dina that Dina isn't talking to the other two, but she's still
close with Teresa. How the heck do you fight with Jacqueline?! Give her a glass of wine and she giggles about anything! She seems like the easiest friend in the world. I'll be your friend, Jacqueline!

It's bothering me that Teresa is working out with her hair down and in a tube top. FYI, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people don't wear appropriate workout gear, so here's just one more reason for Teresa to get on my nerves.

PLOT TWIST: The trainer is a secret alcoholic?! They just cut to her gym bag with the wine in it. I can't wait to see how this develops. If only we'd met this hot mess at some point before this very moment so we could be disappointed in how she's living her life!

This personal training session is a total waste of time. I hope Jacqueline isn't paying this drunk trainer per hour, because so far all they've done is 15 mountain climbers. Well unfortunately they didn't discover the trainers secret stash in the bathroom, which is too bad, but I do appreciate the camera man zooming in on the bottle to implicate her since the girls didn't notice. I also love Jacqueline asking the girl if her pants were inside out right before they cut to another scene. She's on to you, drunky. All the altoids in the world can't cover up the smell of Sutter Home on your breath.

How can Chris afford to buy a brand new Jaguar?? Can someone please explain his finances to me? Caroline said before that she doesn't give the kids money, she just pays for their groceries occasionally. Okay, I feel a lot better about that car being for Caroline. But before she found that out and they said Chris was getting the car, how did she not just blurt out "HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THIS THING?"

Kathy's kids seem pretty normal, but someone needs to teach her daughter to chew with her mouth closed. OKAY here's an example of why Rich bugs me. They're talking about their pool party and Kathy's confused because neither of her kids had friends show up. So Rich says to the camera that since Teresa and Joe were invited to the party, he told his kids to play along and not invite any of their friends, claiming "the fewer people who know you're related to Joe and Teresa Guidice, the better it is for your reputation in high school". I have so many issues with that. The most obvious being that it's kind of hard to keep the relation a secret since YOU'RE ON A TV SHOW AND CONSTANTLY TALKING ABOUT HOW YOURE RELATED TO TERESA. It's not like it's some big secret. Also, it bothers me how much he's undermining his wife in the whole Teresa thing. Yes, all of America knows she's crazy, but you should not be telling that to your kids. If their mom wants to project a united and healthy family that enjoys each others company, let her do that!! I HATE when people teach their kids who to like and who to dislike. Because I guarantee Kathy's kids make fun of Joe and Teresa, simply repeating the things their dad says, not because of their own experiences or feelings. Let your kids form their own opinions about Joe and Teresa.

Rosie sighting you guys!!! And she's in a bandana. I love it.

This FaceTime between Ashley and Jacqueline is awkward. There is a lot of just staring back and forth at each other. Maybe she just got fresh injections and she's not supposed to move her lips much. I still just can't get over that face. That's a shame.

Melissa's attitude about how to act to Teresa around her kids is very refreshing. At least we have someone who is capable of thinking logically.

OKAY I REALLY THOUGHT ROSIE WAS ABOUT TO DO A CANNONBALL. Instead, she just had the boys in the pool race each other. What a letdown. PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

Rich: "Whatever the adults are going through in their relationship, they should keep the kids out of it". SAYS THE GUY WHO TOLD HIS KIDS NOT TO INVITE THEIR FRIENDS OVER FOR FEAR THAT PEOLLE WOULD FIND OUT THEY'RE RELATED TO TERESA ANS JOE. Man, Rich just bugs me so bad. He'll accuse Teresa of doing something like talking about her family, and then he'll mock Teresa's family for like 20 minutes. He says the kids shouldn't be involved in the adults problems, but he's making fun of the Guidices right in front of (and with) his kids. He's just so judgmental about everything, but most of the qualities he dislikes in Teresa are qualities HE has.

ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN!! ROSIE IS GOING TO DO A CANNONBALL!!!!!! Did she do a bellyflop?! I love it.

Holy Barbara Streisand sighting! I love that picture of Al and Caroline from when they were first married. That's pretty adorable. Oh my gosh, Chris looks EXACTLY like Al when he was younger.

I just realized why Rich's mouth bothers me so much. It looks exactly like how my mouth feels when I've had a ton of dental work done and I'm numb and I can't tell if my lips are closing and if I'm dripping drool down my face.

I love that Joe Gorga "doesn't believe in therapy". I guess I don't see how talking through your problems with an unbiased person helping you stay on track could HURT. I also am not sure therapy is something you can believe in. It's just talking through issues. What is there to not believe in?

Oy, I don't know how Joe Gorga can carry on a conversation with his sister. It's maddening how she turns everything on everyone else. It's Joe's fault that Melissa is upset about Teresa saying Melissa would leave Joe for someone rich. It's Joe's fault that Teresa has changed because he changed when HE got married. It's unreal. I'd be shocked if she ever admitted to doing anything in her whole life. I can't even follow her logic; first she's accusing her brother of not being there for her, even though all she has is her parents and her brother. Then a minute later she's saying that she doesn't need anybody. You can't be mad at him for "not being there" for you and then claim you don't need anybody. That doesn't make sense. I get that Teresa is completely delusional, but I don't know how she can tell her brother he is the "meanest brother ever" when he's trying to tell you he wants to have a relationship with you again. Especially after you've just told him that his wife is a gold-digger who will leave him when a richer man comes along. To me, that seems pretty dang mean. Even if you think it, what good does that do by voicing that to your brother? All you're doing is creating unnecessary tension and bad self-esteem. Seems pretty mean to me.....

Why is Melissa rubbing Joe's nipple to calm him down?

I am VERY interested to see what happens next week. Looks like this may finally be the blow up between Jacqueline and Teresa. And the fact that freaky little Gia is at the heart of it just irritates me.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Jersey Tomorrow

I'm getting a bit overwhelmed by all we have going on here, so I didn't get to watch RHoNJ tonight. I'll have to watch it tomorrow and post about it then.

PS, I just looked at the belly pic I had Jacob take for me and I realize its not the greatest. I don't want him to have to take another one though, because he seemed weirded out enough the first time. I said, can you take a picture of my belly for me? He was like "uhhh why?". I said "people asked for a picture!". His response "like who?!" Clearly he isn't impressed with the changes that are happening to my body right now....maybe one day I'll say I want to take a picture with no shirt on and just my hands covering my chest A LA Demi Moore/Jessica Simpson/Kim Zolciak. That will really freak him out. Understandably so.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there. I am so thankful for all the amazing moms in my life who are such great examples of what it means to be a good mom. Of course, I'm partial to my mom who is probably one of the greatest people I'll ever meet. She's loving, kind, funny and she's always there for me. I don't even know what I'd do without her. I'm also awed by my sisters and what amazing moms they all are. I'm truly inspired by what Godly moms they are and how they're raising their kids to be such awesome little people. I hope that I can be half the mom they all are for my little baby. If I am, I know the baby will turn out just fine. So to Mom, Laura, Angie, Hilary, Ashley, Mandy, and Christine--thank you for being such great examples for me and for your own kids. I am so lucky to have all of you in my life and I love you so much. Happy Mothers Day!!!!!

On a sort of related note, at the request of like two of you, here's a little snapshot of my progress as a momma.. Keep in mind it's the end of the day and I've just scarfed some cheese and crackers and M&Ms. Still, I'm getting pretty big.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Met Ball!!

So quick update in the cake contest--we don't have any winners yet. We extended the deadline until first thing tomorrow morning because as of 5pm, we only had three cakes submitted for the contest...both of mine and one other one. I would really love those odds, except the lady decorates cakes as a side job, so that's kind of cheating. Anyways, we are supposed to have a couple more people enter their cakes tomorrow, so we'll see. At the very worst, I think I'll have 2 out of six cakes being judged, which is pretty promising.

Okay now on to the important stuff--$100,000 gowns. I seriously love the Met Ball because it's an even better display of fancy dresses than the Oscars is. Plus, lots of times you see people try things that are more high fashion/couture, so you get more interesting and unexpected looks than the standard beautiful gowns you see at the Oscars.  Honestly, I couldn't even break it down to top five for each category because there were so many I felt passionately about that I couldn't cut any from the list. So there are six best and worst dressed. Deal with it.

Best Dressed:
6. Rashida Jones
Normally she plays down her looks a lot in her fashion choices, which really breaks my heart. I really love Rashida and I love this dress on her. On someone else it might not work for me, but I'm a sucker for a printed gown, and I love the colors of this one.

5. Ashley Greene
Honestly, the ONLY issue I have with this is that it's a little bridal. Although I guess the one sleeve does make it a little more gown, but still.  Take that away and it could be a fancy wedding dress.  I tend to not care for Ashley and her overly snipped nose. She looks very snobbish and haughty to me, and the acting in Twilight was one of the best and worst things I've ever seen. Worst because it was legitimately terrible, and best because I almost through-the-nosed my milk at the acting in one scene. But even I won't deny she looks incredible here.

4. January Jones
Here's a lady who is super hit-or-miss with her gowns, but I'm crazy about this one. Let's compare this to how she did two years ago...
And yes, she did pose most of the night with her hands straight out beside her like a Barbie doll......Again, I'm not a big fan of January because she seems like an ice queen and I don't think she's as drop dead beautiful as everyone else does. Personally, I'll take a fat Betty Draper any day.

3. Karolina Kurkova
I'm not even kidding about this when I say I love this outfit. Head to tie, I think she looks so incredible. I'm sure you either love it or you hate it, and probably the only other people that are with me on this one are drag queens, but I just can't help it. There is something very old-school Sophia Loren that I am so wowed by.
 I think she's really stunning. Over the top-diva? Of course. But if you're going to do it anywhere, it might as well be the Met Ball.  Although, honestly, I don't know how she was able to pose like that and take herself seriously.  She must have known she looked seriously gorgeous.

2.  Katharine McPhee
 Looks like I desperately need to get myself a show on NBC so I can show up at the Met Ball in an Elie Saab.  I love everything about this dress.  I want one in every color.

1.  Solange Knowles
I know, I know, it seems crazy that she could be the best dressed, but I LOVED this dress.  This combined with the natural hair and the soft makeup and the color of her skin is just complete perfection to me.  I adore the whole thing.  Go girl!  Show Beyonce what's up!

Worst Dressed:

6.  Debra Messing
The dress on it's own is not bad.  It's pretty enough, though not really original enough for the Met Ball, in my opinion.  It's just...not flattering.  Something about the gathering at the waist and how it meets the deep neck makes her look like she has no waist and she's really wide.  She can do a lot better than this.

5.  Jessica Chastain

This frustrates me a lot because she showed so much potential with her Oscar dress that I was in love with.  This dress is just not good.  First of all, it looks like a lampshade.  Second of all, it does nothing for her shape.  And third, it looks like her chest is being held in a vice grip.  You never really want a dress to look like you're being squeezed down to a bust the size of a training bra, okay?

4.  Sarah Jessica Parker
Normally I give her a pass because she's kind of wacky and fashion-y, which I enjoy.  At least she's wearing something interesting, you know.  And honestly, I'm not sure that this sister-wife dress would have bothered me so much on her had it not been for the MATCHING T-STRAP FLORAL SHOES.  Oh honey no.  That's just bad.  Bad bad bad.

3.  Kate Upton
FYI everybody, this girl is a supermodel.  She was just on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and every guy in America is in love with her.  This is probably the worst she's ever looked in her life.  Right?  It has to be.  Between the severe hair, the Mommie Dearest makeup, and the HORRIBLY unflattering dress, she just needs to go home and try again.  Honey, you're a model.  Dress like one.

2.  Leighton Meester
A lot of my issues in this outfit don't lay entirely with the dress itself, but let's start there.  It's Marchesa, so it's just a bunch of tool, illusion netting, and embroidered lace.  How many iterations of this dress can they do?!!?  The bigger problem here, is of course the excess amount of carrots she must be consuming.  I realize you want to look "tan" when you do special events, but at some point, wouldn't you be like "oh wait.  This is probably enough bronzer."?  Also, putting on purplish/brown lipstick does not help draw the focus away from your eerily orange skin.

1.  Gwyneth Paltrow
 Who else but the space waitress herself could be worst dressed?  I know I'm biased because I don't like her, but this is bad.  The fabric looks tacky, the hip accouterments are distracting, the dress has a mullet and she's got WAY too much side boob.  Not to mention the dyed-to-match bridesmaids dress shoes she's sporting.  Hate the whole thing.  It looks like something a Project Runway contestant would get kicked off for.    

Alright well that's about all I've got...I'm going to go upstairs in my fancy gown (t-shirt, workout capris and slippers) and get ready for bed.  All that blogging and cake decorating last night still has me worn out. 

Oh Goof

If you're trying to guard the backdoor but the curtain is in the way, just rip it down and lay on it.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

New Jersey Episode 3

Alright, lets just jump right into this thing.  It's 11:30 and I have a lot to say.

So early on in the episode, we're getting updated on Lauren's diet, which irritates me to no end.  She says she's lost 5 pounds, and when she was shopping recently, she fit into two size 8's. 
Listen sister, no offense, but you're not a size 8.  I've been wearing a size 10 for the last 3 years.  I know a size 8 because I'm constantly trying them on in hopes of them fitting, and you aren't a size 8.  Look, don't get me wrong, I think Lauren is beautiful as she is.  I don't think she should feel any pressure to lose weight unless it's for her health.  It shouldn't be just so she can say she's a certain dress size.  That is crazy.  While Lauren and Caroline talk about Lauren's weight, she says "When I lose all this weight, I wanna be very rich."  Uh...What?  You size doesn't determine your wealth, honey.  Unless of course you're a supermodel.  But I'm pretty sure you can be a successful business woman and be bigger.  I just don't even understand what she meant by that.  She wants to be able to enjoy her wealth by being skinny and "pretty"?  She wants to have it all to rub it in people's faces?? I don't get it.  Caroline talks about how her sons are handsome and they've "got it all goin on".  "For some reason she thinks she is not worthy.  What she doesn't know is she has a spectacular personality.  She's got a great boyfriend.  She's got a belly.  So what?"  HOLY CRAP, CAROLINE.  How about instead of discounting her looks based simply on the size of her midsection, you acknowledge that beauty has nothing to do with the size you wear.  THIS IS WHY SHE HAS ISSUES.  She obviously struggles with her self-esteem, and you go straight to the default line for ugly girls--"she's got a great personality!"  Just once, be like every other mom and tell her she's perfect the way she is and you love her no matter what.  Maybe then she won't feel like she has to exist solely on a cleanse diet...

Okay, we cut to the rest of the cast at the Jersey shore, all together on a boat with their husbands.  Meanwhile, their kids (all 75 of them) are being watched by Rosie (my personal favorite).
Maybe it's just the power of suggestion with her name, but when I see Rosie, I assume she's an aggressive, croc-wearing lesbian.  I'll say this, whichever producer had the idea to have Rosie watch the kids while the cast members went on a little boat trip, that was genius. I could listen to her yell "I'll throw yous right into the lagoon, I swear to God!" on repeat.  Rosie, you're the absolute best.

We keep getting glimpses of the boat trip, where all the cast members are acting like they're the best of friends, despite most of them being totally over Teresa and Joe (aren't we all?).  While Jacqueline tipsily talks about Ashley, Melissa listens on, loving her new friend.  She says "I see a very sweet, humble girl in Jacqueline and I like that.  Because I'm the same way."  Look, Melissa, you're starting to grow on me, but I'm pretty sure you just disqualified yourself from half of that description.

Meanwhile, we go back to the Manzo family, who are all sitting around the kitchen table, watching Lauren and her boyfriend make dinner while they tease her about her weight.  Caroline says "Lauren's beautiful, but I'm not gonna lie and say she's perfect, she's not.  She's gotta lose weight."  I swear.  If they spend one more minute on Lauren's weight, I'm gonna blow a fuse.
...[they continue] [face gets red] [steam comes out of ears] [a train whistle goes off as my head erupts]
ENOUGH WITH THE JOKES ABOUT LAUREN'S WEIGHT, MANZO FAMILY.  This has already  happened once on tv; the show was called Growing Pains and the family made fun of Carol so much about her weight that the actress (Tracey Gold shoutout!) developed an eating disorder.  Years later she got a DUI while DRIVING HER CHILDREN AROUND.  Those jokes will stick with you and they will mess your brain up.  Fat jokes?  NOT FUNNY, MANZOS.
So, okay, if we're going to go down this read of comparing Lauren to her "skinny, perfect" brothers, let's just lay it all out.  Chris has gotten a little chubby.  Maybe he's just retaining water, I don't know and I WON'T JUDGE.  But if I were him, I'd watch the fat jokes he makes to his sister.

Alright, now it's time to get to the heart of the episode--the Solstice party.  Honestly, I'm still a bit cloudy on the purpose/theme of this party.  It was an all-white/Indian/Solstice/fairy party.  I really don't understand how any of those relate to the others.  I get what they're saying about the third eye "opening powers" and that's why they have to wear those things on their foreheads, but come on.  I don't think a bedazzled sticker is going to do much for you.  I'm starting to think this whole party was orchestrated for the now defunct HGTV show of Dina Manzo. 
Maybe it was her pilot episode and after all this crap went down the producers were like "uhhhh thanks but no thanks.  We really just like decorating stuff.  We'll just stick with Suzanne Whang, thankyouverymuch."

Can someone please explain to me when the perpetually-drunk Kim returned to the show?  She came with Teresa to the Solstice party, but I didn't realize she was friends with any of these people still.  Honestly, I thought she was dead from cirrhosis of the liver. 

The party is plugging along relatively smoothly until Jacqueline gets Melissa and Teresa together, in hopes of them talking through the cheating comment Teresa made to her brother about Melissa.  I have to say, I'm 100% with Melissa on Teresa storming off.  If she freaked out that bad because Melissa used the phrase "went to jail" versus "went away", she is in an unbelievable amount of denial.  It'd be sad if it weren't so crazy.

When Jacqueline tries to stop Teresa from leaving and again suggests getting her and Melissa together so they can talk through things, Teresa gets frustrated about Jacqueline trying to play peacekeeper and says "She stayed friends with Danielle even though Caroline and Dina didn't like it.  That's so wishy-washy."  Sorry Teresa, but that's actually the opposite of wishy-washy.  That's being a loyal friend.  KIND OF a good quality in a person.

So as Teresa is justifying the comment she made to her brother about Melissa having a career, even though she's a mother, and how she's gonna be out working and she's going to meet a richer man, I was LOSING MY MIND.  I was like, seriously, how is that any different than Teresa constantly being gone for her book tour/signings, but then Melissa makes that exact point.  THANK YOU MELISSA, FOR BEING TOTALLY LOGICAL AND THINKING QUICKLY.  She's basically just saying that because Melissa is attempting to create a career, she's going to find another man and get with him?  That takes a loooooooot of paranoia to get to that kind of thinking, I think.
Naturally, Teresa has no response and for some reason brings up how Melissa drops off presents for Teresa's kids at their school rather than in person.  To which Melissa replies that at least she buys presents, since Teresa got nothing for her nephew's 1st birthday party that just passed.  Teresa decides to accuse Melissa of being materialistic because she's always talking about gifts and presents.  This is when I realized that obviously Teresa has no memory, since she very clearly brought it up.  So we're getting a little insight into Teresa's problem, which is that she must have early onset dementia. 

When Melissa tells Teresa how hurt Joe was by her comment about how Melissa would leave him, Teresa's reaction kind of terrified me.  Rather than feeling any sort of remorse, guilt, or even just basic sympathy for his pain, she scoffs at the thought of him crying and blames it on the state of Melissa and Joe's marriage that he's got such low confidence that he would cry.  Okay.  That's beyond crappy.  If one of my siblings told me Jacob would leave me for a prettier girl, I would absolutely cry, and it would have nothing to do with the condition of my marriage.  That's just so mean.  And the fact that she didn't assume any guilt for causing her brother to cry is...I think that's one of the things they characterize sociopaths on, right?  If I ever made my brother cry--NO--if I ever FOUND OUT my brother had cried about ANYTHING, it would break my heart. 

I have to say, I was EXTREMELY impressed with how Melissa carried herself in this argument.  I thought she brought up lots of valid points.  I thought she countered everything Teresa said with a totally logical comment, and she made Teresa look completely stupid because she could never really justify her actions.  I did literally LOL when Teresa said "Obviously you only see your way, you don't see the other way!"  HOLY CRAP.  POT MEET KETTLE.

Having watched that whole fight go down and the fact that Kim was still on Teresa's side is mind-boggling to me.  She is a crazy enabler.  When Teresa complains that Melissa demanded an apology for telling Joe that she would leave him for a richer man, Kim rolls her eyes and is like "NO!  It wasn't supposed to get back to her."  
Yep, well, that sure makes it okay to insult someone's marriage to the core and create mistrust and animosity between a couple.  Freakin idiot.

Welp...that's pretty much where the episode ends.  I'm sure next week's episode will drive me crazy because Teresa will spin everything Melissa said into something terrible, even though all she really did was explain that they were both hurt by the accusation and insinuation of her cheating.  Even though it will drive me crazy, though, I'm sure I'll still take pages of notes...I can't help but love this show.

Ultrasound and Cakes

Okay quick update before I do my Jersey Recap.  Today was the ultrasound on the lumps I have in my chest.  It went fine.  As fine as can be when you you're laying topless on a table for half an hour and someone is spreading goo on your chest.  It's just such an uncomfortable and awkward experience.  I'm glad it's over with, that's for sure.  Anyways, I don't know anything about the lumps yet.  The ultrasound tech doesn't give you any feedback, so I have to wait for my doctor to call me, hopefully tomorrow or Thursday. 

So I just finished decorating my cakes for the cake contest at work tomorrow.  Yes it is 11:15 pm.  Yes, I still have another blog post to do...Anyways, we're doing this contest at work tomorrow.  There are three categories, Best Theme Decorated, People's Choice, and Most Unexpected.  I can't tell you how badly I want to win that Most Unexpected.  I want it more than I could possibly say.  So here's what I did.  I did one cake for my own amusement, and one that I think people will like.
We're in our centennial year this year, so it's a centennial cake contest, so for this first cake, I just tried to do a Scrabble board with lots of buzzwords about the hospital.
 It's not the best, but it's the best I could do without giving myself carpal tunnel and taking 17 years off of my eyes.
This next my pride and joy.  This is where I want "Most Unexpected."  I know I won't win because no one has the same sense of humor as me, and no one really cares about pop culture like I do, but everytime I see this one I laugh.
I know I'm biased, but honestly, I'd vote for this 10 out of 10 times in a "Most Unexpected" category.  I'm just saying right now, if I lose, we know even more than we did before that this town sucks.  Obviously the effort isn't really in this one with the decorating, but I promise you there is heart and soul in this cake.  And a heck of a lot of sass from Sophia.

Okay, it's time for me to write this New Jersey wrap up.  Also, tomorrow, I'm thinking I might do a quick favorites list from the Met Gala last night.  I LOVE Met Gala time because it's fancy dresses and ridiculous fashion, so be on the lookout for that. 

Guarding the Deck

Sometimes it's just easier to guard your backyard from your doggie bed.

Monday, May 7, 2012

No Jersey Recap

Code Red: I am in a MOOD. If you've ever heard me talk about cooking or baking, you know I hate it with a passion. Well, tonight I spent 3 hours in the kitchen making these stupid cakes for a cake contest we're having at work this week. Even though I kept both in the oven for like twelve minutes longer than I was supposed to, I'm pretty sure they're just mushy pudding cakes in the pan right now. Total waste of time. I just don't get why I suck so bad at anything kitchen related. Boil a pot of water? Whoops, I wasn't looking and the pot boiled over the top and ruined the cooktop. Make a package of Jello? My bad-I didn't stir it well enough and now it has a crunchy layer on it. Heat up this store-bought pasta sauce on the stove to serve with dinner? Oopsie, I had the heat up too high and it bubbled and splashed on the cabinets and stained them. Honestly, I'm the worst at making anything. And that sucks. Earlier, while cracking the eggs for the cakes, one just cracked over the counter and the whole thing just spread across the counter. I picked as much up as I could and scooped it into a box of trash on the counter so I didn't drop any on the floor en route to the trash can. I was foiled when I realized that the egg leaked completely brought the flimsy cake box, so I had to clean up the egg mess twice. That would only happen to me or Amelia Bedelia. And it's not funny or charming when I do it.

Tomorrow night might be even more miserable, since I'll have to decorate the cakes for work. Considering I have no skill and/or experience with that, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my patience with that really quickly. Don't be surprised if I report back tomorrow night that I've punted both cakes off of my deck in frustration.

To top off the evening, when I realized how many dishes were piled up on the counter, I felt steam coming out of my ears. After FIFTY SOLID MINUTES of hand washing the dishes, I showered and here I am. Irritated and hungry and tired. Is it to much to ask to have a night where I'm not standing on my feet for at least two straight hours in the kitchen? Because I can't even tell you how miserable that makes me. It's a frustration so intense that the only way I can channel it is by sobbing. Which I did. Over the sink. Onto my stack of dirty dishes. I continued the sobbing in the shower. Raise your hand if you wish you lived with me.

With all this kitchen bullcrap, I haven't had the chance to watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey yet. So obviously that post will have to wait till tomorrow. Basically I'm going to bed now, a bucket of sunshine, and hoping I wake up in a better mood. Because if I don't... Oy.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Home Improvements

YOU GUYS!  I just realized it's Sunday, which means it's New Jersey night!  Holy crap, there's no way I'll get that post done tonight.  That'll have to wait until tomorrow.  I'm already swamped with stuff to do and I haven't even watched the episode yet.  Okay this is just going to be a really quick post because, like I said, I have a crap ton to do tonight before I go to bed and I have to be up early to leave for the dentist BY 7:15 AM.  Gotta love emergency dentist trips.
Anyways, we'll see how that goes tomorrow.  I'm sure I'll have plenty to say about it.

In the meantime, Jacob and I have been busy all day doing weekend chores, which is one reason I have come to dislike weekends.  BUT, he did a great job getting stuff done, so I figured I'd let you guys see the finished projects.

We hung curtains in our living room.  It was the only window left with no window covering whatsoever, and I'm pretty sure our neighbor across the street (lovely though he may be) was watching us every time he went outside for a smoke break.  I"m saying that with basic certainty because I saw him doing it.  It's going to be nice to have a little privacy. 
I promise, the camera was crooked and not the curtain rod.  Try to ignore Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on my couch.  We keep the couch extra loaded with blankets for the boys.

Also, we finally put up the mirror we bought for our bathroom.  I'm glad to have it up, but it was also nice to never really have to look at myself in the mornings. 
All of this was done with the help of Andy, and Oscar, of course.  As you see, they were HUGE helpers.
Also, Jacob finished the deck up this weekend, and it looks awesome.  I never think to take pictures during the day, but I'll have to do that soon so you can see it.  He did a really really great job.

I can't remember if I ever put these on here, so I'll do it now.  This is one of the owls I bought at Hobby Lobby awhile back.  I seriously love these guys. 

I never got to tell you about my success at Herbergers the other night!  I ended up buying a new bra for $9, some maternity jeans for $34, and this Fossil necklace for $5.99.
While I was there, I spotted this Fossil watch that really only caught my eye because it was on clearance and I knew I could get it for a good deal.  I ended up not buying it when I went on Thursday night, but then could not get it out of my brain.  With some support from Dana, I left work on Friday and went immediately to Herbergers to buy the watch.  I do not regret the decision even a little bit. 
It's a little more bling than I would normally go for, but I actually really love it.
When I first saw it, I thought it looked like something that my (ALMOST!!!!) sister in law, Kayla would wear, which meant that I knew I loved it.  Besides, it was a $95 watch that I got for $45.  Love ya, Herbergers!!

Oh, one last thing.  Here's something awkward that happened when I went on Thursday to buy the necklace, jeans and bra.  While just browsing through the clothing racks, I spotted one rack that had a single pair of maternity jeans, and one pair of maternity capris.  I thought it was weird since I'd never seen maternity clothes there before, but I grabbed the jeans and tried them on.  They fit okay enough, so I decided I'd get them, but I wanted to see what the other maternity options were.  I went up to the closest worker and showed her my maternity jeans that I'd found on obviously the wrong rack, and could she show me where the other maternity clothes were.  She looked at me like I'd just asked if I could cut set the store on fire and informed me that they did not carry maternity clothes.  Well that's funny, seeing as how I found these in your store and they rung up on your price check scanners.  Seems like one of us must be wrong...After an awkward conversation and extreme disbelief on her part, I walked away very confused.  I'm not sure why she felt I was so untrustworthy.  I was trying to BUY these jeans from them.  Why are you acting like I'm being so sneaky???  So anyways, I bought the jeans, which she wouldn't let me use my coupon on.  I'll say I wasn't happy and leave it at that.  Sometimes Herbergers finds ways to stick it back to me.  But overall, I'd say I'm still ahead.