New Jersey Episode 3

Alright, lets just jump right into this thing.  It's 11:30 and I have a lot to say.

So early on in the episode, we're getting updated on Lauren's diet, which irritates me to no end.  She says she's lost 5 pounds, and when she was shopping recently, she fit into two size 8's. 

Listen sister, no offense, but you're not a size 8.  I've been wearing a size 10 for the last 3 years.  I know a size 8 because I'm constantly trying them on in hopes of them fitting, and you aren't a size 8.  Look, don't get me wrong, I think Lauren is beautiful as she is.  I don't think she should feel any pressure to lose weight unless it's for her health.  It shouldn't be just so she can say she's a certain dress size.  That is crazy.  While Lauren and Caroline talk about Lauren's weight, she says "When I lose all this weight, I wanna be very rich."  Uh...What?  You size doesn't determine your wealth, honey.  Unless of course you're a supermodel.  But I'm pretty sure you can be a successful business woman and be bigger.  I just don't even understand what she meant by that.  She wants to be able to enjoy her wealth by being skinny and "pretty"?  She wants to have it all to rub it in people's faces?? I don't get it.  Caroline talks about how her sons are handsome and they've "got it all goin on".  "For some reason she thinks she is not worthy.  What she doesn't know is she has a spectacular personality.  She's got a great boyfriend.  She's got a belly.  So what?"  HOLY CRAP, CAROLINE.  How about instead of discounting her looks based simply on the size of her midsection, you acknowledge that beauty has nothing to do with the size you wear.  THIS IS WHY SHE HAS ISSUES.  She obviously struggles with her self-esteem, and you go straight to the default line for ugly girls--"she's got a great personality!"  Just once, be like every other mom and tell her she's perfect the way she is and you love her no matter what.  Maybe then she won't feel like she has to exist solely on a cleanse diet...

Okay, we cut to the rest of the cast at the Jersey shore, all together on a boat with their husbands.  Meanwhile, their kids (all 75 of them) are being watched by Rosie (my personal favorite).

Maybe it's just the power of suggestion with her name, but when I see Rosie, I assume she's an aggressive, croc-wearing lesbian.  I'll say this, whichever producer had the idea to have Rosie watch the kids while the cast members went on a little boat trip, that was genius. I could listen to her yell "I'll throw yous right into the lagoon, I swear to God!" on repeat.  Rosie, you're the absolute best.

We keep getting glimpses of the boat trip, where all the cast members are acting like they're the best of friends, despite most of them being totally over Teresa and Joe (aren't we all?).  While Jacqueline tipsily talks about Ashley, Melissa listens on, loving her new friend.  She says "I see a very sweet, humble girl in Jacqueline and I like that.  Because I'm the same way."  Look, Melissa, you're starting to grow on me, but I'm pretty sure you just disqualified yourself from half of that description.

Meanwhile, we go back to the Manzo family, who are all sitting around the kitchen table, watching Lauren and her boyfriend make dinner while they tease her about her weight.  Caroline says "Lauren's beautiful, but I'm not gonna lie and say she's perfect, she's not.  She's gotta lose weight."  I swear.  If they spend one more minute on Lauren's weight, I'm gonna blow a fuse.
...[they continue] [face gets red] [steam comes out of ears] [a train whistle goes off as my head erupts]
ENOUGH WITH THE JOKES ABOUT LAUREN'S WEIGHT, MANZO FAMILY.  This has already  happened once on tv; the show was called Growing Pains and the family made fun of Carol so much about her weight that the actress (Tracey Gold shoutout!) developed an eating disorder.  Years later she got a DUI while DRIVING HER CHILDREN AROUND.  Those jokes will stick with you and they will mess your brain up.  Fat jokes?  NOT FUNNY, MANZOS.
So, okay, if we're going to go down this read of comparing Lauren to her "skinny, perfect" brothers, let's just lay it all out.  Chris has gotten a little chubby.  Maybe he's just retaining water, I don't know and I WON'T JUDGE.  But if I were him, I'd watch the fat jokes he makes to his sister.

Alright, now it's time to get to the heart of the episode--the Solstice party.  Honestly, I'm still a bit cloudy on the purpose/theme of this party.  It was an all-white/Indian/Solstice/fairy party.  I really don't understand how any of those relate to the others.  I get what they're saying about the third eye "opening powers" and that's why they have to wear those things on their foreheads, but come on.  I don't think a bedazzled sticker is going to do much for you.  I'm starting to think this whole party was orchestrated for the now defunct HGTV show of Dina Manzo. 

Maybe it was her pilot episode and after all this crap went down the producers were like "uhhhh thanks but no thanks.  We really just like decorating stuff.  We'll just stick with Suzanne Whang, thankyouverymuch."

Can someone please explain to me when the perpetually-drunk Kim returned to the show?  She came with Teresa to the Solstice party, but I didn't realize she was friends with any of these people still.  Honestly, I thought she was dead from cirrhosis of the liver. 

The party is plugging along relatively smoothly until Jacqueline gets Melissa and Teresa together, in hopes of them talking through the cheating comment Teresa made to her brother about Melissa.  I have to say, I'm 100% with Melissa on Teresa storming off.  If she freaked out that bad because Melissa used the phrase "went to jail" versus "went away", she is in an unbelievable amount of denial.  It'd be sad if it weren't so crazy.

When Jacqueline tries to stop Teresa from leaving and again suggests getting her and Melissa together so they can talk through things, Teresa gets frustrated about Jacqueline trying to play peacekeeper and says "She stayed friends with Danielle even though Caroline and Dina didn't like it.  That's so wishy-washy."  Sorry Teresa, but that's actually the opposite of wishy-washy.  That's being a loyal friend.  KIND OF a good quality in a person.

So as Teresa is justifying the comment she made to her brother about Melissa having a career, even though she's a mother, and how she's gonna be out working and she's going to meet a richer man, I was LOSING MY MIND.  I was like, seriously, how is that any different than Teresa constantly being gone for her book tour/signings, but then Melissa makes that exact point.  THANK YOU MELISSA, FOR BEING TOTALLY LOGICAL AND THINKING QUICKLY.  She's basically just saying that because Melissa is attempting to create a career, she's going to find another man and get with him?  That takes a loooooooot of paranoia to get to that kind of thinking, I think.

Naturally, Teresa has no response and for some reason brings up how Melissa drops off presents for Teresa's kids at their school rather than in person.  To which Melissa replies that at least she buys presents, since Teresa got nothing for her nephew's 1st birthday party that just passed.  Teresa decides to accuse Melissa of being materialistic because she's always talking about gifts and presents.  This is when I realized that obviously Teresa has no memory, since she very clearly brought it up.  So we're getting a little insight into Teresa's problem, which is that she must have early onset dementia. 

When Melissa tells Teresa how hurt Joe was by her comment about how Melissa would leave him, Teresa's reaction kind of terrified me.  Rather than feeling any sort of remorse, guilt, or even just basic sympathy for his pain, she scoffs at the thought of him crying and blames it on the state of Melissa and Joe's marriage that he's got such low confidence that he would cry.  Okay.  That's beyond crappy.  If one of my siblings told me Jacob would leave me for a prettier girl, I would absolutely cry, and it would have nothing to do with the condition of my marriage.  That's just so mean.  And the fact that she didn't assume any guilt for causing her brother to cry is...I think that's one of the things they characterize sociopaths on, right?  If I ever made my brother cry--NO--if I ever FOUND OUT my brother had cried about ANYTHING, it would break my heart. 

I have to say, I was EXTREMELY impressed with how Melissa carried herself in this argument.  I thought she brought up lots of valid points.  I thought she countered everything Teresa said with a totally logical comment, and she made Teresa look completely stupid because she could never really justify her actions.  I did literally LOL when Teresa said "Obviously you only see your way, you don't see the other way!"  HOLY CRAP.  POT MEET KETTLE.

Having watched that whole fight go down and the fact that Kim was still on Teresa's side is mind-boggling to me.  She is a crazy enabler.  When Teresa complains that Melissa demanded an apology for telling Joe that she would leave him for a richer man, Kim rolls her eyes and is like "NO!  It wasn't supposed to get back to her."  

Yep, well, that sure makes it okay to insult someone's marriage to the core and create mistrust and animosity between a couple.  Freakin idiot.

Welp...that's pretty much where the episode ends.  I'm sure next week's episode will drive me crazy because Teresa will spin everything Melissa said into something terrible, even though all she really did was explain that they were both hurt by the accusation and insinuation of her cheating.  Even though it will drive me crazy, though, I'm sure I'll still take pages of notes...I can't help but love this show.