Tuesday, September 11, 2012

On My List: The Bed Bath & Beyond Edition

Okay so here's thing.  I'm pretty irritable these days, there's no doubt about that, and I'd never deny it.  So today when I strolled into Bed Bath & Beyond looking for a present for a wedding we're going to this weekend, I knew there was a possibility I might hate everyone else in the store.  It's just how I am these days.  EVERYONE IS ANNOYING.

After waiting awhile to get the registry printed off, I looked through the registry to figure out what to get the couple.  I was a little overwhelmed because their list was so long, but I figured I'd just go to the kitchen stuff and start there.  They had a few pages worth of kitchen stuff, so I figured I was bound to find plenty of things to get them.  UNFORTUNATELY Bed Bath & Beyond is the absolute worst because I seriously couldn't find anything in the kitchen section that they had registered for.  Cookie sheets?  Yeah, that's a good starting point, lemme find those.  NOPE they don't have them.  Fluted cake pan?  Sure, that's a nice gift, let's just see...NOPE not there.  Spoon rest?  Yeah, I use mine all the time and kinda wish I had a second.  NOPE.  Definitely not worth carrying.  WHAT THE HECK, BBB????  So irritating.  I literally just had to grab ANY presents I could find in the kitchen section that they actually had in the store.  So their present from us (hopefully you're not reading this Cannon or Melinda!) is four cutting boards, a couple of spatulas/flippers, and an apple cutter.  And I really wanted to get them one more thing, but after looking for 30 (I counted) more items and finding ZERO, I figured it was just time to get the heck out of there.  I have never in my life had such a hard time buying a registry gift.

After I finished checking out, I asked the cashier if they would gift wrap it for me.  She said, "yes, you can go right over there to the cleaning section."  Okay, finally, something easy so I can get on to my next errand.  AND THEN I REALIZED WHERE SHE SENT ME.  I saw a table that said "Complimentary Gift-Wrapping!  Do it Yourself!"
Are you serious with this garbage?  I've literally spent AN HOUR in your poorly stocked and terribly marked store with ZERO help from employees.  Now you've taken away a service you've been doing for years so that your employees can continue on in their discussions amongst themselves about their lunch break?!  Not cool.  BUT, I was pretty certain I didn't have any wedding wrapping paper and I didn't want to start rumors within the church by wrapping their presents in a bag that says "It's a Girl!!" so I slunk off to the self-wrapping station.  As I tried to figure out which box I'd need--which is a harder task than you think, since the boxes are all flat and you have to put them together to see if they'll work--I noticed that one of the cashiers was watching me.  I tried to shame him away by looking directly at him, but he was undeterred.  He continued staring at me with an intensity that was honestly making me nauseous.  Look people, I've watched enough Law & Order: SVU to know what a sexual predator looks like and this guy was one.  I kept hoping for someone to come to his line to busy him, but unfortunately he continued staring at me.  The discomfort and general uneasiness lessened as anger took over while I tried to figure out which box size I needed.  The boxes were kept under the table, which may be a wonderful storage solution, but it is NOT THE GREATEST when you're nine months pregnant and bending down and over to pick something up makes you feel like you won't make it back up.   After several minutes and assemblies of varying box sizes, I found the right one, and then realized that I had tried all the boxes, so I had no clue which size box had worked.  So I'd have to go through the whole mess again to put the top of the box together.  I went through the whole drill again, trying to fit the different boxes on the bottom of the already assembled box, when the manager came over and said "oh, you just use the same size for the top that you used for the bottom and they'll fit together."
Lemme tell you something, toots.  The minute your store decided they no longer could spare the manpower to wrap my present, you lost the authority to give me any advice on said present wrapping.  I mean, does she think I've spent my whole life in a cave?  Hmmm...equal sized boxes to wrap a present.  Interesting idea.  I was just going to fill this box with some tissue paper to make it look fancy, but I guess closing it is one way to go.  So this 10 square inch box bottom WON'T work with this 8 inch long rectangular lid?  Why is that?   Will you please explain how shapes work?  Because I'm stupid.  Meanwhile, Leering Larry is still staring at me, and I'm so grossed out by him but angered at his manager, that I just grabbed the scissors from the wrapping table and turned to him to give him the most menacing look I could come up with.  Didn't seem to phase him from the staring, but I guess he didn't realize that was me threatening him.  Now the pervert and the manager have angered me even more because I'm like, okay, simple solution--if I'm such an idiot, she should have this creep come wrap the present for me since he's OBVIOUSLY not doing any work, and then he can be put to use and stop freakin me out.  Two birds, one stone.  That didn't happen of course, so I continued on with the wrapping.  I figured out which lid to use, folded it up and spent about 4 minutes trying to jimmy the lid onto the bottom.
I can't explain to you how much physical harm I could've done to the next person that irritated me at that point.  Once the box was finally together, and I was figuring out how much wrapping paper I needed, some girl walks up to me, watches me wrapping the present and says "Oh wow!  We can do that!  How great!!"
If she had stood there any longer I may have stabbed her with my scissors.  That kind of positivity is not welcome here, sister!  All in all, it took me about 15 minutes to fight the battle with the self-wrapping station.  Today, Bed Bath & Beyond took about $50, 80% of my sanity, all of my patience and an hour and a half from me.  Also, if something terrible is to happen to me in the next few days, please contact the BBB at Willowbrook and inquire about a man who looks like an overweight Vizzini and likely has a record of sexual misconduct.
I'm pretty sure he'll be the culprit.


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