Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Housewives Get Boring

Let's  all just agree that this week's episode of Jersey was pretty boring.  I guess the Bravo people were like "ehhhh last week was good enough.  Let's just give them stuff that we were gonna cut."  So yeah, I don't really have that much to say about this week's episode.

Why are all of Teresa's kids sleeping in the same bed?  They've got a pretty huge house.  Seems like they could spread out a bit.  In case anyone ever wants to know what my daughter will dress like, it's the exact opposite of how Teresa is dressing her daughters.

Melissa missing the bus is kind of classic.  Here's the thing with Antonia's first bus experience, at least SHE was able to stay with her parents.  Quick (okay more like long) anecdote:  When I was in Kindergarten, at the end of the first day we all got lined up for our buses and the tag my teacher put on me had the wrong address.  So I'm riding around with the rest of the other kids, not really thinking about much until I realize that there are only a few kids left and I don't recognize the street we're on.  Once the other kids got dropped off, it was just me.  Now, I've always been a pretty emotional person, but you put a 5 year old on a bus with a stranger on her first day at a new school and it's pretty awful.  The bus driver took me by the address that was on my tag, which of course wasn't right, and then just drove up and down every single street.  Being the melodramatic child I was, I planted my face against the window and wept.  I couldn't even see out the window to look for my house because I had fogged it up so much.  I was pretty certain I'd never see my family again, and everytime the bus driver asked for more information or clarification on my street, I just shrugged.  I mean, I was FIVE.  I'm functionally retarded NOW when it comes to directions.  There's no way I had a prayer of knowing where I was in a neighborhood we'd JUST moved into at five years old.  So we just drove all over Cypresswood, trying to find my house.  Finally we stumbled onto a street that looked familiar and I got up and ran to the doors, pressing my face into the glass.  Certainly not something the bus driver would normally allow while the bus was in motion, but we were both so distraught and emotional, I think she would've let ME drive if she thought that meant finding my home.  Thankfully I spotted my house, with my extremely worried mother standing outside.  We both jumped for joy at the sight of each other, and the neighbors probably thought I was some POW coming home after a long imprisonment with our reactions, but it was AWFUL.  Since then, my mom's told me that I was over an hour late being dropped off, and though she called the school multiple times, they didn't know where I was or what to tell her.  I can't imagine how scary that would've been for her.  Also, since I only went to half-day Kindergarten, I was WAY late on my lunch, so I'm pretty sure my mom took me to Taco Bell.  Which was like, the ultimate treat for me.  Little known fact; Taco Bell is a part of many of my scary childhood memories.  When I got pneumonia and had to come home from school, my sister Ashley picked me up because they couldn't reach my mom.  So even though I felt like I was dying, I thought I was pretty much a hot shot for being home alone with her while she watched soap operas.  She had gone to Taco Bell for lunch and let me have some of her food--it was my first time trying soft tacos.  True story.  And then another time TB factored into a somewhat traumatizing memory was when I broke my arm.  I had been so good at the doctor's office getting my cast on (they didn't have pink like my mom had PROMISED ME I could get) that my mom took me to Taco Bell and I got 3 crunchy tacos.  I remember taking the first bite and being like "yep.  Totally worth it."  For being integral in some of my scarier memories, I can't say it's tainted my feelings for Taco Bell.  POINT OF THE STORY BEING, Antonia was lucky that her first bus experience was just watching it drive by with her parents, knowing her mom would just have to drive her to school.  She's lucky she didn't get stuck on it, marooned in an unfamiliar neighborhood, certain she'd be lost forever.  BECAUSE THAT STICKS WITH YOU.  Also, here's hoping she never throws up on a school bus....that also scars you for life.  But that's a whole different story...

Back to Jersey--
Teresa and Joe talking about the trip.  Ehhh whatever, I'm over them and I'm certainly sick of him.  He's like some primate that has somehow learned words but doesn't know how to use them.  Just because you're speaking doesn't mean you're saying anything, Joe.  I love that his comment about Caroline is "Whatever Caroline, go dye your hair."  Uhhh okay?  I guess he's insulting her??  Does he realize how many women dye their hair???  It's not like she's trying to hide her age.  She did just have a 50th birthday party....

I just don't get why Teresa puts up with Joe making fun of Kathy's appearance.  If Jacob said ONE word mocking any of my family's looks, it'd be lights out.  NOT OKAY GUY.  Sure, Joe, Kathy has big eyes, but she's a pretty lady.  Teresa, on the other hand, looks like a Muppet/primate.

Victoria, I don't recommend University of Maryland.  Also, this tour is making me very uncomfortable.  Rich is probably the most annoying person these girls have ever given a tour to.  Also, poor Kathy.  Poor EVERYONE in her family who seems shocked at this dorm.  IT'S A DORM.  None of them are nice, none of them are big.  I love that Kathy is like "I think this will be the deciding factor on whether she goes away or not."  You can't be serious. 

Oh boy.  Kathy's family goes to DC.  Seems like they could be botching a lot of history here, going through the monuments and memorials.

I'd like to amend my earlier statement.  If you want to know how I'll be dressing my daughter, it's the exact opposite of how Teresa AND Melissa dress their daughters.  Also, I will not encourage them to pretend like they're models on a runway. 
Because the last thing I need is to have my daughter freebasing fun dip or snorting pixie sticks all for the sake of practicing to be a model.  NO THANK YOU.  Also, there's just something about Teresa's little girls on stage that's a bit...sexual to me.  Like, she's prepping them to use their bodies to make money.
May not want to go down that road, Tre.

Joe Guidice at the launch party on the step and repeat--he's already super drunk, right?  Thank goodness he's not legally allowed to drive.  Teresa didn't invite Jacqueline to the Fabullini (ugh) launch party!??!  I thought they made up?  I'm so confused.  Teresa, you're the worst.  Oh wait, she's giving a perfectly rational explanation.  "I decided not to invite her because she hurted me.  For no reason.  I definitely don't hold grudges, but it'll just never be the same...This is the thing:  you can't stab somebody and then try to bring them back to life.  It's too late then.  The person's dead!"  That makes total sense.  And DEFINITELY sounds like someone who doesn't hold a grudge.

Okay you have to watch carefully, but at one point during the launch party, they cut to this crazy lady with spiky hair dancing by a piano, and I SWEAR I thought it was Liza Minnelli.  LUCILLE TWO IN THE HOUSE, Y'ALL!

The return of Dina is not nearly as graceful as she'd probably like, since she wipes out on the carpet like three seconds after showing up to the launch party.
 And who is this guy with Dina, rubbing her swollen ankle?  That's not her husband, right?  I'm like 99% sure it isn't.

I am SO uncomfortable with this radio show of Caroline's.  It's so awkward.  Eeks.  So much silence.  Why is no one in her family piping in and talking to fill the silence?!?!  I'm sure they're just editing out Caroline's full responses to these phone calls, but it seems like she does a terrible job of answering these questions.  She gives super short and vague responses and then gets rid of the caller.  Caroline, you might want to elaborate, friend.  You really need to fill the time.  Wouldn't it be great if someone crazy called in.  LIKE DANIELLE?!?!  PRODUCERS:  MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

Dina's not really coming across that great in this episode.  I still don't really see why she and Caroline are fighting and it's BOTHERING ME that she won't just turn to the camera and just lay it out for the viewers.  Dina, sweetie, make yourself worthwhile and spill the beans while you're obviously drunk on bellinis. 

HOLY SMOKES NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE LOOKS AMAZING.  Posh fashion show AND some d-bag confronting Melissa about working at a strip club??!?!?!  Might have to watch that bad boy live.

No comments:

Post a Comment