Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dance Moms Season Finale

It's already time for the season finale of Dance Moms?  Geez Louise guys, I was just getting into this season!

Is it just me, or does Abby begin every week by saying they're competing for nationals?  Honestly, If they're traveling across the nation every week for competitions, wouldn't they all technically be "nationals"?  She always makes it seem like every trip is the BIGGEST competition they've ever been to.  She's like the boy who cried wolf about the importance of these competitions.

DOES BROOKE HAVE A HICKEY?!?!?!?!  Or has she just had a tracheotomy?
 Maybe she's recently been shot?  I don't know, but they really need to address this.

The diary of Anne Frank?!  THAT'S A DANCE????  Really, honest question, how do you dance about being a poor Jewish girl, trapped in an attic, hiding from Nazis who ultimately gets killed IN GOOD TASTE? 
And how does contorting her body like she's on The Exorcist convey Anne Frank?

What is Abby's deal lately with the disturbing group dances?  I just don't see how pretending to give another girl CPR is artistic and beautiful.  I love that the girls are all running to their moms, freaking out about how weird this dance is.  Thank heavens these girls have some sense of normalcy left.

I totally forgot that all these moms have husbands and other children.  How is that possible?  Those other kids must be completely deprived of attention.

Look, I don't want to be weird or anything, but the next time I get my hair cut, I'll probably go in with a picture of Paige.  The kid has great hair.  Also, if I ever start dying my hair, I'll take Brooke's picture.  It's normal to want to look like a 14 year old, right?

Kelly saying she can't take it anymore, AGAIN, boy who cried wolf.  I think they just insert that sound bite into every single episode.  And when Abby says Paige needs to be seen by a pediatrician, basically saying she's stupid, and Kelly's like "I have to draw the line somewhere!" that irritates me, because you know she's going to keep taking Paige to Abby.  Such an empty threat.  Yeah, the dance teacher is insulting my daughter's intelligence right in front of her and making me travel across the country for nothing,  Whatevs.  I just don't get how these moms get SO worked up and just want to quit and Abby makes the girls feel like total crap but they keep coming back to her.  What are they getting out of it?

Will someone please explain to me what this photo shoot is for that Paige is doing?  I'd like to believe that it's not just for the photographer's personal collection, doesn't seem like there's any purpose to these pictures.

Whoa, Kendall with some attitude towards Chloe!  That's pretty out of character.  Not necessarily the bad mouthing as much as just her talking, which she never does.

I know Cathy puts on a big show for the cameras, but she isn't actually this annoying and immature in real life, is she?  Chanting "Clean Chloe's Clock" might be the dumbest thing I've ever seen.  BUT I can't complain about her camera time because that means VIVI!  And can someone please explain who this guy is with Cathy? PLEASE tell me he's the dad of one of these dancers.  Happily married to a woman, not an ounce of gay in him, I'm sure.

Okay, Justice's mom is a stripper, right?  We can all agree on that.

Uh oh...drama between Cathy and one of her moms!  I love that Cathy's star student, Justice, has his mom calling Abby to get into her studio.  I also love how embarrassed Cathy is about this whole thing.  Maybe you shouldn't constantly start fights and try to bring up stuff you don't have knowledge of, Cath.  That's really hilarious.  Why did the moms encourage Cathy to confront Abby if Justice's mom was just going to basically admit to what Abby was accusing her of?

Here's how you know Cathy is not a normal person and has no shame.  Just the day before, she was humiliated to find out that her star student's mom had, in fact, contacted Abby's studio like Abby claimed.  And here she is, way overconfident, standing outside Abby's door, cheering and clapping.  Yeah, she's setting herself up for more embarrassment, I have a feeling.

WHY IS JUSTICE COVERED IN PAINT TO LOOK LIKE HE'S BLEEDING TO DEATH?  If he's doing some sort of interpretive dance about Lord of the Flies, I'm going to lose it.  I'm just hoping he's pretending to be a feral child.

I know it's normal to make these girls wear a ton of makeup when they perform, but FOR THE LOVE, Christi, please pick another color lipstick for Chloe because that shade of purple is embarrassing the Latinas from 1998.

I must've not been paying attention to Brooke's solo.  I missed the part at the end where the Nazis capture her and her family and they die a gruesome death.  She conveyed that, right?

You know, I don't know much about dancing, but it does seem like Brooke and Mackenzie are pretty good and are pretty impressive during their solos.  But it's pretty clear that not everyone was as impressed.

Aren't the Candy Apples girls kind of embarrassed that they're like 16 but they compete against Abby's group of girls who are like 12? 

Paige makes a great frozen statue in this dance.
But really, this dance is weird.  Although I could watch Maddie walk like a zombie all day long.

YOU GUYS!  Mackenzie, Brooke, and Chloe all won first place for their solos in each of their divisions!
Yay!  So proud of Chloe!

Dang, ALDC cleaned up in this competition.  They won like...everything.  That's pretty dang good.

These women are so emotional about the possibility of Kelly not bringing her girls back next year.  First of all, you guys, she says she's done like every single week.  I wouldn't get all worked up about this.  I mean, all these women spend so much time together, I'm guessing their cycles have just synced up and they're just crazy PMSing because Kelly is all talk when it comes to leaving ALDC.  Second of all, the girls JUST finished their last dance.  Is this really the best time to be talking about leaving?  Way to be a buzzkill, Kelly.

BREAKING NEWS:  THERE'S GOING TO BE A DANCE MOMS REUNION NEXT WEEK.  I'm going to watch that so hard my eyeballs might bleed.  FINALLY things are working out for me.


  1. How badly does that reunion need some Andy Cohen facial expressions????

  2. Holy cow, yeah it does. I'm already certain I'll hate the budget Andy Cohen they picked to host this thing. You know he won't be able to hold his own against these crazies.