Car Accident and Other Happenings

This afternoon I have my first doctors appointment since my car mess last week.  Thankfully I only have to go to the office at Willowbrook, which is significantly closer than the office in the Medical Center.  Not to mention I think he sees like 5 patients a day at this office, so I'm always the only one in the waiting room.  Anyways, I'm really hoping for some progress when he measures my cervix today.  Not necessarily because I'm ready for her to get here, but because I feel like I've been waddling way worse lately, and I'd like to tell myself it's because she's really bearing down on me.  Unfortunately I think it's just from all the weight I've gained....

Okay so here's what happened last week with the car.  So last week I had an ultrasound appointment followed by a doctors appointment.  The ultrasound was scheduled for 9:30, and even though I've never been called back on time at that office, I was rushing to get there in plenty of time.  I had set my alarm for 7:20, so I had plenty of time to eat breakfast, get ready and let the boys out without feeling rushed before I needed to leave at 8:15.  Naturally, on the one day I need to be up at a particular time, I silenced my alarm and woke up at 7:55.  I downed a bowl of cereal and got ready, spending the majority of the time trying to figure out what to wear.  I think I've outgrown most of my maternity clothes...By the time I got out the door, it was just about 8:20, and I was kind of frantic, even though I was only running five minutes late.  Jacob called me to warn me that traffic was really bad on 45 because of a wreck, and told me I needed to take the Hardy Toll Road if I was going to make it on time.  I've never driven that way, so I called him every few miles to see which exits and turns I needed to be making.  At one point, as I was getting on the Hardy, Jacob commented that 59 (the highway I was headed towards) was now backed up due to a wreck.  He said that every major highway was bad because there were wrecks all over town.  I even remember saying to him "That's weird.  I wonder why some days there are just wrecks on like every single road.  I guess when you have this many people congested on so many highways it's just bound to happen..."  FORESHADOW MUCH?!  Geez Louise. 

So Jacob had told me what exit sign to watch for: 59 via 610 East.  I spotted the sign while on the phone with him, and got into the far right lane, which was designated for that exit.  I still had 2 miles, according to the sign, but I like to be prepared.  I get that from my mom.  That and my OCD.  So another sign comes up in a mile, again, 59 via 610 E, pointing at my lane.  Cool.  Here's the thing--lemme back up just a minute.  Jacob can tell you, since he's normally on the phone with me when this happens, I am not capable of driving somewhere for the first time without getting lost.  It's something I truly hate about myself because it drives me bananas.  It's like, I can have written directions and be on the phone with Jacob, telling me where to go, but if I haven't done it before, I'm guaranteed to make AT LEAST one wrong turn.  I hate it.  So anyways, back to last Thursday.  So I see the sign for my exit and I'm in the correct lane, and I knew I could figure it out once I got on 59, so I was really pleased with myself for FINALLY going a new way without getting lost.  I could feel the pride swelling in me.  Turns out that was either premature pride or just heartburn, because next thing you know, I'm on the exit ramp and there are two lanes with a concrete barrier between them.  One lane is marked "HARDY ST" and the other "610 W".  WHAT HAPPENED TO 59 VIA 610 E?????  Naturally, like an good driver, I panicked, reading the signs to Jacob, screaming "WHAT DO I DO?!?!?", knowing he wouldn't have enough time to answer, since the concrete barrier was like 100 ft away.  I made the decision to take the 610 W exit, hoping that it was just badly marked, and it would just take me to 610 and give me the option of east or west.  It didn't, and next thing I know, I'm on 610 going West, stuck in crazy traffic.  I saw a sign for 45, so I figured I might as well take that through downtown, even though that's the very spot Jacob had me get on the Hardy to avoid.  But at that point, I could tell I was going to be late, thanks to the traffic and me leaving five minutes late, so I just gave up, and started looking to get over to the exit for 45.  Between where I got on 610 and where I needed to get over to 45, there's only about a mile, so I immediately started looking to see if I could get over.  At this point on 610, I think there are 6 lanes?  I was in one of the center lanes, so I was basically just watching my rear view and side mirrors to see if I could get over.  Unfortunately everyone else on 610 was trying to do the same, since we were coming up on a huge interchange, so there was nowhere for me to go.  There was a semi in the lane to the left of me (the lane I was looking to get into), and he was slowing down, but way too close for me to fit in front of him.  As I watched, I realized he was turning towards me, creeping into my lane.  I tried to pull forward, but it was too congested to go anywhere, so I just watched as the semi ignored my honking and screaming (you'd think he could hear me shouting WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!) and pulled right into the back side of my car.  I'm pretty level-headed, so my immediate reaction was most likely a string of expletives, followed by complete panic.  "WHAT DO I DO?!  HOW DID HE HIT ME?!  I HONKED!!"  Keep in mind I've been on the phone with Jacob since exiting from the Hardy, so he's hearing everything.  I tried to hit the gas, just to get out of the way since we were in the center lanes of 610 RIGHT before a huge interchange.  But when I tried to put my foot on the gas, my car just shook and veered a bit sideways.  Not what you want.  Now at this point, it's only been about 15 seconds, and I can already hear the horns and see the cars backing up behind us and trying to go around us.  I hung up with Jacob as the semi driver came up to my window.  Bless his heart, really.  He already looked like he felt REALLY bad.  Then he saw how hard I was crying and felt terrible.  Then I got out of the car.  I think his eyeballs nearly fell out when he saw my giant belly.  I'm surprised he didn't barf on 610.  It looked like he wanted to.  We talked for a second and I told him I was going to call the cops.  I got back in my car, called 911 and waited for the police to show up.  In the meantime, I was panicking about my doctors appointment.  Do I reschedule?  Do I cancel?  What if they make me come in later, what do I do about the dogs?  That's way too long for them to be up.  After waiting on hold with the ultrasound imaging center for about 7 minutes, I gave up, called my sister, gave her the number and asked her to take care of it.  Thank goodness for Mandy because she was able to talk to them and to the nurse who said I needed to come in when everything was taken care of, so they could check me out and make sure I was okay.  At some point I must've called Jacob back because I remember talking to him briefly.  He said he was coming up there and that he was leaving the office to come to me, and I was like "Jacob.  I'm in the middle of 610.  I don't know where you're going to go!"  he asked for specifics on where I was, and I was like "uhhhh don't worry.  You'll see us.  We're the ones causing the massive backup because we're blocking two lanes."  At this point it's been well over ten minutes and STILL NO COPS.  So I'm just sitting in my car, doing everything I can to not give the finger to everyone who goes around me, giving me a dirty look or honking at me.  I mean, come on, people. YES, traffic sucks.  And being late because of accidents is SUPER frustrating.  But you just saw me standing by my car.  I'm a giant pregnant lady who's LITERALLY got a semi stuck to her car.  Do you think this was my plan for the day?  Do you think I did this to foil you?  You really think your day is worse than mine at this point.  I DON'T THINK SO.  Finally the cop shows up and I get out of the car to figure out what to do.  He tries to have me pull forward so we can clear the freeway.  Oh, so I shouldn't have just been sitting here, blocking two lanes of traffic on one of Houston's busiest highways during rush hour for the last 15 minutes?

I tried to tell the cop that I had already tried to move forward and couldn't, but he had me try again.  Again my car just vibrated and turned slightly sideways, so he told me to stop.  He had the semi driver get in his truck and put it in reverse.  I still don't know how he was able to back that truck up even just a few feet because traffic was so backed up all around us from what we'd caused.  But he was able to back up, and in doing so, he dislodged himself from my wheel well, showing the flat tire he'd given me.  The cop radioed for a wrecker to move me off the freeway, and as I was getting back in my car (police orders) to wait for the wrecker, I spotted Jacob, walking along the 610 feeder.  I have no idea how he made it from wherever the heck he parked on the feeder to my car, but he had to run across a heck of a lot of traffic to do so.  The first thing he said to me was "I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A SEMI THAT HIT YOU!!"  I don't know dude, what can I say?  KIND of a lot on my mind as he's hitting me, you know?  So anyways, the wrecker shows up, loads up the Camry, and I'm waiting in the wrecker's truck while Jacob, the semi driver and the cop sort out what to do from here.  Once they decide where to go to write the accident report, Jacob runs BACK across the traffic on 610 and the feeder and we all head out to the parking lot of James Coney Island off of 45 to figure out what happened.  On the way over there, the wrecker was trying to calm me down.  YES I WAS STILL CRYING.  He was asking me how far along I am, and when I said "I have about 2 1/2 weeks left" he was like "you need to calm down!  Don't stress out the baby!  If you don't calm down the stress is bad for the baby!!"  Guy, I cannot emphasize enough how little you're helping.  So the next hour was pretty blah.  We got to the parking lot, the policeman got each of our information and our accounts of what happened.  Jacob talked to our insurance company, who tried to get us to file a claim so things would "move more quickly."  Ummmm no.  Ultimately, the policeman issued a citation to the semi driver and not to me, which was a HUGE relief, because even though I knew I'd done nothing wrong, I was worried he'd say we were both at fault or something.  And I just didn't have the strength for that battle.  So once all of that was taken care of and it was just Jacob and I, we got in his Jeep and headed for the doctor's office.  That was kind of another ordeal because once we got to the imaging center, I was over an hour past my appointment time, so they just had to work me in.  It took forever and I was just NOT having it.  Once I finally got back and the technician did the ultrasound, she brought Jacob in to see and then said she was going to get the doctor.  This was at about 12:30.  I honestly think the doctor went to lunch before he came into see me because it was EASILY thirty minutes before he came in.  Meanwhile, I'm laying on a table, mostly naked, covered by a thin sheet with goo all over my belly, STARVING.  The frustration of the morning combined with the current circumstances made me a bit cranky.  When I say cranky, I mean I had a breakdown that a 2 year old would be embarrassed about.  I was whining and pounding my fists on the table and throwing my head side to side.  It took all my self control to not make a fist and pound the keys on the ultrasound machine.  I felt like a cavewoman and I really needed to smash something.  Finally the doctor came in (with food on his breath), added MORE goop to my stomach and did another quick reading.  He said everything looked good and that the baby was in the 73rd percentile in weight.  ALREADY 7 1/4 POUNDS.  Holy smokes, you guys.  Next we went upstairs to see my doctor.  He asked me lots of questions about the accident to make sure that the baby and I were okay, which we of course were, and then he checked my cervix.  Oh man.  That definitely hurt worse the second time than it did the first, and despite my stress-filled morning that you would SURELY think would bring on contractions, IF NOT LABOR, I had not really changed.  Still 50% effaced and just over 1 cm dilated.  When we finally left the doctors office at about 2 something, I was exhausted and starving, so Jacob treated me to Chick-Fil-A.  It was delicious, but I did manage to drip about half a package of Polynesian sauce on my belly.  What a waste.  It's hard when your stomach is so big that you can't sit right up against the table.

So anyways, that's what happened last week.  Obviously everything was fine, and the baby and I weren't hurt at all.  I guess that's one good thing about rush hour--everyone is moving so slowly that if you get hit, there's no real impact.  But regardless, the stress didn't seem to effect her.  She was kicking my ribs and swinging side to side like a monkey all morning.  And everything turned out fine.  It sucks that my car is in the shop for who knows how long, but I have a rental, so at least I'm not stranded at home.  And his insurance accepts full liability so we don't have to pay for anything, which is a huge relief.  And as scary as everything was, at least I had Jacob there with me for almost the entire day.  Honestly, I don't know what I would've done if Jacob hadn't been there.  I mean, I know someone else would've helped.  My brother wasn't super far, and I know he would've left work to come get me, but I don't think I could've asked him to basically take the entire day off of work while he came to get me, then waited for them to work me in at the ultrasound place and at the doctors office.  He brushes it off when I thank him for all his help, but really, Jacob was a huge help.  I mean, I honestly don't know how many other people would've run through heavy traffic just to be there to help me deal with the cop.  And then he spent like 30 minutes on the phone with the insurance.  And then waited at least another hour for them to work me into the ultrasound schedule.  And then waited SOME MORE for me to see the doctor.  I'm just so so so thankful for his patience.  Let that be a lesson to you.  If you're a bit on the emotional/irrational side, it's best to marry someone a bit more level-headed.  It comes in handy.

But despite all of that I was really pretty frustrated with myself on Thursday after the whole thing.  I know the actual accident was not my fault at all, but I just couldn't help beating myself up about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I kept thinking "what if I hadn't been running late" or "what if I'm not a complete idiot and had figured out which way to go from the Hardy" (I still have no idea what I did wrong there, by the way.  Anyways, I was just so mad at myself for even being in that situation.  I know that there's a reason it happened and there's no telling what could've happened had I been on time or if I'd taken the right exit, it's just frustrating.  I just feel like the whole thing could've been avoided if I hadn't been late or messed up my exit.  Whatever.

The whole thing is just so strange to me.  I've been in TWO car accidents in my entire life.  Both times have been during my pregnancy.  Both times have been entirely the other drivers fault and I've seen them coming but couldn't do anything to avoid it.  Both times have been by younger men driving work vehicles who felt really terrible.  Both times I've had precious cargo with me--this time, the baby, the last time, a bucket of chicken from KFC (and the baby).  Both times I have cried hysterically and Jacob has rushed to the scene to help while I pretty much sat in the car pouting.  Both times, the other driver has hit my rear driver side, taking out my tire and bumper.  The estimate for this repair is only like $200 less than the accident I got into in Dickinson.  That's so weird, right?!  Anyways, as far as wrecks go, God has been VERY good to me, in that both have been so mild and I've dealt with very apologetic men who felt terrible.  I've had zero injuries and their insurance has taken care of everything, so I really can't complain.  It could be SO much worse, and I'm so thankful it isn't.  The whole thing is just inconvenient and stressful, but again, I'm really thankful that I've been so fortunate with both accidents.

In other news, I've been told by basically every woman in my family that I'm nesting.  I really don't feel like I am, and if you saw how dirty my house is, I think you'd agree with me.  BUT I have been going a little craft crazy this week.  My stomach has been pretty upset the past few days, so I've just been trying to lay around and relax since I don't feel great.  The other night I got the idea for like ten crafts that I REALLY felt like I needed to get done.  I was so jazzed about the crafting, I couldn't sleep.  Went to bed after one and was up and ready for Hobby Lobby to open at 5.  I got a lot done that day.  So far all my crafts have been for the baby's room, and now that they're done, I just have one more thing to hang and then I'll post pictures of her completed room.  I'm really happy with it.  And now it feels REALLY complete because Hannah brought over the quilt she made!!  Oh my gosh, it's amazing.  Seriously, I want to put the quilt on MY bed.  She did an awesome job.  Pictures to come soon.

But yeah, this crafting thing is getting crazy.  I'm just not sure it's nesting because I've kind of always been like this.  Once I get the urge to craft, I can't really contain it until I've carried the craft to fruition.  It's not rational, but it's the way I am.  Like the other day, when I was trying to look objectively at my craft list going into Hobby Lobby, I totally justified everything I had on there.  Because OBVIOUSLY I can't bring home a baby to a house with NO FALL/WINTER WREATH!!!!  See, totally logical.  So once these crafts are completed (probably by Saturday), I'll take pictures and add them.  But so far I'm quite pleased with my handiwork.

Okay I desperately need to go eat lunch.  My appointment is less than an hour away, so pray that the doctor says I'm progressing at least a little bit.  Mostly because that'll mean I've had contractions but haven't felt them and that makes me feel like a total baller.

Jersey Finale!!

They're reshowing this guy going up to Melissa and I'm SO UNCOMFORTABLE. 

Something tells me this "fashion show" is going to be really tacky.  Eeks.  So far, I am not impressed.  The styling on these girls is pretty hilarious though.  I'm pretty sure the makeup artist used Mario Paint to get these girls ready.

Ohhhh Kim, you're mighty drunk girl.  She can't seem to figure out how a microphone works, so she's basically just yelling about how they're all gonna dance and "have f-ing fun!".  Typical high class fashion show.  Actually that's how it works in Paris and Milan, too.

So this confrontation between Teresa and Melissa.  It's all a little fishy right now.  I'm not sure what to think about the whole thing, but I do think it's strange that Melissa kept saying she knew him but she didn't know how, and then like a minute later she's like "I bartended for a week for him because my cousin ran the place."  That memory came back awful fast.

I can't remember what the creepy bald guy's name is, but let's just call him Pervy.  Pervy is really skeeving me out.  I don't know who to believe with this whole thing.  He's saying Kim and Teresa arranged for him to be there to call Melissa out.  I just don't know if I buy that.  Teresa and Melissa had been getting along well.  What does she gain from that?  Kim, yeah.  I TOTALLY buy that Kim set the whole thing up so that ONCE AGAIN all the drama goes down at her fashion show with her in the middle of it, but I just don't know about Melissa.  And I'll say it takes some big balls for this guy to go from person to person, talking about Melissa.  I'm guessing he isn't too concerned with the effect that will have on the salon he works at.  Because he comes across way too gossipy and creepy and I can't imagine people would want to have anything to do with him or his salon after how he treats someone who may or may not have worked for him.  EDIT:  I guess he has no affiliation with the salon?  This is confusing.

I have to agree with Melissa when she's talking to Teresa.  If she was really upset about what this guy had to say and didn't want him spreading rumors, she should've shut him down as soon as he walked up to the table.  She should've just been like "uhhhh no.  You're not doing this here."  But she just sat there awkwardly and fake smiled when he acknowledged her.  So even if she thinks she's defending her sister-in-law, she's not.  She was being passive by leaving the room,allowing Kim to ask him questions and get details about Melissa at the Salon.  Then at the table, she sat there while he asked Melissa if she remembered him and made sure everyone would ask her who it was when he walked off.  If she was actually defending Melissa, she could have stopped both of those situations from happening.

Teresa says she's gonna confront the guy before Joe does because if Joe gets to him, it'll cause problems for their family, but obviously Melissa doesn't care because she's calling her husband.  How is all of this Melissa's fault???  I think it would be EVERY woman's instinct to call their husband if some skeezy perv was walking around telling rumors about them. 

I love that Jacqueline and Caroline and Lauren are all texting each other about what's going on.  I would do the exact same thing.  That's actually one of my go-to responses when I'm in an awkward situation.

I'll be honest, all this drama is kinda making my adrenaline go crazy.  I wish I were there.  I would be all over Teresa and how hypocritical she is about Kim.  You can't act like you're upset about the situation and then go take shots with the person that orchestrated it.  Bring it, bia.  I would love to be a part of this. 

I actually think it's great that Joe Gorga came.  I would want my husband to get pissed off and defend me if somebody was saying things like that about me.  Also, you guys, can we talk about how douchey it is that Richie always has his collar popped.  UGH.  Please stop.

I don't get why everyone is concerned about Teresa's brother-in-law being there.  I'm confused on how he fits into the set up.  Guidice men seem to stupid to plan such a big set up, so I'm just assuming he was there for the free Cuban food and the drinks.  But if he DOES turn out to be part of it, I hope he gets food poisoning.

WHOA, another level of the onion just came off.  The guy who owns (?) the salon just said that Pervy was only working at that salon for the day and he's not an employee of the salon....Hmmm.  And it just so happened to be the day Kim took Teresa there with the cameras.  And it was right before the fashion show.  That was supposedly sold out, but he was able to get into.

 Something stinks.

Joe Gorga to Kim "Get outta my face.  Go sniff a line."  HAHAHAHAHA YES.  That's amazing.

Poor Kathy seems very overwhelmed by this whole thing.  She's just way too nice to get involved with these people.

You can tell she just wants to be there to hang out, eat some food and hang out with friends. 

Let the lady enjoy her salad drama-free, people!!

Time out:  Jacqueline looks really pretty at this show.

I still don't get what Teresa's motivations are here.  Why set up Melissa to be embarrassed? 

OH NO HONEY.  DO NOT BLAME JACQUELINE FOR THIS. 

 Not okay.  Poor Jacqueline.  Time to dump Teresa once and for all.

This fight is causing quite a traffic jam.  Does that not bother anyone?  Even the cops are like "ehhh let them talk it through. It's just traffic."  I mean, these cops are obviously there to move cars along, and they're totally fine with Joe just parking in the road while him and Teresa fight.   

So...wow.  That's the big blowup that happened the night before the previous season's finale.  I was wondering about that.  It'll be interesting to see how the reunion shakes out.  Even if Teresa wasn't involved in setting up Melissa and it was just Pervy and Kim, we saw the him talking to some lady, saying he was just there to embarrass Melissa and bring up the stripper thing, so obviously Jacqueline wasn't making that up and had nothing to do with the setup.  I'm sure Teresa won't apologize for accusing Jacqueline of being involved, but it'll be interesting to see how she reacts to that footage.  This reunion is going to be epically awesome. 

Emmy Red Carpet

So since Dana is busy with her Bible study and we can't text or talk during the red carpet, here's basically everything I have to say to you, Dana.  This would be so much easier over the phone...

Oh man, I forgot how much I dislike Ryan Seacrest.  Good thing I'm not live, so I'll be fast-forwarding.

DAAAAAAAANG you guys, Homeland in the house!!!  Naturally Morena Baccarin looks insanely beautiful.  Inigo Montoya not so much, but I still love him.

HOLY SMOKES GUILIANA LOOKS SKINNIER THAN NORMAL.  Yikes, I'm genuinely concerned for her health.  I love her dress, but she's not the lady to wear it.  The detail on the neck just makes her look even more severe and sharp.

 Kat Dennings--I'm just going to roll my eyes.  I love the dress but it's obviously not for someone with DDs.

UGH these interviews.  Why are famous people not capable of answering questions and...I don't know.  Talking?

I don't know how to spell her real name, so we'll just call her Blossum.  Blossum's dress isn't great, you guys.  It's a bit mature, right?

I LOVE Anna Chlumsky's dress.  She looks incredible.  I'm also super jealous that she gets to work with Julia Louis Dreyfus.  She's the greatest, and Jacob would leave me for her in a heartbeat.  And I totally get it.

HOMELAND COMMERCIAL.  SO.GOOD.  

Is it weird that I like Ariel Winter's dress?  I'm just such a sucker for prints.  (no comment from you, Dana)

Leslie Mann, I want to steal your hair. 

Holy smokes, Padma looks amazing.  Think she'll donate that dress to me?  She's a terrible interview but a really beautiful lady.

Heidi Klum looks amazing.  Her earrings are bit Barbie, but she looks super gorgeous.

I wish I could be Aziz Ansari's date.  He'd probably be embarrassing, but he'd be super fun.

PLEASE EVERYONE STOP TAKING PICTURES OF GINNIFER GOODWIN.  DO NOT REWARD HER TERRIBLE POSING AND DRAG QUEEN FACES WITH PICTURES.  She takes herself WAY too seriously.  Ew, she's being interviewed by Guiliana.  FAST FORWARD. 

Oh hey, Sarah Paulson.  I'll take that dress, thanks.

  Sarah Hyland, I'm not crazy about that dress.  SURPRISE SURPRISE it's Marchesa.  Also, her jewelery looks like dress up jewelry a little girl would wear.

Tina Fey looks amazing.  I've missed 30 Rock so much.

Everything about Connie Britton is awful.  She's taking this new role on Nashville waaaay too seriously.  In all fairness to Guiliana, even though I find her very annoying, she's able to keep a straight face when she tells all these people that they look beautiful.  I think the very best I could do if I were interviewing Connie Britton would be to say "ohhh hey girl.  Look how sparkly you are!"  That's probably the nicest thing I could say.

Hayden Panetierre, you've got illusion netting, bedazzles and some sort of colored tulle.  Lemme guess. Your dress is Marchesa.  NAILED IT.

AARON PAUL BROUGHT A DATE TO THE EMMYS?!?!  What a stupid skank.  I hope they're just related because he's a dream.

Does the slit in Heidi Klum's dress go to her armpit?!  She could totally wear that to her next OBGYN visit.

During Guiliana's interview with Aziz, they cut to Ariel Winter on the red carpet, posing.  Next to her on the red carpet, posing for the photographers is...Guiliana?!  It's like I've fallen into a wormhole.

Don't get me wrong, Sofia Vergara is INSANELY beautiful, but every time she wears a gown I feel like she's worn it before. 

Gretchen Mol's shoes are probably worst things I've ever seen.

Let's all take a moment of silence for Amy Poehler and Will Arnett's marriage.  That one was a dagger.  I really thought they were the greatest couple in the world.  In spite of all that, Amy looks amazing.

Oh man, I would be losing my mind for Elizabeth Moss's dress if it weren't a mullet dress.

January Jones, that hair and makeup are INSANE.  I'm torn on the dress, but that makeup is really terrible.  Truly.

Oh boy, Julianne Hough, that's too bad.  I love that Ryan is scolding her for her hair.  You know he's embarrassed by her hair and outfit.

Ohhhhhh I really love Julianna Marguiles's dress.  Okay, it does look a bit like upholstery fabric, but I really love it.

Nicole Kidman's dress is completely perfect.  Unfortunately her face was packed in dry ice on the way over.  She may have gotten new fillers in her top lip because it looks very uncomfortable for her to talk.

Claire Danes, I am SO disappointed in you.  I love what she wears 99% of the time and I'm NOT okay with this blousy banana dress.  So unflattering!  And I bet she's the cutest little pregnant lady ever.

Is Lucy Liu from the future?  That dress looks crazy hot and heavy.

ELAINE BENES IN THE HOUSE!!  She looks amazing.  And she FINALLY looks likes gotten like, a wrinkle.  Good thing Jacob's at Bible study because he'd be drooling all over her.

Oh geez, Ryan's about to interview Nicole Kidman.  Honestly, I can't even watch because her fresh batch of Botox is weirding me out so bad.  Man, I love her dress, but I wish we didn't have to see her face.

I am loving Kerry Washington's dress.   I'll take four, please.

Uh oh, Julie Bowen is really maintaining right now.  That hair is wild.  It looks very dry and like she might need to deep condition later.  I'm torn on the dress.  I can't tell if I love or hate that color on her.

Oh Kristen Wiig, no.  That dress looks like an old dirty hanky.  And she's so pretty!  Why does she insist on wearing such drab stuff?

Okay the red carpet is over.  Time to watch the real show.  But first, time to walk the dogs....

Emmys Tonight!

You guys, I just realized that tonight is the Emmys!! It's a good thing I haven't had this baby yet because there are GOWNS to focus on. So yeah, the boys and I are resting up now for Emmy red carpet coverage. I'll definitely blog it, but it might not be live--that depends on when I need to make dinner and whatnot. Also at some point I'll probably blog about my car accident last week, but...eh. Not as interesting as gowns. Even the boys agree with that.

Dance Moms Reunion Part 1?!

First impressions of this reunion:  Budget Andy Cohen sucks, and Christi's got some REALLY bad extensions in. 

Really though, what's the deal with fake Andy Cohen's face?  It seems like his face is melting right?  Bad face lift?  Bad Botox?  I don't know what it is, but he's making me uncomfortable.

I must just be spoiled by Bravo reunion shows because I totally miss Andy Cohen. 

I'm wondering about the editing of this reunion already.  Christi's eyes look super duper puffy to me.  So either this is edited to look like the beginning, but really they've already covered a lot of drama and Christi did a ton of crying.  OR she's not used to these fake eyelashes she has on and they're weighing her eyelids down.  I don't know which is the reality, I think they might both be.

It's too bad that Abby talks so much with her hands because she's got the grossest hands and fingers of anyone I've ever seen.  Very clawlike, very bejeweled.  Ick.  All I can think about is how much food gets trapped under her fingernails. 

We're halfway through this reunion and I'm boooooooored.  So far there's not been much of substance.

I still don't see why Kelly called Abby a whore.  I mean, calling her fat, sure.  Calling her gross, definitely.  Calling her mean, absolutely.  But a whore?  The only companion Abby has ever had is her dog, Broadway Baby, so I don't think that whore is really that great of an insult, you know?  It really doesn't apply to Abby, so it's not like it's gonna sting.

Okay, hearing about Christi's childhood and that it was hard is sad and all, but here's the thing.  If you say you had a hard childhood and you want to give your daughter this great amazing childhood you always dreamed of, WHY would you send her to Abby for so many years, knowing Abby's going to yell at her, bully her, and belittle her?  It just seems counter intuitive.

Oh boy, bringing out the big guns with Cathy.  Please, anything to up the drama here because I'm still bored.  They can try to talk sense into Cathy all they want, but lady is crazy.  You're just gonna talk in circles to her.  I mean, what sane person just comes out with "I think I have more class than you."?  I love that Cathy's saying that she's a business person, when she's constantly acting like a crazy stalker.  Also, I don't know if you can claim to be a business person when your husband runs a JERKY STORE.  It's not like he's some groundbreaking entrepreneur. 

Why in the WORLD did they need to break this reunion into two parts?!  The first part was so dang boring.  And why do they need to bring in Black Patsy for the reunion?  She was in one episode and she really wasn't that interesting.  I'd rather have Peyton's mom on the reunion.  That lady's all kinds of crazy and you know she'd start either making things up about the women or telling stories that they wouldn't want on camera.  Make it happen, Lifetime.

Nursery Pics!

So we've finally finished the nursery!  Hooray!  Well I guess technically we aren't quite finished since I haven't hung any of her pictures up yet or set up her monitor, but still.  You'll get the idea.  I'm guessing we'll get the pictures hung this weekend, but I'm not necessarily as worried about that as I was about, you know, her having a bed.

Here's the wreath I made for her room.  The bow is a bit tilted in this picture which is totally setting off my OCD, but I'm trying to ignore it.

 Her dresser!  And you can see the beadboard in the background that Jacob did an AMAZING job on.  You can also see the handsome devil who wanted to help take pictures of his sister's room.  His brother was in the room as well.

 Her closet.  It looks like she has a lot of clothes, but they're all different sizes, so it's not like she's got all that to wear right away.  She'll probably only fit into like one of those right away...

 Her bed--Jacob figured out the bumper, so I guess I am mentally handicapped.  Good thing I married someone so smart!

 The bed, curtains and Oscie boy, who loves laying in front of sister's window.

 The curtains!  I'm so happy with how they turned out.  They were a ton of work, but I really like them.  And I'm extremely thankful I have a mom who's very patient and helped me through every second of making them.

 I figured I'd put a closeup of the fabric so you could see the texture of the khaki and the print at the bottom (pink toile).

So yeah, now we just need some hung pictures, the monitor and perhaps a throw rug for the middle of the room.  Once we put the furniture in place, it was like, holy smokes, this room is huge.  So it looks a little empty.  I'm thinking an area rug in the middle might help that, but I'm not really going to go looking for one.  Oh, and the bassinet is put together in our room.  I'll have to take a picture of that one of these days.  Thankfully the dogs have been pretty uninterested in all of it so far.  But I have a feeling once the baby shows up, they'll be extra curious.

Jersey Fashion Show

Part 1 of 2 for the Jersey finale was all about the set up for the big explosion between Melissa and Teresa.  Next week is going to be the real doozy, but this week was not bad.

Okay there's the set up for the "apology" phone call to Melissa about Kim D. gossiping about the Gorgas, which really was just a way for her to invite her to the Posche fashion show.  I mean, we all know drama is coming, but it's a decent enough set up by the producers.

Joe and Teresa trying to teach their kids Italian....oh boy.  First of all, since Joe can never do the same thing for more than five minutes, I don't think this is going to be the most successful attempt to try to make their kids bilingual.  It takes a long time and a lot of practice to learn another language, so...pretty sure these kids have no chance.  This seems like the worst way to try to teach kids another language.  Just saying sentences to them in Italian doesn't really teach them anything.  Might want to start smaller, Tre.  Like simple words or common phrases that they can pick up quickly.  Also, trying to teach a 9 year old and a 1 year old at the same time doesn't really seem that smart.  They probably have different brain capacities and attention spans.  But what do I know, I'm not professor.  Also, I'm not sure why she's decided to set up her living room as a classroom and make the girls all have notepads.  Clearly this is just for the cameras, but still.  It annoys me.  Can somebody just get these kids Rosetta Stone and be done with all this?  I'd like to remind everyone that I dislike Gia.  Oh good, Gia's the teacher now.  Makes sense since she's fluent and all.  UGH.

Eww, I always forget how gross Kim D is.  She's really got an unfortunate face.  I love the flashbacks to Posche fashion show when everyone attacked Danielle.  Those were the good ole days, you know.  When Teresa tells Kim that Caroline said she didn't want to be friends with Teresa anymore, it's like you can see the bulb going off over her head.  "Ohhh drama....let's hear it so I can get involved even though I have nothing to do with the situation."  She's such an instigator.  And again, she's pretty repulsive.  Her mouth looks like it got crushed under some sort of dungeon steel door.  Lips shouldn't protrude like six inches when your mouth is closed.

Oh my gosh, I feel so bad for Albie's girlfriend when they host brunch.  I think I would cry if I was her when Caroline says they can smell the food all the way down the hall and asks "wanna open a window?".  I'd be convinced that my food smells, I smell, my apartment smells and I'm the worst person that ever lived.  Passive aggressive comments really get to my soul.  Also, I know we've seen it before, but I'd like someone to explain to me why the Manzo boys have a picture of Kathy glued to a suit of armor in their apartment.

Poor Lauren.  Caface is probably the worst name I've ever heard for a salon.  Not to mention I can't read it or hear it without thinking it's "cat-face". 

 And that's about the last thing people would want out of a salon.  Also, I'd love to hear what happened with Lauren's booth at Chateau.  She brushes it off like "things didn't work out at Chateau.  After my grand opening, I kinda just walked away."  HUH?  That's pretty quick to give up on something.  Saying that something "didn't work out" implies you invested time and effort into it.  Not like, I had a bad night and I'm not going back there.

Why on earth would Kathy even take Richie to the business meeting?  Ugh, he's the worst.  OF COURSE he's going to take it over and humiliate her.  That's what he does!

 Hang on, sorry, I was just barfing after Rich's "my favorite dessert is Kathy" comment.  I won't even acknowledge what he says after that because it's really and truly one of the most repulsive things I've ever heard.

Oh man, another awkward business meeting--the Gorgas discussing Melissa's music career.  I really can't anymore with Melissa as a singer.  It's too much and it's terrible.

 

Quick sidenote:  You may have noticed that I've recently become obsessed with gifs of Britney Spears on X Factor.  It's true.  I love every second of the 2 episodes I've seen of X Factor, PURELY because Britney is incredible on it.  She might give the best reactions of all time, both facially and verbally.  I can't recommend the show enough to anyone who already has a soft spot for Britney and how dumb and/or brilliant she is.  Also, the show is incredible for moments like this.

 

 Seriously gives me goosebumps.  So yeah, I plan on using LOTS of Britney gifs from here on out, because, how could I not?

Okay, back to Jersey:  We see Caroline and Jacqueline going to Posche for some shopping.  Let's all get real here for a minute.  Anyone still shopping at Posche is either an ignorant enabler or they just enjoy seeing the progression of "Faces of Meth" firsthand.

Does Danielle still shop at Posche now that she's been kicked off the show?  Wouldn't that be amazing if she walked in while Caroline and Jacqueline shopped?  WHAT IF SHE CAME TO THE FASHION SHOW?!?!  Seriously, though, why has Danielle fallen off the face of the planet ever since she got kicked off the show.  She used to be friends with Kim and shop at that store all the time, right?  So why wouldn't she be at the fashion show?  It's all just a little fishy to me...

Oh my gosh, you guys.  Jacqueline trying on this sparkly dress with her jeans at her ankles is amazing and adorable and she's the absolute best.

Teresa's gladiator boots at his playdate are very strange.  I mean, I guess if there's ever an occasion to wear gladiator boots, it's with a tube top and hot pink booty shorts while playing outside with your kids.

Oh boy, FaceTime with Ashley.  Many she is NOT looking good.  Jacqueline can say she's doing PR work all she wants, but I can tell by that face of hers that she's either a stripper or escort.  Maybe both.  This is the most awkward video chat ever.

Ew, this guy at the salon saying he knows Melissa is super skeevy.

 

 Even if that's true that Melissa stripped at his club, why in the world would you ever bring that up???  And you can tell Kim is LOVING this.  Totally orchestrated, too.  She definitely set this whole thing up and is loving watching it unfold.  When Teresa politely tries to cut them off, saying she doesn't want to talk about family, Kim's face is disturbing.  Through a huge, evil Cheshire Cat grin, she says "oops" and shrugs her shoulders, but she's obviously enjoying herself.  Eww.  She's a really disgusting person.  I actually kinda feel bad for Teresa because she does seem genuinely uncomfortable with Kim and the perv trying to gossip and badmouth Melissa and she tries to shut them down pretty quickly.  When he walks off, Teresa is obviously shaken by the whole thing and repeatedly says that she really just doesn't want to talk about it because it's family and they're in a good place.  Which, good for her, because I do think that's the right thing to do.

The perv comes back into the room to apologize to Teresa for his comments (and to put some ice cubes in their champagne?) and I cannot believe the balls Kim's got to ask follow up questions to this guy.  How is Teresa friends with her?!  How is THAT not a betrayal worth freaking out about, like she did when Jacqueline asked about the magazine.  Honestly, this makes me more angry than it probably should, but the whole thing seems really hypocritical to me.  She repeatedly said to Kim that she doesn't want to talk to this guy, doesn't want to hear anything bad about Melissa and really doesn't want anyone else talking about her family.  She's obviously upset about the whole thing, and rightfully so.  That's a NORMAL reaction to have when someone brings up something to embarrass someone in your family.  So why is it that when Kim starts asking the guy questions about Melissa stripping, saying she just "has to know" Teresa just rolls her eyes and then leaves the room so she doesn't hear it.  Why wouldn't she freak out and yell at Kim for betraying her and get upset?  Why would she just leave the room and continue to talk about Melissa?  Being passive and allowing them to gossip about your family is just as bad, so no matter how many times you say you don't want people to talk about them, you're allowing it to happen if you just walk away.  It just seems like she's giving Kim a pass to be pretty despicable, even though she's already said numerous times she doesn't want people talking about Melissa.  And this guy, despite Teresa telling him not to talk about it, ANSWERS Kim's questions!!!  These people are terrible.  Seriously awful.  Kim is just so slimy.  To use getting ready for the fashion show at this salon to bring together Teresa and this creep just so his and Melissa's history comes out?  Gross.  It's also really crappy of Teresa to let that slide but to hold a grudge against Jacqueline for MUCH MUCH less. 

This fashion show looks like it's going to be a whole new level of tacky.  It's actually pretty hilarious that Melissa keeps describing it as chic.  Ummmm that's not how I would describe the venue. 

Ewwwwww the sleazy guy is approaching Melissa.  So crappy.  And the look on his face when he looks down at a very nervous Teresa is like...seriously, this guy might be a serial killer.

Of course Bravo split this into two episodes, so all the drama is in next week's finale.  It should be good, though, and I'm anxious to see how Teresa spins this onto other people.  Not that I think it's her fault that the guy approaches Melissa, but she could've warned her, you know?  Or at the very least, when he came up to the table, Teresa could've asked him to leave, knowing he wanted to bring up the past again.  I don't know, but it will be interesting to see how she blames everyone else for it and tries to make herself be the victim.

Dance Moms Season Finale

It's already time for the season finale of Dance Moms?  Geez Louise guys, I was just getting into this season!

Is it just me, or does Abby begin every week by saying they're competing for nationals?  Honestly, If they're traveling across the nation every week for competitions, wouldn't they all technically be "nationals"?  She always makes it seem like every trip is the BIGGEST competition they've ever been to.  She's like the boy who cried wolf about the importance of these competitions.

DOES BROOKE HAVE A HICKEY?!?!?!?!  Or has she just had a tracheotomy?

 Maybe she's recently been shot?  I don't know, but they really need to address this.

The diary of Anne Frank?!  THAT'S A DANCE????  Really, honest question, how do you dance about being a poor Jewish girl, trapped in an attic, hiding from Nazis who ultimately gets killed IN GOOD TASTE? 

And how does contorting her body like she's on The Exorcist convey Anne Frank?

What is Abby's deal lately with the disturbing group dances?  I just don't see how pretending to give another girl CPR is artistic and beautiful.  I love that the girls are all running to their moms, freaking out about how weird this dance is.  Thank heavens these girls have some sense of normalcy left.

I totally forgot that all these moms have husbands and other children.  How is that possible?  Those other kids must be completely deprived of attention.

Look, I don't want to be weird or anything, but the next time I get my hair cut, I'll probably go in with a picture of Paige.  The kid has great hair.  Also, if I ever start dying my hair, I'll take Brooke's picture.  It's normal to want to look like a 14 year old, right?

Kelly saying she can't take it anymore, AGAIN, boy who cried wolf.  I think they just insert that sound bite into every single episode.  And when Abby says Paige needs to be seen by a pediatrician, basically saying she's stupid, and Kelly's like "I have to draw the line somewhere!" that irritates me, because you know she's going to keep taking Paige to Abby.  Such an empty threat.  Yeah, the dance teacher is insulting my daughter's intelligence right in front of her and making me travel across the country for nothing, but...eh.  Whatevs.  I just don't get how these moms get SO worked up and just want to quit and Abby makes the girls feel like total crap but they keep coming back to her.  What are they getting out of it?

Will someone please explain to me what this photo shoot is for that Paige is doing?  I'd like to believe that it's not just for the photographer's personal collection, but....it doesn't seem like there's any purpose to these pictures.

Whoa, Kendall with some attitude towards Chloe!  That's pretty out of character.  Not necessarily the bad mouthing as much as just her talking, which she never does.

I know Cathy puts on a big show for the cameras, but she isn't actually this annoying and immature in real life, is she?  Chanting "Clean Chloe's Clock" might be the dumbest thing I've ever seen.  BUT I can't complain about her camera time because that means VIVI!  And can someone please explain who this guy is with Cathy? PLEASE tell me he's the dad of one of these dancers.  Happily married to a woman, not an ounce of gay in him, I'm sure.

Okay, Justice's mom is a stripper, right?  We can all agree on that.

Uh oh...drama between Cathy and one of her moms!  I love that Cathy's star student, Justice, has his mom calling Abby to get into her studio.  I also love how embarrassed Cathy is about this whole thing.  Maybe you shouldn't constantly start fights and try to bring up stuff you don't have knowledge of, Cath.  That's really hilarious.  Why did the moms encourage Cathy to confront Abby if Justice's mom was just going to basically admit to what Abby was accusing her of?

Here's how you know Cathy is not a normal person and has no shame.  Just the day before, she was humiliated to find out that her star student's mom had, in fact, contacted Abby's studio like Abby claimed.  And here she is, way overconfident, standing outside Abby's door, cheering and clapping.  Yeah, she's setting herself up for more embarrassment, I have a feeling.

WHY IS JUSTICE COVERED IN PAINT TO LOOK LIKE HE'S BLEEDING TO DEATH?  If he's doing some sort of interpretive dance about Lord of the Flies, I'm going to lose it.  I'm just hoping he's pretending to be a feral child.

I know it's normal to make these girls wear a ton of makeup when they perform, but FOR THE LOVE, Christi, please pick another color lipstick for Chloe because that shade of purple is embarrassing the Latinas from 1998.

I must've not been paying attention to Brooke's solo.  I missed the part at the end where the Nazis capture her and her family and they die a gruesome death.  She conveyed that, right?

You know, I don't know much about dancing, but it does seem like Brooke and Mackenzie are pretty good and are pretty impressive during their solos.  But it's pretty clear that not everyone was as impressed.

Aren't the Candy Apples girls kind of embarrassed that they're like 16 but they compete against Abby's group of girls who are like 12? 

Paige makes a great frozen statue in this dance.

But really, this dance is weird.  Although I could watch Maddie walk like a zombie all day long.

YOU GUYS!  Mackenzie, Brooke, and Chloe all won first place for their solos in each of their divisions!

Yay!  So proud of Chloe!

Dang, ALDC cleaned up in this competition.  They won like...everything.  That's pretty dang good.

These women are so emotional about the possibility of Kelly not bringing her girls back next year.  First of all, you guys, she says she's done like every single week.  I wouldn't get all worked up about this.  I mean, all these women spend so much time together, I'm guessing their cycles have just synced up and they're just crazy PMSing because Kelly is all talk when it comes to leaving ALDC.  Second of all, the girls JUST finished their last dance.  Is this really the best time to be talking about leaving?  Way to be a buzzkill, Kelly.

BREAKING NEWS:  THERE'S GOING TO BE A DANCE MOMS REUNION NEXT WEEK.  I'm going to watch that so hard my eyeballs might bleed.  FINALLY things are working out for me.

Derp

My lovely sister, Mandy, got me the breathable bumper I registered for, which I'm super excited about.  Now I can make sure my baby doesn't get her limbs stuck in the crib rails without worrying if she's suffocating!  Win win.  Today I got the mattress pad in the mail, so I washed all the bedding so I could put the crib together.  Honestly, and maybe foolishly, I assumed that getting all of that stuff would be the hardest part.  I was very wrong.  I got the crib skirt on with no problems but struggled a bit with the mattress pad.  I don't know if it shrunk up a bit in the wash but it's a very tight squeeze on her mattress.  Once I finally got the mattress pad on, I was trying to put on the sheet.  It's like I've never seen a fitted sheet before.  I think I tried to put it on sideways like four times.  Even once I got the right orientation I couldn't figure out why it was too poofed out on one side and not reaching to the other.  Most normal people would just shimmy it over so it lined up.  Me?  I took it off and started over.  Ugh...that's not even the worst part.  So okay you guys.  I spent LITERALLY 45 minutes trying to put the bumper on the crib and never could figure it out.  I'm just...realizing I'm not that bright.

 

Please, please let this baby get Jacob's brains.  The thing is, I still don't know why I could NOT figure out the bumper.  I feel like I tried every possible combination of the two bumper panels and I couldn't get it to line up right.  Is there something wrong with me?  Am I really retarded and no one has ever told me?  Because if I am, people, please tell me.  I can handle it.  So...yeah.  As of now, the bumper is "on" the bed, but it's all wrong.  I'm just gonna have Mandy come over and fix it for me if Jacob and I can't get it once he comes back into town.  It's just a bummer because I was so excited to see the bedding all come together and have something look finished.  It's also super depressing because I spent 45 minutes trying to put on BABY BEDDING and couldn't figure it out.  Despite have written instructions in front of me.  With pictures.  Yikes.  Sorry Mensa, but I may not be joining your ranks just yet. 

In other nursery news, the painting is all done and I LOVE how the beadboard has turned out.  Jacob did an amazing job, ESPECIALLY considering he'd never done paneling or molding before.  It looks awesome.  All he has to do is pull the outlets forward so they line up with the paneling and that will be all done.  AND My mom and I finished the curtains!!  It only took four sewing days and about 20 hours, but hey, I'm a terrible seamstress.  If anyone comes over, PLEASE do me a favor and don't look at any of the hems.  I'm not kidding, I am terrible at sewing.  So yeah, Jacob and I bought the curtain rod but didn't get the chance to hang it before he went out of town, so I'm hoping to do that maybe Friday.  Then we'll push the furniture into place, hang the pictures, set up her monitor and be DONE.  I can't wait.  I'll be posting pictures as soon as all that is completed.

Well I need to get back to important things--eating skittles and watching Homeland.  We have free movie channels for the next month, so I've been downloading episodes of shows I've been wanting to watch and have totally gotten sidetracked by Homeland.  SO.GOOD.  I highly recommend it.  Before Jacob left town, I had watched the first three episodes of the show and he watched every minute with me, which is totally unlike him.   As a general rule he does not watch tv unless it's a sporting event or a solid, well respected comedy.  He hates any tv series that's a drama, and normally can't handle anything that contains any violence.  Homeland isn't super violent but there are some graphic/intense scenes and he still seems to enjoy the show.  He'd never admit it, but he was glued to each episode I put on while he was home, and that's a pretty great endorsement.

So trust me, if JACOB likes a drama, it's pretty good.  

On My List: The Bed Bath & Beyond Edition

Okay so here's thing.  I'm pretty irritable these days, there's no doubt about that, and I'd never deny it.  So today when I strolled into Bed Bath & Beyond looking for a present for a wedding we're going to this weekend, I knew there was a possibility I might hate everyone else in the store.  It's just how I am these days.  EVERYONE IS ANNOYING.

After waiting awhile to get the registry printed off, I looked through the registry to figure out what to get the couple.  I was a little overwhelmed because their list was so long, but I figured I'd just go to the kitchen stuff and start there.  They had a few pages worth of kitchen stuff, so I figured I was bound to find plenty of things to get them.  UNFORTUNATELY Bed Bath & Beyond is the absolute worst because I seriously couldn't find anything in the kitchen section that they had registered for.  Cookie sheets?  Yeah, that's a good starting point, lemme find those.  NOPE they don't have them.  Fluted cake pan?  Sure, that's a nice gift, let's just see...NOPE not there.  Spoon rest?  Yeah, I use mine all the time and kinda wish I had a second.  NOPE.  Definitely not worth carrying.  WHAT THE HECK, BBB????  So irritating.  I literally just had to grab ANY presents I could find in the kitchen section that they actually had in the store.  So their present from us (hopefully you're not reading this Cannon or Melinda!) is four cutting boards, a couple of spatulas/flippers, and an apple cutter.  And I really wanted to get them one more thing, but after looking for 30 (I counted) more items and finding ZERO, I figured it was just time to get the heck out of there.  I have never in my life had such a hard time buying a registry gift.

After I finished checking out, I asked the cashier if they would gift wrap it for me.  She said, "yes, you can go right over there to the cleaning section."  Okay, finally, something easy so I can get on to my next errand.  AND THEN I REALIZED WHERE SHE SENT ME.  I saw a table that said "Complimentary Gift-Wrapping!  Do it Yourself!"

Are you serious with this garbage?  I've literally spent AN HOUR in your poorly stocked and terribly marked store with ZERO help from employees.  Now you've taken away a service you've been doing for years so that your employees can continue on in their discussions amongst themselves about their lunch break?!  Not cool.  BUT, I was pretty certain I didn't have any wedding wrapping paper and I didn't want to start rumors within the church by wrapping their presents in a bag that says "It's a Girl!!" so I slunk off to the self-wrapping station.  As I tried to figure out which box I'd need--which is a harder task than you think, since the boxes are all flat and you have to put them together to see if they'll work--I noticed that one of the cashiers was watching me.  I tried to shame him away by looking directly at him, but he was undeterred.  He continued staring at me with an intensity that was honestly making me nauseous.  Look people, I've watched enough Law & Order: SVU to know what a sexual predator looks like and this guy was one.  I kept hoping for someone to come to his line to busy him, but unfortunately he continued staring at me.  The discomfort and general uneasiness lessened as anger took over while I tried to figure out which box size I needed.  The boxes were kept under the table, which may be a wonderful storage solution, but it is NOT THE GREATEST when you're nine months pregnant and bending down and over to pick something up makes you feel like you won't make it back up.   After several minutes and assemblies of varying box sizes, I found the right one, and then realized that I had tried all the boxes, so I had no clue which size box had worked.  So I'd have to go through the whole mess again to put the top of the box together.  I went through the whole drill again, trying to fit the different boxes on the bottom of the already assembled box, when the manager came over and said "oh, you just use the same size for the top that you used for the bottom and they'll fit together."

Lemme tell you something, toots.  The minute your store decided they no longer could spare the manpower to wrap my present, you lost the authority to give me any advice on said present wrapping.  I mean, does she think I've spent my whole life in a cave?  Hmmm...equal sized boxes to wrap a present.  Interesting idea.  I was just going to fill this box with some tissue paper to make it look fancy, but I guess closing it is one way to go.  So this 10 square inch box bottom WON'T work with this 8 inch long rectangular lid?  Why is that?   Will you please explain how shapes work?  Because I'm stupid.  Meanwhile, Leering Larry is still staring at me, and I'm so grossed out by him but angered at his manager, that I just grabbed the scissors from the wrapping table and turned to him to give him the most menacing look I could come up with.  Didn't seem to phase him from the staring, but I guess he didn't realize that was me threatening him.  Now the pervert and the manager have angered me even more because I'm like, okay, simple solution--if I'm such an idiot, she should have this creep come wrap the present for me since he's OBVIOUSLY not doing any work, and then he can be put to use and stop freakin me out.  Two birds, one stone.  That didn't happen of course, so I continued on with the wrapping.  I figured out which lid to use, folded it up and spent about 4 minutes trying to jimmy the lid onto the bottom.

I can't explain to you how much physical harm I could've done to the next person that irritated me at that point.  Once the box was finally together, and I was figuring out how much wrapping paper I needed, some girl walks up to me, watches me wrapping the present and says "Oh wow!  We can do that!  How great!!"

If she had stood there any longer I may have stabbed her with my scissors.  That kind of positivity is not welcome here, sister!  All in all, it took me about 15 minutes to fight the battle with the self-wrapping station.  Today, Bed Bath & Beyond took about $50, 80% of my sanity, all of my patience and an hour and a half from me.  Also, if something terrible is to happen to me in the next few days, please contact the BBB at Willowbrook and inquire about a man who looks like an overweight Vizzini and likely has a record of sexual misconduct.

I'm pretty sure he'll be the culprit.

   

Housewives Get Boring

Let's  all just agree that this week's episode of Jersey was pretty boring.  I guess the Bravo people were like "ehhhh last week was good enough.  Let's just give them stuff that we were gonna cut."  So yeah, I don't really have that much to say about this week's episode.

Why are all of Teresa's kids sleeping in the same bed?  They've got a pretty huge house.  Seems like they could spread out a bit.  In case anyone ever wants to know what my daughter will dress like, it's the exact opposite of how Teresa is dressing her daughters.

Melissa missing the bus is kind of classic.  Here's the thing with Antonia's first bus experience, at least SHE was able to stay with her parents.  Quick (okay more like long) anecdote:  When I was in Kindergarten, at the end of the first day we all got lined up for our buses and the tag my teacher put on me had the wrong address.  So I'm riding around with the rest of the other kids, not really thinking about much until I realize that there are only a few kids left and I don't recognize the street we're on.  Once the other kids got dropped off, it was just me.  Now, I've always been a pretty emotional person, but you put a 5 year old on a bus with a stranger on her first day at a new school and it's pretty awful.  The bus driver took me by the address that was on my tag, which of course wasn't right, and then just drove up and down every single street.  Being the melodramatic child I was, I planted my face against the window and wept.  I couldn't even see out the window to look for my house because I had fogged it up so much.  I was pretty certain I'd never see my family again, and everytime the bus driver asked for more information or clarification on my street, I just shrugged.  I mean, I was FIVE.  I'm functionally retarded NOW when it comes to directions.  There's no way I had a prayer of knowing where I was in a neighborhood we'd JUST moved into at five years old.  So we just drove all over Cypresswood, trying to find my house.  Finally we stumbled onto a street that looked familiar and I got up and ran to the doors, pressing my face into the glass.  Certainly not something the bus driver would normally allow while the bus was in motion, but we were both so distraught and emotional, I think she would've let ME drive if she thought that meant finding my home.  Thankfully I spotted my house, with my extremely worried mother standing outside.  We both jumped for joy at the sight of each other, and the neighbors probably thought I was some POW coming home after a long imprisonment with our reactions, but it was AWFUL.  Since then, my mom's told me that I was over an hour late being dropped off, and though she called the school multiple times, they didn't know where I was or what to tell her.  I can't imagine how scary that would've been for her.  Also, since I only went to half-day Kindergarten, I was WAY late on my lunch, so I'm pretty sure my mom took me to Taco Bell.  Which was like, the ultimate treat for me.  Little known fact; Taco Bell is a part of many of my scary childhood memories.  When I got pneumonia and had to come home from school, my sister Ashley picked me up because they couldn't reach my mom.  So even though I felt like I was dying, I thought I was pretty much a hot shot for being home alone with her while she watched soap operas.  She had gone to Taco Bell for lunch and let me have some of her food--it was my first time trying soft tacos.  True story.  And then another time TB factored into a somewhat traumatizing memory was when I broke my arm.  I had been so good at the doctor's office getting my cast on (they didn't have pink like my mom had PROMISED ME I could get) that my mom took me to Taco Bell and I got 3 crunchy tacos.  I remember taking the first bite and being like "yep.  Totally worth it."  For being integral in some of my scarier memories, I can't say it's tainted my feelings for Taco Bell.  POINT OF THE STORY BEING, Antonia was lucky that her first bus experience was just watching it drive by with her parents, knowing her mom would just have to drive her to school.  She's lucky she didn't get stuck on it, marooned in an unfamiliar neighborhood, certain she'd be lost forever.  BECAUSE THAT STICKS WITH YOU.  Also, here's hoping she never throws up on a school bus....that also scars you for life.  But that's a whole different story...

Back to Jersey--
Teresa and Joe talking about the trip.  Ehhh whatever, I'm over them and I'm certainly sick of him.  He's like some primate that has somehow learned words but doesn't know how to use them.  Just because you're speaking doesn't mean you're saying anything, Joe.  I love that his comment about Caroline is "Whatever Caroline, go dye your hair."  Uhhh okay?  I guess he's insulting her??  Does he realize how many women dye their hair???  It's not like she's trying to hide her age.  She did just have a 50th birthday party....

I just don't get why Teresa puts up with Joe making fun of Kathy's appearance.  If Jacob said ONE word mocking any of my family's looks, it'd be lights out.  NOT OKAY GUY.  Sure, Joe, Kathy has big eyes, but she's a pretty lady.  Teresa, on the other hand, looks like a Muppet/primate.

Victoria, I don't recommend University of Maryland.  Also, this tour is making me very uncomfortable.  Rich is probably the most annoying person these girls have ever given a tour to.  Also, poor Kathy.  Poor EVERYONE in her family who seems shocked at this dorm.  IT'S A DORM.  None of them are nice, none of them are big.  I love that Kathy is like "I think this will be the deciding factor on whether she goes away or not."  You can't be serious. 

Oh boy.  Kathy's family goes to DC.  Seems like they could be botching a lot of history here, going through the monuments and memorials.

I'd like to amend my earlier statement.  If you want to know how I'll be dressing my daughter, it's the exact opposite of how Teresa AND Melissa dress their daughters.  Also, I will not encourage them to pretend like they're models on a runway. 

 

Because the last thing I need is to have my daughter freebasing fun dip or snorting pixie sticks all for the sake of practicing to be a model.  NO THANK YOU.  Also, there's just something about Teresa's little girls on stage that's a bit...sexual to me.  Like, she's prepping them to use their bodies to make money.

May not want to go down that road, Tre.

Joe Guidice at the launch party on the step and repeat--he's already super drunk, right?  Thank goodness he's not legally allowed to drive.  Teresa didn't invite Jacqueline to the Fabullini (ugh) launch party!??!  I thought they made up?  I'm so confused.  Teresa, you're the worst.  Oh wait, she's giving a perfectly rational explanation.  "I decided not to invite her because she hurted me.  For no reason.  I definitely don't hold grudges, but it'll just never be the same...This is the thing:  you can't stab somebody and then try to bring them back to life.  It's too late then.  The person's dead!"  That makes total sense.  And DEFINITELY sounds like someone who doesn't hold a grudge.

Okay you have to watch carefully, but at one point during the launch party, they cut to this crazy lady with spiky hair dancing by a piano, and I SWEAR I thought it was Liza Minnelli.  LUCILLE TWO IN THE HOUSE, Y'ALL!

HOW GRAND!

The return of Dina is not nearly as graceful as she'd probably like, since she wipes out on the carpet like three seconds after showing up to the launch party.

 And who is this guy with Dina, rubbing her swollen ankle?  That's not her husband, right?  I'm like 99% sure it isn't.

I am SO uncomfortable with this radio show of Caroline's.  It's so awkward.  Eeks.  So much silence.  Why is no one in her family piping in and talking to fill the silence?!?!  I'm sure they're just editing out Caroline's full responses to these phone calls, but it seems like she does a terrible job of answering these questions.  She gives super short and vague responses and then gets rid of the caller.  Caroline, you might want to elaborate, friend.  You really need to fill the time.  Wouldn't it be great if someone crazy called in.  LIKE DANIELLE?!?!  PRODUCERS:  MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

Dina's not really coming across that great in this episode.  I still don't really see why she and Caroline are fighting and it's BOTHERING ME that she won't just turn to the camera and just lay it out for the viewers.  Dina, sweetie, make yourself worthwhile and spill the beans while you're obviously drunk on bellinis. 

HOLY SMOKES NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE LOOKS AMAZING.  Posh fashion show AND some d-bag confronting Melissa about working at a strip club??!?!?!  Might have to watch that bad boy live.
   

Countdown to Baby

Well I figured I'd do a quick update on what's happening here.  I don't have much to say, so this may just be a short post with some bullet points.

So I'm 35 1/2 weeks pregnant....4 1/2 weeks to go.  Eeks.  I'm not saying I'm not excited to see my baby, but I would be very happy if she decides to be a little late.  Olivia, honey, momma loves you, but I just am NOT prepared for this child.  It's not that I'm convinced that I'm going to get myself together in the next 4 1/2 weeks and I'll have everything figured out and be the perfect and most prepared mother, but for the health of this child, I'd really like to wait awhile before she comes.  I've been so scatterbrained and overwhelmed lately that I know that if she comes early, I'll be so thrown off and frantic that I'll be really irrational.  Like, I'll probably birth the baby and then be like "SOMEONE STRAIGHTEN HER HAIR, FOR THE LOVE!"  The good thing is that I realize that's not normal, but I can't guarantee that post-partum Hayley will be so level-headed.  Like, as they're discharging me from the hospital, I'll probably just be like "WE NEED TO STOP AT TARGET ON THE WAY HOME TO BUY A WREATH.  SHE CAN'T BE BROUGHT HOME TO A HOUSE WITH NO WREATH."  I'm just expecting a lot of irrational behavior and stream of consciousness thinking.  So please, God, let this baby be on time or late.

Let's see...what else.  Well I've officially (as of about 2 weeks ago) lost my belly button.  Now it just looks like I've dropped a peanut M&M under my shirt.  I've also completely stopped running, which was a major concession.  This will be the second week that I have NOT run in my second trimester, and it's kind of killing me.  Everytime Jacob goes out for a run, I feel like I should be going.  The day that Jacob and I decided I should stop running just to be safe, I was really wanting to go, but he surprisingly put his foot down and said that he really thought I shouldn't.  So I had to sit there and watch him stretch and feel like a total blob.  Then he went running and I was like "okay, cool.  I'll just sit here and watch some tv." 

So yeah, that's kind of driving me crazy, not getting any real exercise.  I know it's better to stop now while I'm still feeling good and before anything happens to me or the baby or I get overheated or something like that.  It just sucks, you know.  And I know it's all mental so I just need to get over it.  It's just hard to sit around and feel like a total fatty while Jacob is out running several miles.

 

My last ultrasound, which was a couple of weeks ago, the baby weighed 5lbs!  She's above average for weight, so she already takes after her momma.  I've got another ultrasound in two weeks, so we'll see what they say she weighs then.  If she's already at like 7 something pounds, I might have to think more seriously about this epidural.

Today I had an appointment to meet with a potential pediatrician.  I can't explain why, but it was stressing me out SO BAD.  I (my mom) came up with three pages worth of questions to ask, so I already felt like kind of a nerd going into the appointment with my notebook.  But I was really happy with how the appointment went.  The doctor is actually the pediatrician that I went to until we moved to Missouri in high school, and I always really liked her, so I think it's going to be a good fit.  The only downside is that because of my nervousness combined with my pregnancy hot flashes, I could NOT stop myself from sweating during the appointment.  And the chairs in the examination room were leather, which ALWAYS makes me sweat, even when I'm not hot.  So by the time the doctor and I finished talking and she was walking me out, I was praying she wouldn't notice the pool of sweat I'd left behind in the chair.  I didn't want her to be like "oh my!  Did your water break?!"  Nope, I'm just very nervous and I don't do well with leather.  My life is so awkward.

Physically I'm still doing okay.  I feel pretty huge and I feel like I'm attached to the toilet with a bungee cord because I'm going pee like every ten minutes.  If I'm standing for too long, the pain in my feet goes from uncomfortable to unbearable.  Imagine if someone stood on the Sears Tower and dropped a cinder block onto your feet.  That's how it feels when I'm on my feet for more than an hour.  It's not great.  Other than that, I'm doing pretty good.  Some days I'm way more tired (and irritable) than others, but that's typically when I have a lot going on.  I will say that I am really looking forward to the day that I can put on underwear and/or shorts without feeling like I'm going to fall face first onto the ground.  When you've got a watermelon attached to your stomach, it's way harder to pull something up from your ankles than you'd think.  Really, what I would give for a walker with some tennis balls on the legs.  That would be a huge help to me, honestly.

Thanks to Jacob's brainpower and muscle, we made HUGE strides on the nursery last weekend.  The beadboard and chair rail are up, now I just need to do the painting and touch up painting to the walls and the room will be done!  I'm hoping to have that done by this Saturday so then I can put some pictures up.  I'm SO happy with how it's coming along though.  And my mom and I have finished one curtain and hopefully will finish the other tomorrow, so once we get those finished and hang the curtain rods, the room will be like a real nursery!

Other important things in my life:  Dance Moms.  Here's the thing.  I'm not even gonna blog about that last episode with "Black Patsy".  I don't like being given something so completely manufactured by the producers and being told it's real drama.  NOT BUYING IT, LIFETIME.  So yeah, that's just not gonna happen.  This week's Dance Moms...nothing really stood out to me, honestly.  I was loving how extraordinarily tan/orange Kelly is these days.  Other than that, there wasn't much I found that entertaining.  Except for one thing...Presented without comment, I give you the highlight of this episode of Dance Moms:

 I take that back.  I do have one comment: