Monday, April 30, 2012

Massage Fail

Let me explain how the events of Saturday morning came to pass.

Last Wednesday, I noticed an annoying pain on the top left part of my back, underneath my left shoulder blade.  As the day went on, the pain went from being an annoyance to a maddening, uncomfortable pain.  I asked Jacob for a back rub before bed, which helped slightly, but I woke up the next morning with the pain worse than the day before.  I told my boss about the pain in my back and she told me that during her last pregnancy, she'd had back pain that she couldn't shake the whole time, and at times she'd just break down crying because it was so frustrating and painful and it wouldn't go away.  Not what I was wanting to hear.  She recommended her Chiropractor, but like my mother, I'm a bit skeptical of that profession, so I said I was considering getting a massage to see if it would work out the pain.  Jodi was a huge help; she went through the phone book for me, writing down a list of places that she had been and really liked that I should try to call.  Her top choice was going to be able to get me in that day, but when I told them I was pregnant, they said they weren't comfortable with that and cancelled my appointment.  I was devastated.  The next place I called was the place Jodi said was the best in town.  She said they were super hard to get into, but that I should just try to see if they could squeeze me in because it would be worth it.  Unfortunately I got no response after like 10 tries, so I moved on to the next place on the list.  This lady, Pam, said the soonest she could get me in was Saturday morning, 10am.  Not knowing if I could get anything sooner, I snatched up the appointment.  Because my back was hurting so bad, I continued calling back the lady (Nikki) that Jodi said was the best.  I must have listened to her voicemail about 20 times that day, and finally called it quits Friday morning.  I figured she wouldn't be able to get me in before the Saturday appointment, so I just stuck with that.

Now, I should say, in my entire life, I've never had a massage before.  I have ALWAYS wanted one, and I ask for one at basically every holiday.  Here I am, though, massage-less up until this point, and I was crazy with excitement and anticipation for Saturday morning.  So Saturday morning rolls around and my back is killing me, but Jacob had gone out and got me blueberry muffins for breakfast, and I was able to sleep in a bit before my appointment, so I was feeling pretty good about how the day was going to shake out.  I was leisurely enjoying my muffin and orange juice when I realized it was 9:47, and I needed to get the heck out of there.  I frantically got dressed, but then got really self-conscious because of the underwear I was wearing.  I just had on a normal pair, but they were sort of cheeky, so I didn't want her to feel like she was staring at my butt cheeks the whole time, so i was like, "Uh oh.  Better change underwear!"  So I run back into my room and put on a pair I thought would give me more coverage, get dressed again and head out.  I had never seen the place I was going to, and I only had their address to go off of, which is pretty dangerous for me.  It's a general rule in my world that the first time I drive anywhere, I get lost.  Doesn't matter how easy it may seem, if I'm driving to a location for the first time, I'm guaranteed to make at least one wrong turn AT BEST.  So in anticipation, I had scribbled down the intersection and address on the piece of paper I had the appointment time on.  As I got close to the area, I didn't see anything but houses, so I was like "oh crap....I'm super lost".  At this point it's like 9:59 and I'm super frazzled and so I do a U-turn in the middle of the street.  I see a sign on the side of a building a few blocks down that says massage on it, so I'm like "YES!  There it is!!"  I pull up, but can't find the door to the massage place.  I run into the nearest door (a hair salon), and as I'm running up to the closest hair stylist to ask how I get to the massage place, I trip on the carpet and nearly take the girl out.  She takes a step away from me and quickly points the way to the massage place, which I run happily into.  I should have thought it was strange when the room I went into was just a small waiting area with 2 chairs and no lights on.  There was a door inside that had a sign on it that said "Quiet, Massage in Session", but there was no soul in sight, so I had no way to say I was there for my appointment.  I waited awhile, proud of my good fortune that I'd been running so far behind but the masseuse didn't know I was late since the previous appointment was going over.  I started to get a bit frustrated, though, and at 10:09, I sent a text telling Jacob things were weird and I wasn't sure what was happening.  Immediately I got a call from Pam (the masseuse) saying "Hi Hayley, I had you down for a 10 am massage?"  I was like "Yeah...I'm here" which is precisely when it clicked that I was in the entirely wrong place.  Between the piece of paper that I'd scribbled the address onto (which was the original list of places Jodi had written me), and calling the other masseuse, Nikki, dozens of times to get in earlier, the other massage place must have seeped into my brain, because that's where I was.  I stuttered and stammered my way out of the (thankfully) empty massage place, and blamed my unfamiliarity with the town on my perceived retardation to Pam on the phone as she tried to give me directions where to go.  I was so overwhelmed with having to find the place, knowing I'd get lost, that the masseuse stayed on the phone with me and stayed outside until I got there.  Talk about embarrassing.  She was super duper nice about it, but I just felt like such an idiot.  In my defense, she was working out of an old house (that I had driven right by previously) that didn't have the best signage.  Ugh.  Not a great start.  I was apologizing profusely, and she led me upstairs to get started.  We went over the pain I was having and she had me get down to my underwear and get under the blankets.  When she left, I sent Jacob a quick text to update him, letting him know that I am, in fact, an idiot, and that I'd gone to the wrong place.  I started to undress, worried she'd come in before I finished, so I was just haphazardly tossing my clothes into a pile as they came off.  I dove onto the table as soon as I got down to my underwear, but realized that I'd put on a pair that offers more cheek coverage, but sags way low.  That's when I realized that she'd be seeing like an inch of my butt crack the entire time.  Horrified, I mentally beat myself up over my choice of underwear until I realized I had other issues--I'd left my socks on, which I'd pulled out of the dirty clothes in my rush to get ready.  I didn't know if massages normally included foot rubs, but if that was offered, I DEFINITELY wanted one.  But at this point I knew it had been several minutes and she was likely to walk back in any second.  Did I want to chance leaning over, and hanging my naked top half out of the covers to pull my socks off?  I decided it was worth the risk, and as I was pulling off my right sock (top half of my body COMPLETELY exposed), the door opens.  I flung the sock across the room and awkwardly said "sorry!" and went back to burying my face on the table.  I agonized over the fact that I'd only gotten one sock off and was like "should I say something?!?! Should I ask her to take my other sock off???  What if she doesn't even do anything with my feet?!"  I reassured myself that she would probably not even get to my feet, and since I was under the blanket, she'd never even know that I only had one sock off.  I had just enough time to let myself relax at the thought when she said "I'm just going to prop your feet up with this pillow."  So up go the blankets and she's grabbing my ankles and putting a pillow below them...Oy.  I'm sure she already thought I was deranged, but seeing me in one dirty tall sock with absolutely nothing on the other foot probably really troubled her.  I wanted to explain, but at that point, I figured it was worthless.  The appointment continued on in this awkward vain as I tried to subtly figure out what to do with my arms and how my face was supposed to fit in the hole.  After several minutes, I realized it shouldn't feel like my cheeks are being split open, so I tried be cool about inching myself up.  I thought I played it off really well, and was much more comfortable once I had my face in there better, but then the face part started squeaking.  With every rub, as my body would move, the bed would make this loud squeaking sound and I just wanted to yell "SORRY, I ACCIDENTALLY WENT TO THE WRONG PLACE BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT IT'S BECAUSE I CALLED THE OTHER LADY SO MANY TIMES AND I PUT ON UNDERWEAR ON ACCIDENT THAT SHOWS A LOT OF BUTT CRACK AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE TOWEL PULLED DOWN LOW TO RUB MY BACK BUT I CAN JUST FEEL THE DRAFT ON MY BUTT CRACK AND I ONLY GOT TO TAKE ONE SOCK OFF BECAUSE THE BLANKET WAS FALLING DOWN AND MY BOOBS WERE EXPOSED AND MY FACE HURT IN THIS THING SO I MOVED UP BUT NOW IT'S MAKING NOISE AND I DON'T WANT TO MOVE AGAIN BECAUSE IT WOULD BE OBVIOUS."   Ugh, I just felt like such an idiot, you guys.

 Unfortunately, because I was so late, she was only able to do a half hour, which was glorious, but went by way too fast.  Overall, for my first massage experience, it was....awkward. I don't think I'd go back to her solely for pride.  I'm sure she thinks I'm a complete idiot and I don't blame her.  The massage felt awesome, and I'd love to have another one, I'm just not really to mentally beat myself up like that for awhile.  Unfortunately, I haven't felt much relief in my back, either.  It felt better after the massage, but it's gone back to being really uncomfortable, so I've been using the heating pad for relief.  Hopefully it feels better soon, because if I break down and need a massage again, I'm pretty sure she won't answer my phone calls.                

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