Jersey: Explosions in Napa

Okay it's taken me awhile to get this post together for a few reasons. Obviously this episode was full of stuff so it took me awhile to get through it (you end up pausing frequently when you write 17 pages of notes) and I have a lot to say. Monday night was monopolized by my poor brother and his never ending car problems.  After dinner, Jacob and I had to go to my brother's office to jump his car.  Bless him.  And Tuesday my mom came over and we worked on curtains for the baby's room.  We ALMOST got one curtain done in the six hours, but I consider that pretty successful because there are so many steps to making these curtains.  And it doesn't help when the two people making them are totally OCD.  Hopefully by this time next week we'll have the curtains done and I can put a picture up.  I'm already REALLY happy with how they're turning out, and I love how they go with the wall color, so I can't wait to see the whole thing together.  So today was packed with shopping at the outlet mall for baby clothes and shoes for Jacob.  I know you people with jobs probably think your life is busy, but...come on.  You're not trying to plan your day around episodes of Criminal Minds, about 40 bathroom trips, handwashing dishes, and constantly wondering if you've got enough peanut butter to make it to the next day.  IT'S PRETTY BUSY OVER HERE.

So let's get to RHONJ, shall we?  This episode was really great.  We only learned a few new things, but really this episode was the culmination of a fight that's been brewing all season long.  It was pretty interesting to see Teresa and Caroline go at it, and I'm kind of surprised at how I reacted to it, but we'll get to that in a bit.  Let's start the recap.

Of freaking course the Joes want to end this fancy dinner party in the hot tub.  These guys aren't satisfied unless they're (at least) half naked in a close proximity to each other.  Can these two just get it on already so we can stop with them needing to disrobe around each other constantly?  I'm not big on drinking games (especially not at 34 weeks pregnant), but if you are, you should come up with some game that involves taking a drink everytime one of the Joes is shown shirtless, or brags to the other about his sexual prowess.  You'd be so drunk at the end.

WHOA, Kathy with the "Obviously there isn't any family love because I wasn't included in the toast."  I did not see that coming.  That's a burn.  I figured she'd just roll her eyes and let that slide, but she stood up for herself.  Good for you, Kath.

All of these related people in the hot tub is pretty weird, right?  It's making me uncomfortable.

Also, please roll your shorts back down, Joe.  That is way to much leg.

Don't get me wrong, it's great that the hot tub is superheated because there is a lot of bacteria floating around in there right now that need to be killed.  But that water must be pretty dang hot because Kathy's whole face is beading up with sweat.  Jump in the pool and cool yourself off, lady!

It's interesting to me that Jacqueline says Kathy and Teresa are talking loud and everyone can hear them from the hot tub.  It really doesn't seem like they're talking that loud to me.  That's it...that's really all I have to say about that.

Albie and Chris look like they're going to LOSE it when Teresa tells Kathy that Caroline and Dina have issues.  Just because those Manzo boys are total goofballs doesn't mean they can't get pissed.  I'd watch what you say, Teresa....

Melissa looks really uncomfortable on the couch by Jacqueline while Caroline badmouths Teresa.  AWKWARD.

So the discussion between Kathy and Teresa ends and Teresa runs off to her room to "change to her robe."  I'll never be able to explain why, but I totally felt like she was sneaking off to have the runs.  Anyone else get that vibe or is that just me projecting?

  

Otherwise why change your robe but leave your wet bathing suit on unless you want a yeast infection, know what I mean?

Back from "changing her robe", Teresa joins the other ladies on the couches and immediately Caroline starts up with her.  I have to be honest, I do feel kinda bad for Teresa here...Teresa has been pretty nice this whole trip, and it really seems like Caroline is looking for a fight.

She's got every right to be hurt by the cookbook thing, but obviously Teresa will never understand that, so you kinda have to be the bigger person and move on.  It just seems to me like Caroline is holding on to this frustration for longer than she needs to.  Honestly, if this is what this whole fight is about, I'm not buying it.  I think there are some deeper issues here that aren't really being addressed.  Maybe Caroline is disgusted with how two-faced Teresa is--talking bad about her family for years and then suddenly reconciling with them, constantly proclaiming the importance of family.  But even if that's the heart of the issue, that's not really Caroline's bone to pick with Teresa as much as it is Kathy and Melissa's.  The thing I think that bothers Caroline the most is that Teresa is still very good friends with Dina, but Caroline and Dina aren't speaking.  Something's obviously going on there, and I think Caroline might be jealous of that relationship and hurt by that situation.  I can see that creating much more animosity than just some snippy quip in Teresa's cookbook.

FINALLY, Joe Guidice admits that they get paid by InTouch for articles. 

 We've all known that, but thank you for finally admitting it.  He probably didn't realize when he admitted it that Teresa has been denying that forever, but it's nice to hear some truth finally come out of that family.  "If she needs to make money, then God bless her, but don't blame somebody else."  THANK YOU CHRIS, well said.  That's the frustrating thing about all this magazine drama.  Joe and Teresa can't keep deflecting blame when things are said about other cast members to tabloids.  They can no longer say "I can't control what the magazine writes."  Well now that we know they're paying you for your info, we know you can control what they write because they are getting all their info from you.

After Caroline and Teresa say they're disgusted with each other and Caroline calls Teresa a disgrace, Teresa turns to Kathy and says "Are you happy now, Kath?"  I thought she was against passive aggressive comments?!  Don't blame this all on Kathy--she was trying to help you, you dummy.

UH OH.  Chris is about to confront Joe about talking crap about the Lauritas.  How much do you want to bet that stupid Joe just brushes it off with some dismissive and dumb comment like "So what, no big deal" or "Ehh I can't control what you hear."

For the record, people of the internet, I would NEVER talk bad about Chris Laurita.  That's a dangerous game.  Plus, he's my favorite.

Joe's response to Chris's frustration at Joe for talking crap, AND I QUOTE:  "Whatever the f-ing thing is, whatever it is, whatever."  YOU ALL OWE ME A MILLION DOLLARS.  Can we just look at that response one more time?

 "Whatever the f-ing thing is, whatever it is, whatever."

Has there ever been a more Joe Guidice response in the history of the world????  It says nothing, makes ZERO sense, and has the f word.  I couldn't have written anything more perfect than that if I tried.  

Can I get an Amen to Joe Gorga here, saying that just like Teresa, Joe can't take ownership of anything he does and shouldn't treat friends like that.  I don't know how anyone could be friends with the Guidices.  When they do something wrong, they never accept blame, they blame other people, and brush off people's feelings.  It's like yelling at a dog when they destroy something in your house.  You have every right to be mad and you can yell at them all you want, but they'll never really get it, they won't apologize and they'll probably do it again, given the opportunity.

All these men kissing each other is weird.  I know they're Italian, but...come on.

Now here's the thing.  Teresa complains about how she's had a hard year with family stuff and finances and Caroline responds "Always a victim, always a victim."  Okay, that's a little bitchy.  If she had said the truth instead of snark, maybe she could've gotten somewhere with Teresa.  What she should've said was "but we weren't allowed to ask you about your finances and family and the hard stuff you were going through!  We wanted to help you with all that and you got upset and offended at Jacqueline asking."  Because, honestly Teresa, you can't yell at people for asking personal questions and then cry about everything you're going through and try to be the victim.  Can't have it both ways.

OH GEEZ.  The guys are getting involved.  When Joe screams at Caroline, the look on Greg's face is priceless.  He's all "girrrrrrrrrl, I wouldn't."

"It was a f-ing joke in a f-ing book."  These Guidices will never understand what jokes are, I guess.

Again with the "IT'S FUNNY!" response to Lauren being upset about the 1/16 Italian comment.  If all these people are upset about it, Tre, it's probably not funny.  And you keep saying to Caroline, "I apologized, what more can I do?"  You can stop trying to excuse the snarky jabs you made in your book as funny.  If she was really sorry, she'd be like "I meant it as a joke, I thought it was funny, but you didn't.  I'm really sorry."  Don't just brush off her hurt feelings by saying "It's funny!  Ha ha!" every time it gets brought up.

Jacqueline just woke up, you guys!  

Looks like we'll get to see what she...Oh wait.  Back to sleep.

If I were Teresa, I wouldn't fight with Lauren.  That girl's been dieting for months now.  There's some deep-seeded rage and anger there.

I LOVE GREG.  I want screen grabs of every scared/excited face he makes during this fight while he just sits there in an ill-fitting bathrobe.

Oh geez.  That was a little rough when Teresa grabbed Kathy's chin.  Physical assault, in my experience, is not the greatest way to get someone on your side during an argument.

 Richie is NOT pleased with what Teresa just did.  He looks like a super angry Jeff Goldblum right now.  

I love that Teresa is mad at Kathy for telling her not to grab her face like that.  "You're my cousin, I didn't think that would offend you", she says, trying to make Kathy feel guilty and look like a jerk.  She might have the brain of a 6 year old.  If someone grabbed me like that, I would instantly turn into an angry black woman.  

The comment Teresa is talking about, where Richie asks how many trips to the mall Teresa's made, I don't see how that offended Teresa.  But I am glad that Kathy and Caroline called her on the irony of a "joke" offending her.  I love it.  She's just not capable of seeing things from someone else's perspective.  Richie says something as a joke and she's allowed to be hurt and tell the magazines about it and hold it against him.  She writes a "joke" about the Manzos, they get upset and she basically just keeps saying it was a joke and they aren't allowed to be offended.  It's really kind of mind-boggling how she doesn't get the similarities there.

I wish they had cut to Albert sleeping at the table with his mouth open during this whole episode.  That would've been amazing.

Joe comes out of his room, half dressed, telling Teresa that he's changed their flights for "business" and she needs to get packing so they can leave.  Teresa jumps up, squealing something I can't understand (I don't speak squirrel or dolphin) and she dances off to her room in excitement.  Okay, but let's get back to the matter at hand.  It's late.  What "business" does Joe need to rush back for?  What is his business these days, anyways?  Not pizza, right?  Is he still trying to buy that gas station?  Serious question; has he ever considered the waxing business?  Because I know he's gotta get his chest waxed no less than 3 times a week.  And who knows how frequently Teresa needs to wax her knuckles lip forehead eyebrows.

Teresa is in her room packing when Kathy comes to apologize for the argument between Teresa and Caroline.  Teresa's fake excitement is long gone and she's still mad at Kathy for reprimanding her for the face grabbing thing, saying "well yeah, I'm emotional I'm getting upset."  Yikes...isn't that the excuse abusive people say when they hurt you?  That you upset them and they couldn't help it and somehow you're to blame?  In all honestly and sincerity, that scares me.

Dina returns in the next episode, you guys!!  Maybe we'll get some more info about this tiff between her and Caroline....