Tuesday, August 21, 2012

RHONJ: The Endless Napa Trip

If you didn't watch Sunday's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey--WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!  Oh man.  SUCH a good episode.  And next week looks equally amazing.  It took me probably an hour and a half to get through this episode because I had to keep pausing to take notes.  I was totally sucked in.  I almost finished an entire bag of goldfish in one sitting.
Okay let's get right to it.  Like I said, I took a lot of notes and I found a bunch of pictures, so let's discuss.

What is it with the Joes?  Both claim to need daily lovin or they'll get really cranky.  Daily?!  I know they're dudes, but that's like, A LOT.  I'm gonna say what we're all thinking here.  They're faking it.

Teresa trying to sweet talk Joe by offering up her, umm, backside for some loving is so disturbing.  I had to put the goldfish down for awhile while she was propositioning him like that.  So nasty and weird.

Here's another reason Greg has won me over:  when telling Richie it's his turn to drive, Richie says that if Greg and Vito can do it, he can too.  Greg responds with "This isn't a magic carpet, Richie."  You make a racist cartoon joke 10 times, you'll get 10 laughs from me.  I can't help it.
Greg and Deloris forever!

Teresa relating her make-up conversation with Jacqueline to Melissa is maddening.  She talks about how one of the magazines used the word "terrified" to describe how Teresa felt.  "I don't think I said terrified.  I may have said afraid and they used terrified.  They're in the magazine business."  So now you are admitting that you talked to the magazines, right?!?!?!?!  Wasn't that her whole argument with Jacqueline?  That she can't control what a magazine prints and if she wanted to discuss something, she'd discuss it.  Well it sure SOUNDS like you discussed it with the magazine, so why can't one of your best friends ask what's going on?  
 "Once the magazine's written you can't do nothing about it.  It's like, why cry over spilled milk?"  Okay Teresa, yeah, there's nothing you can do once an article has been written, but people are still allowed to be offended and hurt by things you've said!  And you still owe them an apology.  It doesn't matter if it's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it, you're guilty of hurting someone's feelings.  Admit it and apologize.  Don't act like people arent' entitled to their opinion because you gave an interview 2 weeks ago.  Her logic just doesn't make sense.  She never sees the need to apologize for anything she's ever said.  Either she claims she can't control what the magazines are printing (despite obviously giving them interviews and soundbites), so she's not accountable for how people feel about what's said about them.  OR she uses the excuse that what she said was "Funny.  Ha ha.  Get it?"  

"Honey, I wanna do you in one of these vineyards!"  It's like Teresa's stealing all the romantic things I put in Jacob's anniversary card...

Can someone explain what this mansion/compound is that they're staying in?  Is this a HOUSE?!!?!  What dummy let these irresponsible morons stay in their home?

If there's one thing I know about Chris Laurita, it's that he doesn't take any BS.  So if I were one of these goons on this trip, I'd be on my best behavior.  Something tells me you DON'T want to cross Chris, especially when it comes to his business.

I'm embarrassed for how everyone is acting at this wine tasting.  It's awkward
I get that the Manzos and Lauritas are embarrassed and annoyed with the Gorgas and Guidices, but these people are idiots.  I mean, they're comparing a lion statue to some male genitalia.
 But what did they expect?  Best case scenario, how could that have gone down?  I think they're just lucky that neither Joe got undressed.   

This birthday surprise for Caroline is really sweet and all, but should a woman her age be wearing a tube top?  I'll say no, UNLESS she's doing it ironically and also wearing booty shorts and tube socks.

Chris Laurita is crying at all these speeches for Caroline?!  I love him.

Oh boy.  Joe's toast.  "We should still be friends, nevermind all the bullcrap."  Serious question, you guys.  Has anyone every considered that Joe may have Asbergers?  It would explain his awkwardness and terrible social skills.  Doesn't explain his terrible manner of speaking and grammar, so that may just come down to stupidity.

Anyone else think it's weird that at this sweet, classy vineyard dinner party for Caroline, Joe Guidice has his shirt unbuttoned basically to his navel?  I'm no Emily Post, but I'm not sure there should ever be exposed nipples at a dinner party.

CODE RED:  Joe Guidice just called his wife the c-word!!!!  NOT OKAY EVER.
I just can't imagine what kind of man would talk about his WIFE.  That way.  The mother of his children.  Honestly, he's more of a d-bag a-hole than I ever realized.  And that's saying something.
 Let's just tally this up, shall we?  So far in this 2 minute segment, he's called his wife a bitch, a c-word, a retard, and a pain in the ass.  Boy, what a great husband.  DEFINITELY worth keeping.  And CERTAINLY worth always trying to have sex with.  How can you not be attracted to that?
I really hope that she realizes when she watches this on tv that she's trying to get Joe to bang her in the vineyards right after he talked about her like that.  How does she have any self-respect??  Also, if you're husband is calling you a whore and refusing your advances, he PROBABLY isn't kidding.  He's just a jerk who doesn't care about you.  Is it weird that she wants to have sex in a vineyard, on camera, in the middle of a dinner party with a bunch of friends nearby?  Absolutely.  But at this point, I'll assume she's so emotionally damaged by how he treats her, she just thinks she's gotta do these things to please him.  It's actually really sad.  

So let's talk about the obvious drama here.  Joe's super shady phone call.  Here's the thing.  I've watched a lot of Bravo in my day.  Normally when someone's getting a phone call that's a gamechanger, they'll do captions and you can hear the voice of the caller.  They didn't do that here.  They only did captions for Joe.  To me that means that he wasn't talking to a woman.  I know it looks that way, and maybe he is having an affair, but in my opinion, if Bravo could've made it worse, they would have.  So they cut it to look like he was talking to a woman.  Now, even if he's NOT talking to a woman or having an affair, there is absolutely NO excuse for the way he talked about Teresa.  She may not be my favorite person, but to say things like that about/to your wife is completely unacceptable.  They can try to play it off like he was kidding and that's just his sense of humor, but that's obviously not it.  He treats her like crap and no one deserves that.  Imagine how their daughters will feel when they see their dad call their mom the c-word.  In my life, I've never used that word to describe any woman.  And I've known lots of bad women.  The whole thing really disgusts me and makes me feel bad for Teresa.  Then again, if she sees this and defends or excuses her husband's behavior, that's on her.  Because he's made it very clear the amount of respect he has for her.

Meanwhile, amongst the Guidice phone call drama and vineyard sex, Bravo cuts to the what the rest of the group is doing at dinner.  For whatever reason, we see Vito get up and dance for the whole table.  I can't explain why, but my visceral reaction to Vito is just a lip curl of disgust.  I just don't like the guy.  And I don't care for his dancing either.
 Lauren, you can do better!

Moving on to the next night, Jacqueline is doing Teresa's hair.  I'll be honest, I'm pretty jealous.  I want Jacqueline to do my hair.  And not just so we can giggle together, but because her hair always looks so good.  Might I remind you what I look like these days:

Once again, this whole stupid recipe fight is driving me bananas.  Teresa says that Kathy needs to stop making malicious comments for them to have a relationship.  "You don't see me making snappy remarks at her."  Might I remind you how rude you were about her desserts, Teresa?

WHY ARE ALL THESE WOMEN DOING EACH OTHERS HAIR?!  And why will no one do mine?????

Teresa's face looks pretty puffy during this dinner, no?  I can't really focus on anything else.

Everybody's outraged with Teresa for this mean toast, but let's not forget that she's preeeettttttttty dumb.  She may have just forgotten that Kathy was there.  Even if she was sitting right by her.  Really, though, I'm not sure it was meant to be mean.  She seemed like she went out of her way to say something about Chris and Jacqueline to reaffirm their makeup.  Same with Melissa and Joe.  I think she made it a point to toast to the Gorgas to be like "see how great I'm getting along with my brother and Melissa!!!".  I think she only threw Caroline in there because they had just had that dinner for her the night before and she was trying to be nice.  I don't think she intentionally left out Kathy.  Because she didn't mention any of the rest of the Manzo family OR Greg OR Vito, so to me, it was more about her proving how great she's doing, rather than leaving Kathy out.  But maybe I'm giving her more credit than she deserves. 

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