Jersey: Explosions in Napa

Okay it's taken me awhile to get this post together for a few reasons. Obviously this episode was full of stuff so it took me awhile to get through it (you end up pausing frequently when you write 17 pages of notes) and I have a lot to say. Monday night was monopolized by my poor brother and his never ending car problems.  After dinner, Jacob and I had to go to my brother's office to jump his car.  Bless him.  And Tuesday my mom came over and we worked on curtains for the baby's room.  We ALMOST got one curtain done in the six hours, but I consider that pretty successful because there are so many steps to making these curtains.  And it doesn't help when the two people making them are totally OCD.  Hopefully by this time next week we'll have the curtains done and I can put a picture up.  I'm already REALLY happy with how they're turning out, and I love how they go with the wall color, so I can't wait to see the whole thing together.  So today was packed with shopping at the outlet mall for baby clothes and shoes for Jacob.  I know you people with jobs probably think your life is busy, but...come on.  You're not trying to plan your day around episodes of Criminal Minds, about 40 bathroom trips, handwashing dishes, and constantly wondering if you've got enough peanut butter to make it to the next day.  IT'S PRETTY BUSY OVER HERE.

So let's get to RHONJ, shall we?  This episode was really great.  We only learned a few new things, but really this episode was the culmination of a fight that's been brewing all season long.  It was pretty interesting to see Teresa and Caroline go at it, and I'm kind of surprised at how I reacted to it, but we'll get to that in a bit.  Let's start the recap.

Of freaking course the Joes want to end this fancy dinner party in the hot tub.  These guys aren't satisfied unless they're (at least) half naked in a close proximity to each other.  Can these two just get it on already so we can stop with them needing to disrobe around each other constantly?  I'm not big on drinking games (especially not at 34 weeks pregnant), but if you are, you should come up with some game that involves taking a drink everytime one of the Joes is shown shirtless, or brags to the other about his sexual prowess.  You'd be so drunk at the end.

WHOA, Kathy with the "Obviously there isn't any family love because I wasn't included in the toast."  I did not see that coming.  That's a burn.  I figured she'd just roll her eyes and let that slide, but she stood up for herself.  Good for you, Kath.

All of these related people in the hot tub is pretty weird, right?  It's making me uncomfortable.

Also, please roll your shorts back down, Joe.  That is way to much leg.

Don't get me wrong, it's great that the hot tub is superheated because there is a lot of bacteria floating around in there right now that need to be killed.  But that water must be pretty dang hot because Kathy's whole face is beading up with sweat.  Jump in the pool and cool yourself off, lady!

It's interesting to me that Jacqueline says Kathy and Teresa are talking loud and everyone can hear them from the hot tub.  It really doesn't seem like they're talking that loud to me.  That's it...that's really all I have to say about that.

Albie and Chris look like they're going to LOSE it when Teresa tells Kathy that Caroline and Dina have issues.  Just because those Manzo boys are total goofballs doesn't mean they can't get pissed.  I'd watch what you say, Teresa....

Melissa looks really uncomfortable on the couch by Jacqueline while Caroline badmouths Teresa.  AWKWARD.

So the discussion between Kathy and Teresa ends and Teresa runs off to her room to "change to her robe."  I'll never be able to explain why, but I totally felt like she was sneaking off to have the runs.  Anyone else get that vibe or is that just me projecting?

  

Otherwise why change your robe but leave your wet bathing suit on unless you want a yeast infection, know what I mean?

Back from "changing her robe", Teresa joins the other ladies on the couches and immediately Caroline starts up with her.  I have to be honest, I do feel kinda bad for Teresa here...Teresa has been pretty nice this whole trip, and it really seems like Caroline is looking for a fight.

She's got every right to be hurt by the cookbook thing, but obviously Teresa will never understand that, so you kinda have to be the bigger person and move on.  It just seems to me like Caroline is holding on to this frustration for longer than she needs to.  Honestly, if this is what this whole fight is about, I'm not buying it.  I think there are some deeper issues here that aren't really being addressed.  Maybe Caroline is disgusted with how two-faced Teresa is--talking bad about her family for years and then suddenly reconciling with them, constantly proclaiming the importance of family.  But even if that's the heart of the issue, that's not really Caroline's bone to pick with Teresa as much as it is Kathy and Melissa's.  The thing I think that bothers Caroline the most is that Teresa is still very good friends with Dina, but Caroline and Dina aren't speaking.  Something's obviously going on there, and I think Caroline might be jealous of that relationship and hurt by that situation.  I can see that creating much more animosity than just some snippy quip in Teresa's cookbook.

FINALLY, Joe Guidice admits that they get paid by InTouch for articles. 

 We've all known that, but thank you for finally admitting it.  He probably didn't realize when he admitted it that Teresa has been denying that forever, but it's nice to hear some truth finally come out of that family.  "If she needs to make money, then God bless her, but don't blame somebody else."  THANK YOU CHRIS, well said.  That's the frustrating thing about all this magazine drama.  Joe and Teresa can't keep deflecting blame when things are said about other cast members to tabloids.  They can no longer say "I can't control what the magazine writes."  Well now that we know they're paying you for your info, we know you can control what they write because they are getting all their info from you.

After Caroline and Teresa say they're disgusted with each other and Caroline calls Teresa a disgrace, Teresa turns to Kathy and says "Are you happy now, Kath?"  I thought she was against passive aggressive comments?!  Don't blame this all on Kathy--she was trying to help you, you dummy.

UH OH.  Chris is about to confront Joe about talking crap about the Lauritas.  How much do you want to bet that stupid Joe just brushes it off with some dismissive and dumb comment like "So what, no big deal" or "Ehh I can't control what you hear."

For the record, people of the internet, I would NEVER talk bad about Chris Laurita.  That's a dangerous game.  Plus, he's my favorite.

Joe's response to Chris's frustration at Joe for talking crap, AND I QUOTE:  "Whatever the f-ing thing is, whatever it is, whatever."  YOU ALL OWE ME A MILLION DOLLARS.  Can we just look at that response one more time?

 "Whatever the f-ing thing is, whatever it is, whatever."

Has there ever been a more Joe Guidice response in the history of the world????  It says nothing, makes ZERO sense, and has the f word.  I couldn't have written anything more perfect than that if I tried.  

Can I get an Amen to Joe Gorga here, saying that just like Teresa, Joe can't take ownership of anything he does and shouldn't treat friends like that.  I don't know how anyone could be friends with the Guidices.  When they do something wrong, they never accept blame, they blame other people, and brush off people's feelings.  It's like yelling at a dog when they destroy something in your house.  You have every right to be mad and you can yell at them all you want, but they'll never really get it, they won't apologize and they'll probably do it again, given the opportunity.

All these men kissing each other is weird.  I know they're Italian, but...come on.

Now here's the thing.  Teresa complains about how she's had a hard year with family stuff and finances and Caroline responds "Always a victim, always a victim."  Okay, that's a little bitchy.  If she had said the truth instead of snark, maybe she could've gotten somewhere with Teresa.  What she should've said was "but we weren't allowed to ask you about your finances and family and the hard stuff you were going through!  We wanted to help you with all that and you got upset and offended at Jacqueline asking."  Because, honestly Teresa, you can't yell at people for asking personal questions and then cry about everything you're going through and try to be the victim.  Can't have it both ways.

OH GEEZ.  The guys are getting involved.  When Joe screams at Caroline, the look on Greg's face is priceless.  He's all "girrrrrrrrrl, I wouldn't."

"It was a f-ing joke in a f-ing book."  These Guidices will never understand what jokes are, I guess.

Again with the "IT'S FUNNY!" response to Lauren being upset about the 1/16 Italian comment.  If all these people are upset about it, Tre, it's probably not funny.  And you keep saying to Caroline, "I apologized, what more can I do?"  You can stop trying to excuse the snarky jabs you made in your book as funny.  If she was really sorry, she'd be like "I meant it as a joke, I thought it was funny, but you didn't.  I'm really sorry."  Don't just brush off her hurt feelings by saying "It's funny!  Ha ha!" every time it gets brought up.

Jacqueline just woke up, you guys!  

Looks like we'll get to see what she...Oh wait.  Back to sleep.

If I were Teresa, I wouldn't fight with Lauren.  That girl's been dieting for months now.  There's some deep-seeded rage and anger there.

I LOVE GREG.  I want screen grabs of every scared/excited face he makes during this fight while he just sits there in an ill-fitting bathrobe.

Oh geez.  That was a little rough when Teresa grabbed Kathy's chin.  Physical assault, in my experience, is not the greatest way to get someone on your side during an argument.

 Richie is NOT pleased with what Teresa just did.  He looks like a super angry Jeff Goldblum right now.  

I love that Teresa is mad at Kathy for telling her not to grab her face like that.  "You're my cousin, I didn't think that would offend you", she says, trying to make Kathy feel guilty and look like a jerk.  She might have the brain of a 6 year old.  If someone grabbed me like that, I would instantly turn into an angry black woman.  

The comment Teresa is talking about, where Richie asks how many trips to the mall Teresa's made, I don't see how that offended Teresa.  But I am glad that Kathy and Caroline called her on the irony of a "joke" offending her.  I love it.  She's just not capable of seeing things from someone else's perspective.  Richie says something as a joke and she's allowed to be hurt and tell the magazines about it and hold it against him.  She writes a "joke" about the Manzos, they get upset and she basically just keeps saying it was a joke and they aren't allowed to be offended.  It's really kind of mind-boggling how she doesn't get the similarities there.

I wish they had cut to Albert sleeping at the table with his mouth open during this whole episode.  That would've been amazing.

Joe comes out of his room, half dressed, telling Teresa that he's changed their flights for "business" and she needs to get packing so they can leave.  Teresa jumps up, squealing something I can't understand (I don't speak squirrel or dolphin) and she dances off to her room in excitement.  Okay, but let's get back to the matter at hand.  It's late.  What "business" does Joe need to rush back for?  What is his business these days, anyways?  Not pizza, right?  Is he still trying to buy that gas station?  Serious question; has he ever considered the waxing business?  Because I know he's gotta get his chest waxed no less than 3 times a week.  And who knows how frequently Teresa needs to wax her knuckles lip forehead eyebrows.

Teresa is in her room packing when Kathy comes to apologize for the argument between Teresa and Caroline.  Teresa's fake excitement is long gone and she's still mad at Kathy for reprimanding her for the face grabbing thing, saying "well yeah, I'm emotional I'm getting upset."  Yikes...isn't that the excuse abusive people say when they hurt you?  That you upset them and they couldn't help it and somehow you're to blame?  In all honestly and sincerity, that scares me.

Dina returns in the next episode, you guys!!  Maybe we'll get some more info about this tiff between her and Caroline....

It's a Hard Knock Life

Waiting for his dad to get home in quite possibly the most pathetic way ever.

Dance Moms: Annual Dance Recital

It's been way too long since we've discussed what's REALLY important in life:  Dance Moms.  I haven't really been able to see every episode so far of this season, but here's a quick update; all the moms are still crazy and Jill's a blond.  Okay, we're caught up.  In this most recent episode, Abby starts off by saying this week the girls won't be competing, but they will be performing in the annual Abby Lee Dance Company concert.  It does seem like a legitimately large production, considering all the dance classes she does, but what I want to know is, if this show is so big and important, why are the girls just learning their dance the Monday of that week?  Surely that's just bad editing, right?  And they've been working on this for awhile?  You'd think for a concert that size, the last week would be dress rehearsals and finishing touches as far as logistics and lighting and costume changes.  Not learning an ENTIRELY new dance.  Not to mention that Abby just casually mentions they'll be doing every dance they've performed that season.  HUH?!  SURELY NOT, RIGHT?!  I mean, these girls go to a different competition every week and do a brand new number each time.  Then there's always like 3 solo numbers and maybe a trio.  If they're performing EVERY number, how freaking long is this concert, like 6 days?!

So anyways, concert rehearsal is underway, and Abby has decided to have the girls do a hip hop number.  Everyone seems a bit baffled, since admittedly this group is much more classically trained, but since that's what Abby wants, that's what they'll do for the recital.

At some point we're re-introduced to Peyton's mom, Leslie.  In case you've forgotten which one she is, she's the hefty blond who's also borderline psychotic.  She runs into Jill in the parking lot (after they both do a terrible job of parking) and takes full advantage of the rolling cameras to just start spouting out secrets of all the other moms.  Even Jill, who's pretty imbalanced, seems uncomfortable with everything that's being said.  How long had Leslie been holding onto that story about Melissa taking Leslie to meet her new boyfriend on Halloween?  And could anyone else follow that story?  I really tried to pay attention, but I just couldn't.  I also don't buy that Peyton was trick-or-treating with Maddie and Mackenzie.  She's like 5 years older than them!  Doesn't that girl have any friends her own age/size????

I'm also very confused about why Leslie is so mad at Jill for coming back to Abby's studio.  She keeps yelling at her things like "Go find another place for your daughter to dance!" and "Why would you put your daughter through all this???".  I'm sure she thinks her screams are constructive and helpful, but they're quite aggressive.  Also, keep in mind she's just dropped off her daughter for practice at Abby's.

 

I really love how Cathy's playing up these mysterious tickets to Abby's concert.  She keeps saying "I wonder who gave these to me.  I don't know where I got them!"  I'm pretty sure they were just handed to you from a producer, Cathy.

By the way, Cathy, can we PLEASE get a quick update on how your husband's jerky store is doing?  I'd love to hear if that's in the black yet.

Back to rehearsals at Abby's, we see she is VERY upset at the girls for not being very good at their hip-hop dance.  To prove how "bad" they are, she brings in Peyton to do a some moves and prove how good she is at it.  I honestly don't understand why she's made this so difficult.  If you want a hip hop routine in the show, have Peyton's group do it, not that group that isn't as good at it.  This is totally within your control, Abby.  That'd be like if Jacob asked me to make homemade bread like his mom does and I said "I really don't want to.  Your mom's is better and I don't know how to make it."  But then he made me and when it came out tasting terrible, he was like "Why does this bread taste bad??  Here, taste my mom's so you know how bad yours is."  I get it dude, I said I couldn't do this when we started the whole thing.  If you want homemade bread, get your mom to make it.  I mean, it's not the greatest analogy, but the whole situation seems like pointless drama to me.

Peyton's mom easily wins the award for the most obnoxious mom.  Her criticism of Paige dancing while injured is really annoying.  Here's the breakdown for you Leslie, since you seem so confused by the whole thing:  Paige's foot is broken, so she can't dance.  Her mom (Kelly) said she could be in the number if she was in the back and only moved her upper body.  Somehow the choreographers didn't get that memo and they had Paige dancing and now her foot is jacked, so Kelly is pulling Paige out of the number to prevent more damage to her foot.  Capiche?  Leslie just keeps screaming about Paige being at rehearsal and being in the number and really isn't listening to anyone's explanation.  At one point, even Paige tries to speak up to say that she tried to tell the instructors at rehearsal she wasn't allowed to use her feet, but Leslie completely shuts her down, yelling "I didn't hear you!" 

NO.  You're not gonna yell at a 12 year old.  Not okay.  Plus, she probably didn't hear Paige because 1) she wasn't on stage with the dancers and instructors and 2) She was probably in the middle of screaming about someone else's business.

Okay I'm really really confused about what's happening here with Kelly.  She and Leslie were fighting about Paige, and Kelly stormed off and now they're all saying she's quit the studio for good??  Are they sure that's what she was doing?  I just figured she left early because Leslie is annoying and Paige is injured so she's not in the concert anymore.  This seems like it's getting waaaaaaaaaaaaaay blown out of proportion.  OKAY AND NOW THE MOMS ARE ALL IN A BAR.  What is happening?!?!!?!?!  Why are they all going out together to celebrate?  And are they at a gay bar?  Because none of these guys look straight.  Or of legal drinking age.  They're saying they are celebrating because they're excited that Leslie won't be coming back.  Huh?  I thought they just said Kelly was the one who quit?  I'M SO CONFUSED.

THE FIRST PERSON TO GET ME A SCREEN GRAB OF MELISSA WEARING SOME REEBOKS WITH HER NICE DRESS GETS $5.

So it's the next day of rehearsals and Brooke and Paige are back, obviously.  Why did everyone think that was her quitting for good when she stormed out?  That happens like once per episode where the moms fight with each other and/or Abby and storm out yelling "I'm done!!  I'm not going to put my daughter through this!"  And then they're always back the next day.

Oh boy.  Cathy is showing up with her goon squad to take notes on what she doesn't like about Abby's concert...super classy.  And of course she's brought Vivi, who looks like she's been heavily medicated in order to sit through the whole recital.

YOU GUYS.   The outfits for this hip hop number remind me SO MUCH of the episode of Full House where Stephanie dances to Motown Philly.

 

Such a great episode.  So complex.  In fact, let's just take a minute to break this whole thing down.  So here's whats happening in the episode.  Stephanie has started going to dance classes and of course she's a natural.  She's like Maddie--she's the standout student in the class and she gets featured in all the group dances because of her natural talent.   Pretty early on in the episode, we're clued into the pressure Danny is putting on Stephanie to be some hot shot dancer.  So as she's limbering up backstage for the big performance, her dad comes back to tell her that some guy from some hot shot dance school has come to watch her dance (pervert) and if he's impressed, she'll be accepted into this summer dance program.  Stephanie, feeling her personal freedom slipping away as dance takes a firmer grip on her life, says "all summer?  So I'll spend my whole summer dancing?"  Danny, oblivious to his daughter's hesitations and desires to just have a hobby and not take dancing so seriously, reaffirms that the school will basically consume her entire summer/life.  Disappointed, but unsure how to say no to her dad, who's proud of her for once in her life (middle child syndrome), Stephanie takes the stage and quickly butchers the dance moves, thus screwing over her whole dance group.  She runs off stage, unable to finish.  Bit of foreshadowing (laziness?) on the producer's part here, because this is not the first time she messes up, ruins the group's dynamic and runs off stage during a performance.  Go here to watch her murder a classic song.  Okay, so anyways, Stephanie runs offstage and is joined by the rest of her dance group and her dad in an attempt to console her.  She confesses that she messed up on purpose because she doesn't want to go to dance school over the summer because dance is becoming too demanding.  Despite being pretty sneaky and manipulative about it, rather than just telling her dad originally that she didn't want to do the summer thing, everyone understands Steph's motivation and forgives her.  Still jazzed about the routine (and who wouldn't be in those hats!?), the group decides to give it a second shot and of course they totally dominate. 
A few things I'd like to say about this dance number. 

• I went to pull this video up and remembered EVERY SINGLE MOVE.  Looks like someone else (me) has a natural dancing ability.  
• [0:17]  Danny looking over at the talent scout from the dance school is creepy.  Dude, Stephanie said no.  
• [0:30]  That Medusa/Wax On-Wax Off move is pretty good.  
• [0:38]  I know Michelle is still really little but she SUCKS at clapping.  Obviously Stephanie is the only one in the family with any rhythm.  That must kill Uncle Jesse since he makes his living as a musician. Yep, still know the words to the whole song.  It's cool, I had it on my iPod for awhile. 
• [0:46]  That booty shake move is pretty legit.  If I were a club-goer, I'd totally steal that.
• [0:59]  Let's all re-watch that move that goes with the line "kickin it just for you."  I honestly can't tell if Stephanie is WAY off the beat, kicks much too high, or if everyone else just doesn't kick.  I've watched it like six times and I'm just so distracted by how off it seems that I can't focus.  
• I wish they'd done a dance to the whole song.  Motown Philly is probably one of the greatest songs of the 90's.  They paid for the rights to the song.  Get your money's worth, Full House!!!

Okay so what were we originally talking about?  Dance Moms?  Yeah, I don't even care about that anymore because all I want to do is breakdown episodes of Full House.  But anyways, back to Dance Moms I guess.

During Abby's concert, they keep cutting to Cathy, who's full of hilarious and what I'm sure she thinks are scathing critiques on the recital.  "No backdrops!?" she manages to scoff, with REPULSION on her face. That's awesome.  Hilarious and awesome.

At some point, while they're showing all the dances happening at the concert, we see a snippet of Maddie doing a solo, dressed as a mailman.  That's weird, right?

The concert is over and there are A LOT of people crying, both on stage and in the audience.  Did we miss something?  What's happening here?

Okay I take that back, because Nia winning that scholarship almost made me cry, for real.  So proud of her!!

 Abby and Cathy meet up after the show, and it's deliciously awkward because Abby's clearly PISSED that Cathy showed up, but doesn't want to sound bad in front of prospective students and their parents.  It comes out that Jill invited Cathy and her crew to come watch the show to "see how well Kendall fits in."  Which seems exceptionally strange, especially considering how mad that would make Abby.  She's still trying to get on Abby's good side, right?  So what is the matter with her?!  I do feel kinda bad for Abby, because Cathy is obviously just trying to poach some new recruits from the crowd.  If I were Abby, I wouldn't care who was watching, I'd kick her the heck out.

And don't come back, know what I mean?

 

Ultrasound

Any minute (hopefully) I'll be called back for my ultrasound. Here's hoping this little baby is as active as she was during the drive down here, when she thought it was funny to try to make me wet my pants. I'm 33 1/2 weeks and I'm really hoping this is my last ultrasound because it's kind of a pain to drive down to the medical center for an 8 am appointment.

RHONJ: The Endless Napa Trip

If you didn't watch Sunday's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey--WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!  Oh man.  SUCH a good episode.  And next week looks equally amazing.  It took me probably an hour and a half to get through this episode because I had to keep pausing to take notes.  I was totally sucked in.  I almost finished an entire bag of goldfish in one sitting.

 

Okay let's get right to it.  Like I said, I took a lot of notes and I found a bunch of pictures, so let's discuss.

What is it with the Joes?  Both claim to need daily lovin or they'll get really cranky.  Daily?!  I know they're dudes, but that's like, A LOT.  I'm gonna say what we're all thinking here.  They're faking it.

Teresa trying to sweet talk Joe by offering up her, umm, backside for some loving is so disturbing.  I had to put the goldfish down for awhile while she was propositioning him like that.  So nasty and weird.

Here's another reason Greg has won me over:  when telling Richie it's his turn to drive, Richie says that if Greg and Vito can do it, he can too.  Greg responds with "This isn't a magic carpet, Richie."  You make a racist cartoon joke 10 times, you'll get 10 laughs from me.  I can't help it.

Greg and Deloris forever!

Teresa relating her make-up conversation with Jacqueline to Melissa is maddening.  She talks about how one of the magazines used the word "terrified" to describe how Teresa felt.  "I don't think I said terrified.  I may have said afraid and they used terrified.  They're in the magazine business."  So now you are admitting that you talked to the magazines, right?!?!?!?!  Wasn't that her whole argument with Jacqueline?  That she can't control what a magazine prints and if she wanted to discuss something, she'd discuss it.  Well it sure SOUNDS like you discussed it with the magazine, so why can't one of your best friends ask what's going on?  

 "Once the magazine's written you can't do nothing about it.  It's like, why cry over spilled milk?"  Okay Teresa, yeah, there's nothing you can do once an article has been written, but people are still allowed to be offended and hurt by things you've said!  And you still owe them an apology.  It doesn't matter if it's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it, you're guilty of hurting someone's feelings.  Admit it and apologize.  Don't act like people arent' entitled to their opinion because you gave an interview 2 weeks ago.  Her logic just doesn't make sense.  She never sees the need to apologize for anything she's ever said.  Either she claims she can't control what the magazines are printing (despite obviously giving them interviews and soundbites), so she's not accountable for how people feel about what's said about them.  OR she uses the excuse that what she said was "Funny.  Ha ha.  Get it?"  

"Honey, I wanna do you in one of these vineyards!"  It's like Teresa's stealing all the romantic things I put in Jacob's anniversary card...

Can someone explain what this mansion/compound is that they're staying in?  Is this a HOUSE?!!?!  What dummy let these irresponsible morons stay in their home?

If there's one thing I know about Chris Laurita, it's that he doesn't take any BS.  So if I were one of these goons on this trip, I'd be on my best behavior.  Something tells me you DON'T want to cross Chris, especially when it comes to his business.

I'm embarrassed for how everyone is acting at this wine tasting.  It's awkward. 

I get that the Manzos and Lauritas are embarrassed and annoyed with the Gorgas and Guidices, but these people are idiots.  I mean, they're comparing a lion statue to some male genitalia.

 But what did they expect?  Best case scenario, how could that have gone down?  I think they're just lucky that neither Joe got undressed.   

This birthday surprise for Caroline is really sweet and all, but should a woman her age be wearing a tube top?  I'll say no, UNLESS she's doing it ironically and also wearing booty shorts and tube socks.

Chris Laurita is crying at all these speeches for Caroline?!  I love him.

Oh boy.  Joe's toast.  "We should still be friends, nevermind all the bullcrap."  Serious question, you guys.  Has anyone every considered that Joe may have Asbergers?  It would explain his awkwardness and terrible social skills.  Doesn't explain his terrible manner of speaking and grammar, so that may just come down to stupidity.

Anyone else think it's weird that at this sweet, classy vineyard dinner party for Caroline, Joe Guidice has his shirt unbuttoned basically to his navel?  I'm no Emily Post, but I'm not sure there should ever be exposed nipples at a dinner party.

CODE RED:  Joe Guidice just called his wife the c-word!!!!  NOT OKAY EVER.

I just can't imagine what kind of man would talk about his WIFE.  That way.  The mother of his children.  Honestly, he's more of a d-bag a-hole than I ever realized.  And that's saying something.

 Let's just tally this up, shall we?  So far in this 2 minute segment, he's called his wife a bitch, a c-word, a retard, and a pain in the ass.  Boy, what a great husband.  DEFINITELY worth keeping.  And CERTAINLY worth always trying to have sex with.  How can you not be attracted to that?

I really hope that she realizes when she watches this on tv that she's trying to get Joe to bang her in the vineyards right after he talked about her like that.  How does she have any self-respect??  Also, if you're husband is calling you a whore and refusing your advances, he PROBABLY isn't kidding.  He's just a jerk who doesn't care about you.  Is it weird that she wants to have sex in a vineyard, on camera, in the middle of a dinner party with a bunch of friends nearby?  Absolutely.  But at this point, I'll assume she's so emotionally damaged by how he treats her, she just thinks she's gotta do these things to please him.  It's actually really sad.  

So let's talk about the obvious drama here.  Joe's super shady phone call.  Here's the thing.  I've watched a lot of Bravo in my day.  Normally when someone's getting a phone call that's a gamechanger, they'll do captions and you can hear the voice of the caller.  They didn't do that here.  They only did captions for Joe.  To me that means that he wasn't talking to a woman.  I know it looks that way, and maybe he is having an affair, but in my opinion, if Bravo could've made it worse, they would have.  So they cut it to look like he was talking to a woman.  Now, even if he's NOT talking to a woman or having an affair, there is absolutely NO excuse for the way he talked about Teresa.  She may not be my favorite person, but to say things like that about/to your wife is completely unacceptable.  They can try to play it off like he was kidding and that's just his sense of humor, but that's obviously not it.  He treats her like crap and no one deserves that.  Imagine how their daughters will feel when they see their dad call their mom the c-word.  In my life, I've never used that word to describe any woman.  And I've known lots of bad women.  The whole thing really disgusts me and makes me feel bad for Teresa.  Then again, if she sees this and defends or excuses her husband's behavior, that's on her.  Because he's made it very clear the amount of respect he has for her.

Meanwhile, amongst the Guidice phone call drama and vineyard sex, Bravo cuts to the what the rest of the group is doing at dinner.  For whatever reason, we see Vito get up and dance for the whole table.  I can't explain why, but my visceral reaction to Vito is just a lip curl of disgust.  I just don't like the guy.  And I don't care for his dancing either.

 Lauren, you can do better!

Moving on to the next night, Jacqueline is doing Teresa's hair.  I'll be honest, I'm pretty jealous.  I want Jacqueline to do my hair.  And not just so we can giggle together, but because her hair always looks so good.  Might I remind you what I look like these days:

Once again, this whole stupid recipe fight is driving me bananas.  Teresa says that Kathy needs to stop making malicious comments for them to have a relationship.  "You don't see me making snappy remarks at her."  Might I remind you how rude you were about her desserts, Teresa?

WHY ARE ALL THESE WOMEN DOING EACH OTHERS HAIR?!  And why will no one do mine?????

Teresa's face looks pretty puffy during this dinner, no?  I can't really focus on anything else.

Everybody's outraged with Teresa for this mean toast, but let's not forget that she's preeeettttttttty dumb.  She may have just forgotten that Kathy was there.  Even if she was sitting right by her.  Really, though, I'm not sure it was meant to be mean.  She seemed like she went out of her way to say something about Chris and Jacqueline to reaffirm their makeup.  Same with Melissa and Joe.  I think she made it a point to toast to the Gorgas to be like "see how great I'm getting along with my brother and Melissa!!!".  I think she only threw Caroline in there because they had just had that dinner for her the night before and she was trying to be nice.  I don't think she intentionally left out Kathy.  Because she didn't mention any of the rest of the Manzo family OR Greg OR Vito, so to me, it was more about her proving how great she's doing, rather than leaving Kathy out.  But maybe I'm giving her more credit than she deserves. 

Sleepyhead

Dogs are like people, but better.

Procrastinating

You may notice this is my second post for the day.  Why, you ask?  Because I have to make my grocery list and go to the store, and I'm doing anything I can to blow that off.  Of probably more importance, I'm supposed to be setting up appointments to meet with Pediatricians for little baby.  And what have I been doing?  Listening to music from Wicked and searching for funny RHONJ pictures.  I think I'm having like the opposite effect of nesting right now.  My house is messy and I'm in denial about things that need to get done.  I'm also thinking about painting my nails.  PRIORITIES PEOPLE.

Jacob was out of town for a bit this week.  He left on Monday and came back last night, so you know what that means.  Crafts.  I finally finished the pillow I made to go with the glider.

 That beautiful black silhouette you see is sweet Oscar.  He wouldn't move when I was trying to take the picture.  Anyways, you get the idea.  It's just a cream pillow with a diamond texture to it.  I'm really happy with how it turned out.  And the project cost me like...$4?  Something crazy cheap.  Also, I decided to do a canvas with an "O" in buttons for Olivia's room.  Quick aside, you guys.  Joann Fabrics is like, the best.  Thanks to Hannah, I'm currently obsessed with it.  I always find the cutest fabric there.  Do I know how to sew?  No.  Does that stop me from buying fabric anytime I go there?  No.  So I bought this pink patterned fabric there the other day to use as the background for the canvas.

The buttons were actually the most difficult part of the project.  In more ways than one, I guess.  I had a REALLY hard time lining up the buttons on the canvas so it looked like an O and the color was fairly well balanced.  That's really not the best project for someone with borderline OCD to do.  But what was really hard was FINDING the buttons.  Do you know how difficult it is to buy a variety of green buttons?!  Harder than you think.  You can get some at Hobby Lobby, but they come in packages of like 3 and they're $2.  That might not seem like much money, but when you need a ton of buttons, that adds up pretty quick.  Anyway, I'm happy with how it looks.  Like I told Dana, I wish I'd had the foresight to turn the canvas sideways and do her monogram rather than just the first letter of her first name, but oh well. Another thing I learned from this project (while putting the fabric on the canvas) is that dogs HATE the sound of staple guns.

Most of you have already seen these, but a couple of weeks ago, we had a friend take some maternity pictures for us.  I have to say, I'm so glad she did it and I LOVE how they turned out.  I'm definitely going to frame one of Jacob and I for the baby's room.  This one is probably my favorite:

 Well, specifically the one on the left is probably my favorite.  Not so much the one on the right, since it looks like I've hatched some evil scheme and am working on luring Jacob into it unknowingly.  At least, that's what I get out of it.  If you want to see more, you can go to her blog.  Thanks again, Tanya!

Last weekend was my baby shower!!!  Hannah and her mom did an AWESOME job with it, and everything was amazing.  We got so much good stuff for the baby, and I am already feeling very overwhelmed by the number of thank you notes I need to write.  I've been writing a few each day, but it just takes me forever!  I spend like 20 minutes on one and then I want to quit.  I'm thinking I might just fill the next several in with a smiling stick figure that's saying "Me likey present" and be done with it.  That's sincere enough, right?  But really, everything was amazing and I'm so grateful to everyone that came and especially to Hannah and her mom for putting on such a great shower.

 FYI, I make VERY expressive faces when I'm happy and/or excited, so.....you can see I very much enjoyed the shower.

Thanks again to everybody! 

So I gave up on my ridiculously long hair.  It was just getting to be too annoying.  Plus it was breaking all of my hair things because it was getting heavy, so I chopped it off yesterday.  I'm gonna be honest, I knew ahead of time that I'd hate whatever the lady did.  And I was right.  I went in with this picture, hoping to get longish layers that would be easy to work with.

 I know she's an Olsen, but I really love her.  Plus she's got like the greatest hair.  So yeah, I knew I wasn't going to come out LOOKING like that, but what I got was...awful.  I look like a dude.

 

On the plus side, Jacob's always saying he wants me to cut my hair short, so WISH GRANTED.  For real, though, I'm back to looking like Jodie Foster in Freaky Friday, which isn't good for anybody.

 

RHONJ Napa part 2

Just a few quick thoughts on Sunday's episode.Honestly it was pretty boring though so I don't have much...

Reminder: Vito is disgusting

Joe Gorga talking about surfing is almost enough to make me barf my PB sandwich. He says "surfing makes me horny, looking like a big black condom"

 

Honestly, saying that is weird enough, but saying that and then cutting to him and his SISTER side by side in their wetsuits while they skate around is....not normal.

You guys, Chris talking about Jacqueline's body is actually pretty sweet. He doesn't normally come off as the super loving husband, so I think it's super adorable for him to say that he was looking forward to seeing her in a wetsuit. I love them so much.

The Gorgas and Guidices shouldn't be sharing an RV. This is way too incestuous. Between the Joes comparing penis sizes and Melissa pulling up Teresa's dress to smack her butt, things are getting WEIRD.  Blurred or not, I don't EVER want to see Joe Gorga pull his pants down.  And in front of his sister?!?! UGH.  That's enough to make me freak out.  And not a good freak out.

Joe Guidice seems like the MOST obnoxious drunk ever.

Okay Jacqueline crying because Teresa's ankle hurts is really sweet. If Teresa ever says she's not a good friend, she's a big stupid idiot.

How did they end up with such a feast when they all said there was no food left and all they could find at the store was chicken broth and buns?

Lauren is kind of overreacting to her brother's comments, but everyone in her family basically mocking her for having her feelings hurt is messed up. Caroline should at least shut up Chris and Albie. The girl feels like crap, just give her a break for a little bit, you know? Chris and Albie make fun of her, she gets upset and now she's the a-hole? Makes sense.

GEE CAROLINE, I WONDER WHY LAUREN FEELS LEFT OUT AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH?!?! Maybe because your family is constantly mocking her weight. Or maybe because her brothers purposely told her that Albie's girlfriend moved into their apartment over a walkie talkie just to annoy her. Or maybe because when her brothers pick on her, everyone laughs at them and tells her she's just over sensitive. Maybe that has something to do with if.

Poor baby Jacqueline. All she ever wanted was to know what was happening to her best friend which is the ULTIMATE betrayal in Teresa's eyes. I know Jacqueline is my favorite, but I honestly still don't see what she did wrong. I don't get how she can even talk to Teresa because she doesn't understand logic. "Don't cry, you should just ask me"

-- Teresa, what are you even talking about?!? Her asking you what was happening is what got y'all into this mess to begin with!!!!!

Okay well that's it. Like I said, this week was pretty boring.  I'm a little mad at Bravo (you especially, Andy Cohen).

The teaser they ran for Sunday's episode was where Joe takes the "business" call that obviously has nothing to do with work where he calls Teresa the B-word.  I WANTED TO SEE THAT.  And now I have to wait until Sunday?!  FALSE ADVERTISING!  BAIT AND SWITCH!!  I'm mad at you Bravo.  I don't appreciate that.

FOUR YEARS!!

Alright you guys, it's about to get all mushy up in here, so if you don't want to read me bragging about how great Jacob is, best move on.

 So today is Jacob and my 4 year wedding anniversary.

When I think about how nervous I was that day, it still makes me want to vomit.  Not that I was nervous to marry him, but the idea of walking down the aisle, saying my vows in front of everyone, and generally being the center of attention all day makes my stomach church.

Over the past four years, things have changed, seemingly month to month with us.  We've lived in Ohio, North Dakota and now back in the great state of Texas.  We've had 3 houses, 6 apartments, 4 cars, 2 dogs, and a baby on the way.  Things change constantly with us (although hopefully that's slowing down now!), but I love Jacob and feel closer to him everyday.  For our wedding, my friend Joy sang this song:

I can't explain the cheesy imagery in the video, so sorry about that.  But really, I love that song and I still think it was the perfect song to sing for our wedding.  Is Jacob perfect?  Definitely not.  Does he sometimes drive me completely bonkers?  Absolutely.  But I couldn't imagine not being married to him.  He makes me happy every single day, even when he drives me nuts.  I get so excited every afternoon when I know he'll be home soon.

And when he walks in the door, I'm like one of the dogs, excited and giddy he's home, following him around the whole house.

I can't imagine anyone else who could make me laugh like he does.

So thanks, Jacob, for being a pretty awesome husband.  Even though you can stress me out more than any other person on the planet, I love you and I can't wait till our daughter sees how baller we are.

Baby Art

I have been a busy little bee since Jacob's been gone. At least as far as crafts go. Housework....ehhh not so much. So I finished the set of paintings for the baby's room-they're the three striped pictures with animal silhouettes. The other is just a canvas I'm going to put somewhere in her room. I cut out a bunch (probably like 250) of circles out of paint samples I hoarded from Home Depot and glued them on in rows, staggering them to look like scallops. I'm happy with how it turned out, mostly because it was a SUPER cheap and really easy project. And it was fast. I did the whole thing while watching Crazy, Stupid Love. So yeah, I guess I'm at a standstill with my projects for now. Though there's no telling what I'll come up with in the next two days while waiting for Jacob to come home. I think sometime next week, my mom and I are going to have a sewing day, so I'll get to make the pillow to go with my glider, and we can get started on the curtains for the baby's room, which I am REALLY excited about. One thing is for sure, I need to stay away from any sort of craft store. I've recently developed an obsession for fabric, which has led to two Hobby Lobby trips and one Joann trip THIS WEEK. I don't even know what to do with all the fabric, but it takes all my will power to not be like "I'll take six yards" every time I see a fabric I like. Which is very often. Perhaps Hannah needs to teach me how to quilt, so I can make excuses about regularly needing to buy multiple fabrics of varying prints.