REUNION PART TWO

You guys, I can't even get over how excited I am about part two of this reunion.   I am LOSING MY MIND.

 If I could get this jazzed about the birth of my child, I bet she'd drop already and just slide out. 

Okay so we're picking up with the Rosie meltdown in the background. 

 I'm reminded of how terrified I am of lesbians.  (STEREOTYPE AHEAD, PEOPLE) As much as gay men are silly and fun and goofy, I'm pretty sure all lesbians, when not plumbing or adopting or planting, are VERY ANGRY.  That may not be entirely factual, but that's my experience.  So...yeah, I am scared of Rosie.

In defense of Rosie, I would be pretty pissed if someone was talking about my dad if he had died.

"I think basically, you guys are just trying to hurt each other."  Andy Cohen, psychiatrist, ladies and gents.  Gotta love him for it.  I'm still kinda upset with Kathy for talking bad about Teresa's parents.  You're better than that, Kathy.  Really.

Quick thing, you guys, and this is really important and relevant to the reunion:  I really love this area rug.

Look at Lauren, calming down Rosie!  That's pretty amazing.   Honestly, no one's really giving Lauren enough credit for taming the beast there.  I bet since we couldn't actually see what was happening, she was giving Rosie a Home Depot gift card.  Home improvement is like aromatherapy or massage to lesbians, I'm pretty sure.

I'm proud of Melissa for yelling at Teresa and telling her she can't play the victim, but honestly, I'm sooooo distracted by all the bronzer and baby oil Teresa has between her boobs.

I love the footage of Rosie talking about coming out.  Honey, lemme just say, you don't have to come out to anyone.  We alllllll know.  You're family has ALWAYS know, kay?  So Andy just asked Rosie about coming out to Kathy's kids.  "They're so sweet with me, they never even realized I was gay."  Girl, please.  You are FOOLING yourself.  They may have been like "oohhhh, you're gay?  What?  I had no idea!" just the same way you'd say to someone "what pimple?  Oh that quarter sized red bump on your forehead.  Yeah, I guess I see it, but I would NEVER have noticed if you hadn't said anything."  Rosie, they were being nice.  You look like Ralph Macchio and Megan from Bridesmaids had a baby.  And then that baby dressed like Charlie Sheen.  Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

 I rest my case.  They never thought you were straight, okay?  No judgement, I'm just saying.

Andy looks SO proud of Rosie coming out.  Or maybe he is laughing on the inside like "Listen lady, you don't need to come out..."

YOU GUYS!  Jacob is sitting here while I watch this (he wants me to add that he's watching clips of A&M Football and drinking beer) and he heard Andy ask Rosie how Kathy handled him coming out.  His response: "HANG ON.  Why did she need to come out?  No one thinks she's straight."  Seriously, I think Jacob and I are soulmates.  I laughed so hard and told him I'd just dedicated an entire paragraph to that and he just nodded and went back to his beer and football.  I love him so much.

I need someone to find me a gif of Andy saying "I've been there, sister" when she says no one knows the pain she went through to come out.  I need that gif, and I want to use in in EVERY SINGLE POST FROM NOW ON.

I'm a little confused why Teresa insults Kathy with "stop with the BS, you and your fake nose and fake lips."  Oooookay.  We all know you have breast implants.  How is that different?  How does her getting a nose job and lip injections make her fake, but your fake breasts don't?  Look, I got no problem with plastic surgery.  If someone wants to pay the bill for me, I'll go get lipo right after the baby is born.  But I don't think you can get plastic surgery and then make fun of someone else for doing it.  ESPECIALLY with this cast.  Every single person on this show has plastic surgery.  Who do you think you're kidding???  And Jacqueline pointing to her own nose and lips as Teresa says that is awesome.  And if you're gonna insult someone about plastic surgery, I'm sorry, but NO ONE can ever beat Kim G's insult to Danielle--"you're a f-ing old lady, with your fake and square tits!".  That's gonna win every single time.

I am really happy that Kathy just apologized for what she said about Teresa's mom.  Shouldn't have said it in the first place, but at least SHE can acknowledge when she's wrong, unlike Tre. Good job, Kathy.  You're back on my good side.  Now please make me a cannoli.

 If I were an alcoholic, I would play a drinking game where I had to take a sip every time Teresa blinks.  I would be drunk so fast.

Poor Teresa can't even think of a single time that Caroline bullied her.  She can't think of anything.  I guess "the whole season" counts?

OH BOY.  Talking about Dina.  WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE US THE BACKSTORY THERE?  I still want to know what started the fighting between Dina and Caroline, since they were already not on speaking terms when everything went down with Teresa.  Andy Cohen, please ask the appropriate questions during part 3 of the reunion.

I've really started to like Melissa, but this montage of her "fame" makes me uncomfortable.  I don't want to hear her and Joe talk about their sex life and I really don't want to listen to her music.  OH GEEZ.  Melissa is singing now.  That's so strange.  And now Teresa tells her she needs to sing the whole song.  This is terrible.  Oh boy--not nearly as bad as Teresa singing.  "BRING ME FISH, BRING ME TILAPIA, BRING ME CLAMS."  What is happening here? Teresa, I know you're trying to prove a point, but it'd be tough to cook up some seafood in the middle of this reception hall at the Borgata.  It doesn't exactly have the amenities of a gourmet kitchen. 

Yay!  Flashback to to Danielle!  Ahhh the good ole days, when we all thought Teresa was normal.

Teresa's really all talk because the second Melissa touches her arm, she threatens to press charges.  She's all about the legal barriers here.  HOLY SMOKES!!!  Teresa just said "She wrote 'On Display' about me!"  Remember last week when I said I'd never seen narcissism displayed so perfectly?  I WAS WRONG.  This is a better example.  I don't want to get all Dr. Science on you, but according to the DSM-IV (I used to really want to be a psych major), the following characteristics define narcissistic personality disorder:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

• Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

• Requires excessive admiration 

• Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

• Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

• Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her

• Shows arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes.

  So now we can all agree, right?  I really think there's NO denying she's a textbook narcissist.

Girl done lost her mind.  "YOU CAME ON THE SHOW TO DESTROY ME!"  I'm beginning to think Teresa's gone off her meds, guys.  At this point she's just saying the most outlandish things she can think of.  Surely she doesn't mean it, right?  Surely she's being ironic???  And now she's bowing down, thanking God that Caroline and Jacqueline are out of her life.

 Bless her.

Okay Andy's just brought in Joe.  Can someone please give us a clear ruling on the pronunciation of their last name.  Since when is it pronounced Jew-dee-chay?  Hasn't it always been Jew-dice?  That's how everyone has said it up until now.  Why is it changing???

Joe's chest is already grossing me out.  The open neck with the wide collar is just too much.  Also, I feel like each time I see him, his face is swallowing his eyes even more.  One of these days we're going to see him and he will be without eyes.  Those beady little rat eyes.  May actually be an improvement.  Really quick, what's the prediction on how Joe defends his sleazy behavior?  I'm guessing he says something like "whatever, it's a coworker, ehhhh whatever."  Something super eloquent like that.  And I guarantee Teresa will defend it with "ohh well he was drinkin."  Let's see.....Wait.  WAIT.  What is this footage of them renewing their vows?????  Was that in an episode I missed?!  I'm telling myself that all of that was just recently shot, because, if I had to guess, based on Teresa's dress, hair, and hair accessory, I would have assumed it was 1994.  THAT'S BAD.  Okay, back to Joe being a sleazeball.  Joe on all the readers' reaction to who he was talking to: "Ehhh I know a girlfriend, whatever."   That's pretty good, Joe. Way to come across as contrite and embarrassed.  I don't understand why Teresa is defending Joe for using the c-word about her.  I'm really confused now.  Andy just asked Joe why he would speak in another language if it was a coworker he was speaking to.  "It wasn't another language.  He put another guy on the phone, a Spanish-speaking pizza guy."

 Well....technically Spanish is another language, so there's that.  Also, does ANYONE buy that?  Joe can't even look up from the rug when he says it, and Andy's just staring blankly at Joe like "dude, you had a year to think of an excuse and that's what you're giving me?!"  Joe seems pretty pleased with himself for going to the jewelry store and getting Teresa a lot to make up for calling her the c-word.  You can smirk all you want guy, but it's despicable that you'd talk to your wife like that.  And the fact that Teresa is fine with it as long as she gets some jewelry in return is ludicrous.  Materialistic, much?  Oh, and hey, remember your bankruptcy???  Maybe you shouldn't be talking about all the money you spent on jewelry to "apologize" for calling your wife the b and c-words. 

Joe to Jacqueline: "really, who gives a crap if he cheated on you?  Nobody cares."  He doesn't really get these reunions, huh?  This is what they do, idiot.  They talk about all their drama and all the stuff that they're pissed at each other for.  And, to answer your question, Jacqueline cares if her husband cheats on her, and Jacqueline cares if Teresa insinuates that Chris and Jacqueline's relationship isn't authentic.  I mean, I just don't get this guy.  Of course she'd be upset that Teresa said that.  Who wouldn't?!

Uh oh, looks like Joe woke the beast in Jacqueline by dismissing the whole Chris cheating thing.  Now she's calling him out for cheating on Teresa.  Not surprisingly, Teresa and Joe are denying it.  SHOCKING.  I definitely believe Jacqueline, but at the same time, I'm not sure I can buy anyone ever having sex with Joe.  Now Joe is saying to Melissa "I don't think anyone gives a crap about your marriage." 

 Dude, seriously, I know you blow everything off, but if you watched the show you'd see that Teresa is pretty much obsessed with and consumed by Melissa and Joe's marriage.  There's really no denying that.   She's decided she needs to let the world know it's fake, so I'm not sure you can say nobody gives a crap about her marriage.  Because Teresa definitely does.  Uh oh.  Teresa's called Melissa an opportunist and everyone is LOSING THEIR MIND.  I can't even keep up with what they're all saying.

So the episode ended, which really and truly makes me sad.  I can't even bring myself to delete it, which says something because I delete stuff off our DVR super compulsively.  Next week is going to be incredible with the husbands and Kim making an appearance.

 My thoughts on both reunion parts so far are that I feel like a lot of specific scenes have gone unaddressed.  I don't know if Andy's just having a hard time keeping things on track, because everyone obviously came ready for a fight.  But we haven't talked about either of the massive fights between Jacqueline and Teresa (about the magazine and at Melissa's launch party).  Also, they normally do some filler questions during these reunions.  Just light-hearted or unimportant questions to move between topics, and we haven't had any of those.  They haven't talked to Caroline about the boys and BLK or Lauren and Caface (ugh).  Not that those things are important, but they got a lot of screen time during the season, so you think Andy would get an update.  I don't know.  Maybe they'll address some of that stuff in part three, but since they still have the entire Posche Fashion show to discuss, I just don't know how they can get to all of it.  Maybe they'll surprise me, though.

Here's hoping if I have the baby in the next week, I'm at least home and can watch the episode on Sunday, because if I'm in the hospital I will NOT be happy that I can't blog my thoughts.  Come on, people.  Priorities.