First impressions of this reunion: Budget Andy Cohen sucks, and Christi's got some REALLY bad extensions in.
Really though, what's the deal with fake Andy Cohen's face? It seems like his face is melting right? Bad face lift? Bad Botox? I don't know what it is, but he's making me uncomfortable.
I must just be spoiled by Bravo reunion shows because I totally miss Andy Cohen.
I'm wondering about the editing of this reunion already. Christi's eyes look super duper puffy to me. So either this is edited to look like the beginning, but really they've already covered a lot of drama and Christi did a ton of crying. OR she's not used to these fake eyelashes she has on and they're weighing her eyelids down. I don't know which is the reality, I think they might both be.
It's too bad that Abby talks so much with her hands because she's got the grossest hands and fingers of anyone I've ever seen. Very clawlike, very bejeweled. Ick. All I can think about is how much food gets trapped under her fingernails.
We're halfway through this reunion and I'm boooooooored. So far there's not been much of substance.
I still don't see why Kelly called Abby a whore. I mean, calling her fat, sure. Calling her gross, definitely. Calling her mean, absolutely. But a whore? The only companion Abby has ever had is her dog, Broadway Baby, so I don't think that whore is really that great of an insult, you know? It really doesn't apply to Abby, so it's not like it's gonna sting.
Okay, hearing about Christi's childhood and that it was hard is sad and all, but here's the thing. If you say you had a hard childhood and you want to give your daughter this great amazing childhood you always dreamed of, WHY would you send her to Abby for so many years, knowing Abby's going to yell at her, bully her, and belittle her? It just seems counter intuitive.
Oh boy, bringing out the big guns with Cathy. Please, anything to up the drama here because I'm still bored. They can try to talk sense into Cathy all they want, but lady is crazy. You're just gonna talk in circles to her. I mean, what sane person just comes out with "I think I have more class than you."? I love that Cathy's saying that she's a business person, when she's constantly acting like a crazy stalker. Also, I don't know if you can claim to be a business person when your husband runs a JERKY STORE. It's not like he's some groundbreaking entrepreneur.
Why in the WORLD did they need to break this reunion into two parts?! The first part was so dang boring. And why do they need to bring in Black Patsy for the reunion? She was in one episode and she really wasn't that interesting. I'd rather have Peyton's mom on the reunion. That lady's all kinds of crazy and you know she'd start either making things up about the women or telling stories that they wouldn't want on camera. Make it happen, Lifetime.
So we've finally finished the nursery! Hooray! Well I guess technically we aren't quite finished since I haven't hung any of her pictures up yet or set up her monitor, but still. You'll get the idea. I'm guessing we'll get the pictures hung this weekend, but I'm not necessarily as worried about that as I was about, you know, her having a bed.
Here's the wreath I made for her room. The bow is a bit tilted in this picture which is totally setting off my OCD, but I'm trying to ignore it.
Her dresser! And you can see the beadboard in the background that Jacob did an AMAZING job on. You can also see the handsome devil who wanted to help take pictures of his sister's room. His brother was in the room as well.
Her closet. It looks like she has a lot of clothes, but they're all different sizes, so it's not like she's got all that to wear right away. She'll probably only fit into like one of those right away...
Her bed--Jacob figured out the bumper, so I guess I am mentally handicapped. Good thing I married someone so smart!
The bed, curtains and Oscie boy, who loves laying in front of sister's window.
The curtains! I'm so happy with how they turned out. They were a ton of work, but I really like them. And I'm extremely thankful I have a mom who's very patient and helped me through every second of making them.
I figured I'd put a closeup of the fabric so you could see the texture of the khaki and the print at the bottom (pink toile).
So yeah, now we just need some hung pictures, the monitor and perhaps a throw rug for the middle of the room. Once we put the furniture in place, it was like, holy smokes, this room is huge. So it looks a little empty. I'm thinking an area rug in the middle might help that, but I'm not really going to go looking for one. Oh, and the bassinet is put together in our room. I'll have to take a picture of that one of these days. Thankfully the dogs have been pretty uninterested in all of it so far. But I have a feeling once the baby shows up, they'll be extra curious.
Part 1 of 2 for the Jersey finale was all about the set up for the big explosion between Melissa and Teresa. Next week is going to be the real doozy, but this week was not bad.
Okay there's the set up for the "apology" phone call to Melissa about Kim D. gossiping about the Gorgas, which really was just a way for her to invite her to the Posche fashion show. I mean, we all know drama is coming, but it's a decent enough set up by the producers.
Joe and Teresa trying to teach their kids Italian....oh boy. First of all, since Joe can never do the same thing for more than five minutes, I don't think this is going to be the most successful attempt to try to make their kids bilingual. It takes a long time and a lot of practice to learn another language, so...pretty sure these kids have no chance. This seems like the worst way to try to teach kids another language. Just saying sentences to them in Italian doesn't really teach them anything. Might want to start smaller, Tre. Like simple words or common phrases that they can pick up quickly. Also, trying to teach a 9 year old and a 1 year old at the same time doesn't really seem that smart. They probably have different brain capacities and attention spans. But what do I know, I'm not professor. Also, I'm not sure why she's decided to set up her living room as a classroom and make the girls all have notepads. Clearly this is just for the cameras, but still. It annoys me. Can somebody just get these kids Rosetta Stone and be done with all this? I'd like to remind everyone that I dislike Gia. Oh good, Gia's the teacher now. Makes sense since she's fluent and all. UGH.
Eww, I always forget how gross Kim D is. She's really got an unfortunate face. I love the flashbacks to Posche fashion show when everyone attacked Danielle. Those were the good ole days, you know. When Teresa tells Kim that Caroline said she didn't want to be friends with Teresa anymore, it's like you can see the bulb going off over her head. "Ohhh drama....let's hear it so I can get involved even though I have nothing to do with the situation." She's such an instigator. And again, she's pretty repulsive. Her mouth looks like it got crushed under some sort of dungeon steel door. Lips shouldn't protrude like six inches when your mouth is closed.
Oh my gosh, I feel so bad for Albie's girlfriend when they host brunch. I think I would cry if I was her when Caroline says they can smell the food all the way down the hall and asks "wanna open a window?". I'd be convinced that my food smells, I smell, my apartment smells and I'm the worst person that ever lived. Passive aggressive comments really get to my soul. Also, I know we've seen it before, but I'd like someone to explain to me why the Manzo boys have a picture of Kathy glued to a suit of armor in their apartment.
Poor Lauren. Caface is probably the worst name I've ever heard for a salon. Not to mention I can't read it or hear it without thinking it's "cat-face".
And that's about the last thing people would want out of a salon. Also, I'd love to hear what happened with Lauren's booth at Chateau. She brushes it off like "things didn't work out at Chateau. After my grand opening, I kinda just walked away." HUH? That's pretty quick to give up on something. Saying that something "didn't work out" implies you invested time and effort into it. Not like, I had a bad night and I'm not going back there.
Why on earth would Kathy even take Richie to the business meeting? Ugh, he's the worst. OF COURSE he's going to take it over and humiliate her. That's what he does!
Hang on, sorry, I was just barfing after Rich's "my favorite dessert is Kathy" comment. I won't even acknowledge what he says after that because it's really and truly one of the most repulsive things I've ever heard.
Oh man, another awkward business meeting--the Gorgas discussing Melissa's music career. I really can't anymore with Melissa as a singer. It's too much and it's terrible.
Quick sidenote: You may have noticed that I've recently become obsessed with gifs of Britney Spears on X Factor. It's true. I love every second of the 2 episodes I've seen of X Factor, PURELY because Britney is incredible on it. She might give the best reactions of all time, both facially and verbally. I can't recommend the show enough to anyone who already has a soft spot for Britney and how dumb and/or brilliant she is. Also, the show is incredible for moments like this.
Seriously gives me goosebumps. So yeah, I plan on using LOTS of Britney gifs from here on out, because, how could I not?
Okay, back to Jersey: We see Caroline and Jacqueline going to Posche for some shopping. Let's all get real here for a minute. Anyone still shopping at Posche is either an ignorant enabler or they just enjoy seeing the progression of "Faces of Meth" firsthand.
Does Danielle still shop at Posche now that she's been kicked off the show? Wouldn't that be amazing if she walked in while Caroline and Jacqueline shopped? WHAT IF SHE CAME TO THE FASHION SHOW?!?! Seriously, though, why has Danielle fallen off the face of the planet ever since she got kicked off the show. She used to be friends with Kim and shop at that store all the time, right? So why wouldn't she be at the fashion show? It's all just a little fishy to me...
Oh my gosh, you guys. Jacqueline trying on this sparkly dress with her jeans at her ankles is amazing and adorable and she's the absolute best.
Teresa's gladiator boots at his playdate are very strange. I mean, I guess if there's ever an occasion to wear gladiator boots, it's with a tube top and hot pink booty shorts while playing outside with your kids.
Oh boy, FaceTime with Ashley. Many she is NOT looking good. Jacqueline can say she's doing PR work all she wants, but I can tell by that face of hers that she's either a stripper or escort. Maybe both. This is the most awkward video chat ever.
Ew, this guy at the salon saying he knows Melissa is super skeevy.
Even if that's true that Melissa stripped at his club, why in the world would you ever bring that up??? And you can tell Kim is LOVING this. Totally orchestrated, too. She definitely set this whole thing up and is loving watching it unfold. When Teresa politely tries to cut them off, saying she doesn't want to talk about family, Kim's face is disturbing. Through a huge, evil Cheshire Cat grin, she says "oops" and shrugs her shoulders, but she's obviously enjoying herself. Eww. She's a really disgusting person. I actually kinda feel bad for Teresa because she does seem genuinely uncomfortable with Kim and the perv trying to gossip and badmouth Melissa and she tries to shut them down pretty quickly. When he walks off, Teresa is obviously shaken by the whole thing and repeatedly says that she really just doesn't want to talk about it because it's family and they're in a good place. Which, good for her, because I do think that's the right thing to do.
The perv comes back into the room to apologize to Teresa for his comments (and to put some ice cubes in their champagne?) and I cannot believe the balls Kim's got to ask follow up questions to this guy. How is Teresa friends with her?! How is THAT not a betrayal worth freaking out about, like she did when Jacqueline asked about the magazine. Honestly, this makes me more angry than it probably should, but the whole thing seems really hypocritical to me. She repeatedly said to Kim that she doesn't want to talk to this guy, doesn't want to hear anything bad about Melissa and really doesn't want anyone else talking about her family. She's obviously upset about the whole thing, and rightfully so. That's a NORMAL reaction to have when someone brings up something to embarrass someone in your family. So why is it that when Kim starts asking the guy questions about Melissa stripping, saying she just "has to know" Teresa just rolls her eyes and then leaves the room so she doesn't hear it. Why wouldn't she freak out and yell at Kim for betraying her and get upset? Why would she just leave the room and continue to talk about Melissa? Being passive and allowing them to gossip about your family is just as bad, so no matter how many times you say you don't want people to talk about them, you're allowing it to happen if you just walk away. It just seems like she's giving Kim a pass to be pretty despicable, even though she's already said numerous times she doesn't want people talking about Melissa. And this guy, despite Teresa telling him not to talk about it, ANSWERS Kim's questions!!! These people are terrible. Seriously awful. Kim is just so slimy. To use getting ready for the fashion show at this salon to bring together Teresa and this creep just so his and Melissa's history comes out? Gross. It's also really crappy of Teresa to let that slide but to hold a grudge against Jacqueline for MUCH MUCH less.
This fashion show looks like it's going to be a whole new level of tacky. It's actually pretty hilarious that Melissa keeps describing it as chic. Ummmm that's not how I would describe the venue.
Ewwwwww the sleazy guy is approaching Melissa. So crappy. And the look on his face when he looks down at a very nervous Teresa is like...seriously, this guy might be a serial killer.
Of course Bravo split this into two episodes, so all the drama is in next week's finale. It should be good, though, and I'm anxious to see how Teresa spins this onto other people. Not that I think it's her fault that the guy approaches Melissa, but she could've warned her, you know? Or at the very least, when he came up to the table, Teresa could've asked him to leave, knowing he wanted to bring up the past again. I don't know, but it will be interesting to see how she blames everyone else for it and tries to make herself be the victim.
It's already time for the season finale of Dance Moms? Geez Louise guys, I was just getting into this season!
Is it just me, or does Abby begin every week by saying they're competing for nationals? Honestly, If they're traveling across the nation every week for competitions, wouldn't they all technically be "nationals"? She always makes it seem like every trip is the BIGGEST competition they've ever been to. She's like the boy who cried wolf about the importance of these competitions.
DOES BROOKE HAVE A HICKEY?!?!?!?! Or has she just had a tracheotomy?
Maybe she's recently been shot? I don't know, but they really need to address this.
The diary of Anne Frank?! THAT'S A DANCE???? Really, honest question, how do you dance about being a poor Jewish girl, trapped in an attic, hiding from Nazis who ultimately gets killed IN GOOD TASTE?
And how does contorting her body like she's on The Exorcist convey Anne Frank?
What is Abby's deal lately with the disturbing group dances? I just don't see how pretending to give another girl CPR is artistic and beautiful. I love that the girls are all running to their moms, freaking out about how weird this dance is. Thank heavens these girls have some sense of normalcy left.
I totally forgot that all these moms have husbands and other children. How is that possible? Those other kids must be completely deprived of attention.
Look, I don't want to be weird or anything, but the next time I get my hair cut, I'll probably go in with a picture of Paige. The kid has great hair. Also, if I ever start dying my hair, I'll take Brooke's picture. It's normal to want to look like a 14 year old, right?
Kelly saying she can't take it anymore, AGAIN, boy who cried wolf. I think they just insert that sound bite into every single episode. And when Abby says Paige needs to be seen by a pediatrician, basically saying she's stupid, and Kelly's like "I have to draw the line somewhere!" that irritates me, because you know she's going to keep taking Paige to Abby. Such an empty threat. Yeah, the dance teacher is insulting my daughter's intelligence right in front of her and making me travel across the country for nothing, but...eh. Whatevs. I just don't get how these moms get SO worked up and just want to quit and Abby makes the girls feel like total crap but they keep coming back to her. What are they getting out of it?
Will someone please explain to me what this photo shoot is for that Paige is doing? I'd like to believe that it's not just for the photographer's personal collection, but....it doesn't seem like there's any purpose to these pictures.
Whoa, Kendall with some attitude towards Chloe! That's pretty out of character. Not necessarily the bad mouthing as much as just her talking, which she never does.
I know Cathy puts on a big show for the cameras, but she isn't actually this annoying and immature in real life, is she? Chanting "Clean Chloe's Clock" might be the dumbest thing I've ever seen. BUT I can't complain about her camera time because that means VIVI! And can someone please explain who this guy is with Cathy? PLEASE tell me he's the dad of one of these dancers. Happily married to a woman, not an ounce of gay in him, I'm sure.
Okay, Justice's mom is a stripper, right? We can all agree on that.
Uh oh...drama between Cathy and one of her moms! I love that Cathy's star student, Justice, has his mom calling Abby to get into her studio. I also love how embarrassed Cathy is about this whole thing. Maybe you shouldn't constantly start fights and try to bring up stuff you don't have knowledge of, Cath. That's really hilarious. Why did the moms encourage Cathy to confront Abby if Justice's mom was just going to basically admit to what Abby was accusing her of?
Here's how you know Cathy is not a normal person and has no shame. Just the day before, she was humiliated to find out that her star student's mom had, in fact, contacted Abby's studio like Abby claimed. And here she is, way overconfident, standing outside Abby's door, cheering and clapping. Yeah, she's setting herself up for more embarrassment, I have a feeling.
WHY IS JUSTICE COVERED IN PAINT TO LOOK LIKE HE'S BLEEDING TO DEATH? If he's doing some sort of interpretive dance about Lord of the Flies, I'm going to lose it. I'm just hoping he's pretending to be a feral child.
I know it's normal to make these girls wear a ton of makeup when they perform, but FOR THE LOVE, Christi, please pick another color lipstick for Chloe because that shade of purple is embarrassing the Latinas from 1998.
I must've not been paying attention to Brooke's solo. I missed the part at the end where the Nazis capture her and her family and they die a gruesome death. She conveyed that, right?
You know, I don't know much about dancing, but it does seem like Brooke and Mackenzie are pretty good and are pretty impressive during their solos. But it's pretty clear that not everyone was as impressed.
Aren't the Candy Apples girls kind of embarrassed that they're like 16 but they compete against Abby's group of girls who are like 12?
Paige makes a great frozen statue in this dance.
But really, this dance is weird. Although I could watch Maddie walk like a zombie all day long.
YOU GUYS! Mackenzie, Brooke, and Chloe all won first place for their solos in each of their divisions!
Yay! So proud of Chloe!
Dang, ALDC cleaned up in this competition. They won like...everything. That's pretty dang good.
These women are so emotional about the possibility of Kelly not bringing her girls back next year. First of all, you guys, she says she's done like every single week. I wouldn't get all worked up about this. I mean, all these women spend so much time together, I'm guessing their cycles have just synced up and they're just crazy PMSing because Kelly is all talk when it comes to leaving ALDC. Second of all, the girls JUST finished their last dance. Is this really the best time to be talking about leaving? Way to be a buzzkill, Kelly.
BREAKING NEWS: THERE'S GOING TO BE A DANCE MOMS REUNION NEXT WEEK. I'm going to watch that so hard my eyeballs might bleed. FINALLY things are working out for me.
My lovely sister, Mandy, got me the breathable bumper I registered for, which I'm super excited about. Now I can make sure my baby doesn't get her limbs stuck in the crib rails without worrying if she's suffocating! Win win. Today I got the mattress pad in the mail, so I washed all the bedding so I could put the crib together. Honestly, and maybe foolishly, I assumed that getting all of that stuff would be the hardest part. I was very wrong. I got the crib skirt on with no problems but struggled a bit with the mattress pad. I don't know if it shrunk up a bit in the wash but it's a very tight squeeze on her mattress. Once I finally got the mattress pad on, I was trying to put on the sheet. It's like I've never seen a fitted sheet before. I think I tried to put it on sideways like four times. Even once I got the right orientation I couldn't figure out why it was too poofed out on one side and not reaching to the other. Most normal people would just shimmy it over so it lined up. Me? I took it off and started over. Ugh...that's not even the worst part. So okay you guys. I spent LITERALLY 45 minutes trying to put the bumper on the crib and never could figure it out. I'm just...realizing I'm not that bright.
Please, please let this baby get Jacob's brains. The thing is, I still don't know why I could NOT figure out the bumper. I feel like I tried every possible combination of the two bumper panels and I couldn't get it to line up right. Is there something wrong with me? Am I really retarded and no one has ever told me? Because if I am, people, please tell me. I can handle it. So...yeah. As of now, the bumper is "on" the bed, but it's all wrong. I'm just gonna have Mandy come over and fix it for me if Jacob and I can't get it once he comes back into town. It's just a bummer because I was so excited to see the bedding all come together and have something look finished. It's also super depressing because I spent 45 minutes trying to put on BABY BEDDING and couldn't figure it out. Despite have written instructions in front of me. With pictures. Yikes. Sorry Mensa, but I may not be joining your ranks just yet.
In other nursery news, the painting is all done and I LOVE how the beadboard has turned out. Jacob did an amazing job, ESPECIALLY considering he'd never done paneling or molding before. It looks awesome. All he has to do is pull the outlets forward so they line up with the paneling and that will be all done. AND My mom and I finished the curtains!! It only took four sewing days and about 20 hours, but hey, I'm a terrible seamstress. If anyone comes over, PLEASE do me a favor and don't look at any of the hems. I'm not kidding, I am terrible at sewing. So yeah, Jacob and I bought the curtain rod but didn't get the chance to hang it before he went out of town, so I'm hoping to do that maybe Friday. Then we'll push the furniture into place, hang the pictures, set up her monitor and be DONE. I can't wait. I'll be posting pictures as soon as all that is completed.
Well I need to get back to important things--eating skittles and watching Homeland. We have free movie channels for the next month, so I've been downloading episodes of shows I've been wanting to watch and have totally gotten sidetracked by Homeland. SO.GOOD. I highly recommend it. Before Jacob left town, I had watched the first three episodes of the show and he watched every minute with me, which is totally unlike him. As a general rule he does not watch tv unless it's a sporting event or a solid, well respected comedy. He hates any tv series that's a drama, and normally can't handle anything that contains any violence. Homeland isn't super violent but there are some graphic/intense scenes and he still seems to enjoy the show. He'd never admit it, but he was glued to each episode I put on while he was home, and that's a pretty great endorsement.
So trust me, if JACOB likes a drama, it's pretty good.
Okay so here's thing. I'm pretty irritable these days, there's no doubt about that, and I'd never deny it. So today when I strolled into Bed Bath & Beyond looking for a present for a wedding we're going to this weekend, I knew there was a possibility I might hate everyone else in the store. It's just how I am these days. EVERYONE IS ANNOYING.
After waiting awhile to get the registry printed off, I looked through the registry to figure out what to get the couple. I was a little overwhelmed because their list was so long, but I figured I'd just go to the kitchen stuff and start there. They had a few pages worth of kitchen stuff, so I figured I was bound to find plenty of things to get them. UNFORTUNATELY Bed Bath & Beyond is the absolute worst because I seriously couldn't find anything in the kitchen section that they had registered for. Cookie sheets? Yeah, that's a good starting point, lemme find those. NOPE they don't have them. Fluted cake pan? Sure, that's a nice gift, let's just see...NOPE not there. Spoon rest? Yeah, I use mine all the time and kinda wish I had a second. NOPE. Definitely not worth carrying. WHAT THE HECK, BBB???? So irritating. I literally just had to grab ANY presents I could find in the kitchen section that they actually had in the store. So their present from us (hopefully you're not reading this Cannon or Melinda!) is four cutting boards, a couple of spatulas/flippers, and an apple cutter. And I really wanted to get them one more thing, but after looking for 30 (I counted) more items and finding ZERO, I figured it was just time to get the heck out of there. I have never in my life had such a hard time buying a registry gift.
After I finished checking out, I asked the cashier if they would gift wrap it for me. She said, "yes, you can go right over there to the cleaning section." Okay, finally, something easy so I can get on to my next errand. AND THEN I REALIZED WHERE SHE SENT ME. I saw a table that said "Complimentary Gift-Wrapping! Do it Yourself!"
Are you serious with this garbage? I've literally spent AN HOUR in your poorly stocked and terribly marked store with ZERO help from employees. Now you've taken away a service you've been doing for years so that your employees can continue on in their discussions amongst themselves about their lunch break?! Not cool. BUT, I was pretty certain I didn't have any wedding wrapping paper and I didn't want to start rumors within the church by wrapping their presents in a bag that says "It's a Girl!!" so I slunk off to the self-wrapping station. As I tried to figure out which box I'd need--which is a harder task than you think, since the boxes are all flat and you have to put them together to see if they'll work--I noticed that one of the cashiers was watching me. I tried to shame him away by looking directly at him, but he was undeterred. He continued staring at me with an intensity that was honestly making me nauseous. Look people, I've watched enough Law & Order: SVU to know what a sexual predator looks like and this guy was one. I kept hoping for someone to come to his line to busy him, but unfortunately he continued staring at me. The discomfort and general uneasiness lessened as anger took over while I tried to figure out which box size I needed. The boxes were kept under the table, which may be a wonderful storage solution, but it is NOT THE GREATEST when you're nine months pregnant and bending down and over to pick something up makes you feel like you won't make it back up. After several minutes and assemblies of varying box sizes, I found the right one, and then realized that I had tried all the boxes, so I had no clue which size box had worked. So I'd have to go through the whole mess again to put the top of the box together. I went through the whole drill again, trying to fit the different boxes on the bottom of the already assembled box, when the manager came over and said "oh, you just use the same size for the top that you used for the bottom and they'll fit together."
Lemme tell you something, toots. The minute your store decided they no longer could spare the manpower to wrap my present, you lost the authority to give me any advice on said present wrapping. I mean, does she think I've spent my whole life in a cave? Hmmm...equal sized boxes to wrap a present. Interesting idea. I was just going to fill this box with some tissue paper to make it look fancy, but I guess closing it is one way to go. So this 10 square inch box bottom WON'T work with this 8 inch long rectangular lid? Why is that? Will you please explain how shapes work? Because I'm stupid. Meanwhile, Leering Larry is still staring at me, and I'm so grossed out by him but angered at his manager, that I just grabbed the scissors from the wrapping table and turned to him to give him the most menacing look I could come up with. Didn't seem to phase him from the staring, but I guess he didn't realize that was me threatening him. Now the pervert and the manager have angered me even more because I'm like, okay, simple solution--if I'm such an idiot, she should have this creep come wrap the present for me since he's OBVIOUSLY not doing any work, and then he can be put to use and stop freakin me out. Two birds, one stone. That didn't happen of course, so I continued on with the wrapping. I figured out which lid to use, folded it up and spent about 4 minutes trying to jimmy the lid onto the bottom.
I can't explain to you how much physical harm I could've done to the next person that irritated me at that point. Once the box was finally together, and I was figuring out how much wrapping paper I needed, some girl walks up to me, watches me wrapping the present and says "Oh wow! We can do that! How great!!"
If she had stood there any longer I may have stabbed her with my scissors. That kind of positivity is not welcome here, sister! All in all, it took me about 15 minutes to fight the battle with the self-wrapping station. Today, Bed Bath & Beyond took about $50, 80% of my sanity, all of my patience and an hour and a half from me. Also, if something terrible is to happen to me in the next few days, please contact the BBB at Willowbrook and inquire about a man who looks like an overweight Vizzini and likely has a record of sexual misconduct.
Let's all just agree that this week's episode of Jersey was pretty boring. I guess the Bravo people were like "ehhhh last week was good enough. Let's just give them stuff that we were gonna cut." So yeah, I don't really have that much to say about this week's episode.
Why are all of Teresa's kids sleeping in the same bed? They've got a pretty huge house. Seems like they could spread out a bit. In case anyone ever wants to know what my daughter will dress like, it's the exact opposite of how Teresa is dressing her daughters.
Melissa missing the bus is kind of classic. Here's the thing with Antonia's first bus experience, at least SHE was able to stay with her parents. Quick (okay more like long) anecdote: When I was in Kindergarten, at the end of the first day we all got lined up for our buses and the tag my teacher put on me had the wrong address. So I'm riding around with the rest of the other kids, not really thinking about much until I realize that there are only a few kids left and I don't recognize the street we're on. Once the other kids got dropped off, it was just me. Now, I've always been a pretty emotional person, but you put a 5 year old on a bus with a stranger on her first day at a new school and it's pretty awful. The bus driver took me by the address that was on my tag, which of course wasn't right, and then just drove up and down every single street. Being the melodramatic child I was, I planted my face against the window and wept. I couldn't even see out the window to look for my house because I had fogged it up so much. I was pretty certain I'd never see my family again, and everytime the bus driver asked for more information or clarification on my street, I just shrugged. I mean, I was FIVE. I'm functionally retarded NOW when it comes to directions. There's no way I had a prayer of knowing where I was in a neighborhood we'd JUST moved into at five years old. So we just drove all over Cypresswood, trying to find my house. Finally we stumbled onto a street that looked familiar and I got up and ran to the doors, pressing my face into the glass. Certainly not something the bus driver would normally allow while the bus was in motion, but we were both so distraught and emotional, I think she would've let ME drive if she thought that meant finding my home. Thankfully I spotted my house, with my extremely worried mother standing outside. We both jumped for joy at the sight of each other, and the neighbors probably thought I was some POW coming home after a long imprisonment with our reactions, but it was AWFUL. Since then, my mom's told me that I was over an hour late being dropped off, and though she called the school multiple times, they didn't know where I was or what to tell her. I can't imagine how scary that would've been for her. Also, since I only went to half-day Kindergarten, I was WAY late on my lunch, so I'm pretty sure my mom took me to Taco Bell. Which was like, the ultimate treat for me. Little known fact; Taco Bell is a part of many of my scary childhood memories. When I got pneumonia and had to come home from school, my sister Ashley picked me up because they couldn't reach my mom. So even though I felt like I was dying, I thought I was pretty much a hot shot for being home alone with her while she watched soap operas. She had gone to Taco Bell for lunch and let me have some of her food--it was my first time trying soft tacos. True story. And then another time TB factored into a somewhat traumatizing memory was when I broke my arm. I had been so good at the doctor's office getting my cast on (they didn't have pink like my mom had PROMISED ME I could get) that my mom took me to Taco Bell and I got 3 crunchy tacos. I remember taking the first bite and being like "yep. Totally worth it." For being integral in some of my scarier memories, I can't say it's tainted my feelings for Taco Bell. POINT OF THE STORY BEING, Antonia was lucky that her first bus experience was just watching it drive by with her parents, knowing her mom would just have to drive her to school. She's lucky she didn't get stuck on it, marooned in an unfamiliar neighborhood, certain she'd be lost forever. BECAUSE THAT STICKS WITH YOU. Also, here's hoping she never throws up on a school bus....that also scars you for life. But that's a whole different story...
Back to Jersey--
Teresa and Joe talking about the trip. Ehhh whatever, I'm over them and I'm certainly sick of him. He's like some primate that has somehow learned words but doesn't know how to use them. Just because you're speaking doesn't mean you're saying anything, Joe. I love that his comment about Caroline is "Whatever Caroline, go dye your hair." Uhhh okay? I guess he's insulting her?? Does he realize how many women dye their hair??? It's not like she's trying to hide her age. She did just have a 50th birthday party....
I just don't get why Teresa puts up with Joe making fun of Kathy's appearance. If Jacob said ONE word mocking any of my family's looks, it'd be lights out. NOT OKAY GUY. Sure, Joe, Kathy has big eyes, but she's a pretty lady. Teresa, on the other hand, looks like a Muppet/primate.
Victoria, I don't recommend University of Maryland. Also, this tour is making me very uncomfortable. Rich is probably the most annoying person these girls have ever given a tour to. Also, poor Kathy. Poor EVERYONE in her family who seems shocked at this dorm. IT'S A DORM. None of them are nice, none of them are big. I love that Kathy is like "I think this will be the deciding factor on whether she goes away or not." You can't be serious.
Oh boy. Kathy's family goes to DC. Seems like they could be botching a lot of history here, going through the monuments and memorials.
I'd like to amend my earlier statement. If you want to know how I'll be dressing my daughter, it's the exact opposite of how Teresa AND Melissa dress their daughters. Also, I will not encourage them to pretend like they're models on a runway.
Because the last thing I need is to have my daughter freebasing fun dip or snorting pixie sticks all for the sake of practicing to be a model. NO THANK YOU. Also, there's just something about Teresa's little girls on stage that's a bit...sexual to me. Like, she's prepping them to use their bodies to make money.
May not want to go down that road, Tre.
Joe Guidice at the launch party on the step and repeat--he's already super drunk, right? Thank goodness he's not legally allowed to drive. Teresa didn't invite Jacqueline to the Fabullini (ugh) launch party!??! I thought they made up? I'm so confused. Teresa, you're the worst. Oh wait, she's giving a perfectly rational explanation. "I decided not to invite her because she hurted me. For no reason. I definitely don't hold grudges, but it'll just never be the same...This is the thing: you can't stab somebody and then try to bring them back to life. It's too late then. The person's dead!" That makes total sense. And DEFINITELY sounds like someone who doesn't hold a grudge.
Okay you have to watch carefully, but at one point during the launch party, they cut to this crazy lady with spiky hair dancing by a piano, and I SWEAR I thought it was Liza Minnelli. LUCILLE TWO IN THE HOUSE, Y'ALL!
HOW GRAND!
The return of Dina is not nearly as graceful as she'd probably like, since she wipes out on the carpet like three seconds after showing up to the launch party.
And who is this guy with Dina, rubbing her swollen ankle? That's not her husband, right? I'm like 99% sure it isn't.
I am SO uncomfortable with this radio show of Caroline's. It's so awkward. Eeks. So much silence. Why is no one in her family piping in and talking to fill the silence?!?! I'm sure they're just editing out Caroline's full responses to these phone calls, but it seems like she does a terrible job of answering these questions. She gives super short and vague responses and then gets rid of the caller. Caroline, you might want to elaborate, friend. You really need to fill the time. Wouldn't it be great if someone crazy called in. LIKE DANIELLE?!?! PRODUCERS: MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
Dina's not really coming across that great in this episode. I still don't really see why she and Caroline are fighting and it's BOTHERING ME that she won't just turn to the camera and just lay it out for the viewers. Dina, sweetie, make yourself worthwhile and spill the beans while you're obviously drunk on bellinis.
HOLY SMOKES NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE LOOKS AMAZING. Posh fashion show AND some d-bag confronting Melissa about working at a strip club??!?!?! Might have to watch that bad boy live.
