Today was officially our last day of temporary living, so we've been here 90 days. On one hand, it feels like three months is a long time, and I can't believe we've been gone that long. On the other hand, though, it feels like FOREVER since I've seen an actual civilization. Now that our temporary living period is over, the company no longer pays our expenses. So looks like we're back to paying for food, rent, and utilities. That sounds obnoxious, I'm really not complaining, it was very nice to not pay for that stuff for the last few months. Now I'm going to have to really become Frugal McCheapster when I shop, though, because groceries are crazy expensive here. Jacob and I decided that for our last night to get reimbursed, we would go out to eat, celebrate a bit. We decided to go to JD's, Dickinson's attempt at barbecue. It's not bad, but it's also overpriced and the service there is normally pretty slow. Everything was going fine until my nemesis walked in. As I have mentioned before, I have an enemy here in town. I've never talked to her, but we have a mutual dislike for each other. I call her Cyndy, and the sight of her made me lose my appetite (the 2 glasses of Dr. Pepper and the fried jalapenos may have contributed to that). Here's the thing with Cyndy, she's got this weird habit of TRYING to irritate me at the gym. She likes to walk on the track at the gym while wearing these GIANT noise-cancelling headphones, and when she sees me running, she watches for me over her shoulder. She's got two moves: she either sees me coming and swerves to walk in front of me as I come up behind her, causing me to stumble and have to awkwardly go around her. OR she waits until I'm two steps behind her, then starts running at full speed (which is slow) so that I can't pass her. When she races me, I always either speed up to pass her, or just wait it out since she can only run for like twenty seconds. It's just really annoying to me. One of these days when she steps in front of me, I'm not even gonna slow down, and I'm gonna just allow myself to plow into her and take her out. Thankfully school has started now, so she's never there when I'm there. Oh, I guess I should have mentioned, she's eleven. IN MY DEFENSE, the first time I saw her and she irritated me, I thought she was a little person. Turns out she's just a weird, mature-dressing child. And here's what's annoying, her mom encourages her obnoxious behavior. There have been several times where I'm running and I'll come up behind Cyndy and her mom walking, and I hear the mom go "okay ready.?" and then when I get beside them, she'll say "GO!" Are you kidding me?!
I always wanna be like "look, dude, I'm trying to run five miles today. I'm not gonna gas myself just to race you." So naturally, I race them and I win. Like the daughter, the mom can only run for like fifteen seconds, so it's a pretty easy race, but it bugs me, you know? And then the next time I come up on them, they'll either do the same thing, or they'll start swerving from side to side, like daring me to get past them. The whole thing just irritates me. So when I spotted her tonight at the restaurant with her family, I pointed her out to Jacob who backed me up by saying "oh yeah, she looks annoying." THANK YOU. Yes she does. He also said there was no way her name was Cyndy. He thinks she's a Sidney. Psssshhhh, what does he know? She spotted me a bit later and we exchanged dirty looks. You're probably thinking I should be more mature, but....she started it! And once you get on my enemy list, there's no turning back. Just like Tom Haverford's dunzo list:
I've just come back from taking the boys outside, and poor Andy must have a little tummy ache, because he was eating grass. Here's what I love about Andy though, he knows he should eat the grass to settle his stomach, but he doesn't like the taste of it. So instead of chomping all the grass he can, like his brother does when he's sick, he just kind of licks the grass and pulls it softly with his front teeth. It's like watching myself when I have a sore throat. I know I'm supposed to gargle with salt water to make it feel better, but I'm not mature enough to do it without holding my nose and gagging and whining.
Today I went to the pilates class I love, and was disappointed to realize Miss Piggle-Wiggle was teaching it. She of course got on my nerves the whole time. She even made a point about starting early and then the class still went like five minutes over! I mean, no, technically I have nowhere to be, but it's a 30 minute class. That's what I expect to do. Once you see the class is going to go over, why don't you cut out a couple things?? Like this thing she had us do to cool down-we had to squat like sumo wrestlers (knees to the side), bend over, and sweep our arms across the floor, swaying from side to side, gradually rolling up until our arms were making big circles. Lady, this is pilates, not interpretive dance. I am not Pocahontas and this is not helping me cool down. End the dang class. Once we had gone a couple minutes over, one of the ladies started to get up and put her stuff up because she had to leave. The teacher was like "yeah yeah, I know. You guys just want to get your thirty minutes in and go." Well, lady, sometimes people have to BE SOMEWHERE. Not me, but some people! Maybe she has a child to pick up from practice, or maybe she has to make dinner for her family. Not everyone can just come up to the gym in their clogs and just fart around as long as they want! Also, I realized today that this lady looks like Miss Piggle-Wiggle, but has the laugh and the soul of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. So, yeah, she's not exactly likable.
I had to stop by Sherwin Williams today to browse the paint samples so I can give our builder the colors we want to use. That is if the house ever gets that far. SHOCKINGLY there was no one working at the house again today. Ohhhhh feigned surprise!
Please. Also, for those of you wondering, no, my builder never called me back. He did, however, call back Jacob within a couple hours of Jacob calling him on Friday. A feminist, I am not, but it's very annoying to me that he totally disregards my phone calls but will gladly call my husband. I'll give him a couple more chances, but then I'm totally pulling the feminist card. I'm gonna get all "I bet the women in this town won't want to build a house by some MALE CHAUVINIST PIG!" Hopefully he won't call that bluff because that would make no difference here. Pretty sure the feminist movement never made it to western North Dakota. ANYHOO, back to the paint store. I was trying to get a good selection of tans/khakis to decide from (even though I know I'm going to use the color we picked in our old house), and I was making the men working there VERY uncomfortable. Every time I picked up a paint sample, they'd ask me very nervously if I needed any help. It was very odd to me. They had other customers, but were still strangely concerned that I was hoarding paint samples or something. Suck it, dudes. I'm taking alllllllll of these home with me.
For some reason (insert Mom commenting on my hormones), I have been breaking out like crazy lately. Come on proactiv, this is what I pay you for! Currently I've got an especially painful pimple right on my cheekbone on the right side of my face. It's one of those big underground ones, so the whole area is just swollen and painful. I tried to tell myself earlier today as I was putting my makeup on that it really just accents my cheekbones, and gives me the definition I've always wanted in my face. In reality, though, it looks like I was punched in the face and could use a steak to the eye. Don't worry, everybody, I'm just a 26 year old with bad skin.
There are a couple of job openings at the hospital here that I'm applying for. I spoke with someone today who said she was going to forward my resume to the lady hiring for one of the positions. They'd both be really great opportunities, because they're part time, so I'd still get to sleep in, hang out with the boys, and go to the gym before going to work. I really, really hope they call me for interview, so keep that in your prayers.
Well that about sums up everything over here. Except I'm realizing now that I've got some pretty crazy heartburn going on. Looks like I need some juice! I bought this juice at Walmart, it's cranberry grape blend, and it is so good. It tastes just like communion wine, which means it's too strong for my mom, but it's wonderful. Sometimes to trick myself into thinking I'm a grownup, I drink it out of a wine glass. I like to keep it classy, folks.
It's really amazing how your Saturday night can start looking up with just a little win by your football team. We played Tech tonight and barely scraped out a win. We tried to give it to them, but ended up winning, and honestly, it feels good. I would suggest a celebratory trip to Applebees for half price appetizers and drinks, but we did that last night....
Because our game was a night game, we decided to order a pizza so I didn't have to be up cooking and miss a lot of the game. Also, we're pretty superstitious, and I wouldn't want to be up moving around during the game. It's very important to stay still so you don't mess up the mojo. So I ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut and left at half time to pick it up. I'm not sure if I've addressed the situation of our Pizza Hut on the blog before but, it's shady to say the least. Honestly, I was a little disturbed when I noticed that there was a rat trap by the front entrance that said "POISON TO HUMANS." THEN MAYBE DON'T PUT IT SO CLOSE TO THE PEOPLE FOOD, CLOWNS. The Pizza Hut here in town is actually a pretty big building, but you can't eat inside it, which Jacob and I found to be odd. That is until we found out that they got caught cooking meth inside the kitchen, and could no longer operate as an eat-in restaurant. First of all, how a restaurant can get caught COOKING METH near food and still be open for business at all is beyond me. Obviously it doesn't bother us, since we've eaten there three times since learning about the meth past, but it still seems like it shouldn't be allowed. Second of all, wouldn't closing it to eat-in customers only encourage using it as a meth lab, since customers only have access to the very front of this large building? You're basically giving them more room to cook the meth! By the cash register, they have a framed copy of the Dickinson newspaper from many years ago, when the Pizza Hut opened there. I'm not sure how they were able to land almost the ENTIRE front page of the newspaper with a headline that was something like "Pizza Hut Comes to Town!" but they did. I pointed at it to the cashier and said "huh, I thought you guys had been in the paper more recently." I was trying to be a smartass, referring to the meth bust, but he didn't hear me. Buzzkill. Also, I found it very suspicious that they had (I counted) 17 people working. 17! What the heck are all those people doing? Guarantee there is more meth being cooked there.
Today was homecoming at Dickinson State (yes, we have a university!), and they had this sign out by their athletic complex that said "Hawk the Plank!" Dickinson State is the Bluehawks, so I'm guessing they were playing some sort of pirate-themed school? I cannot even describe how much I love to say "Hawk the Plank." I'm sure I've said it upwards of 35 times this week, and tonight while we were eating our meth pizza, I shook a piece at Jacob while saying "hawk the plank!" I love it. Also, it makes me appreciate my "We're gonna hawk block ur jimmies" shirt. I'm guessing that was for a previous year's homecoming, and I am DESPERATE for one from this year. By the time we leave this town, I want to have a t-shirt collection of hawk puns for the university. It's a lofty goal, but I'll do everything I can to achieve it. Even if it means going back to the thrift store repeatedly to fight the gremlins and find t-shirt treasures.
When I go to the grocery store, I am VERY efficient. I've got a list, I know what my coupons are, and I know where everything I need is. Unless there's some idiot blocking my way, I normally don't even stop my cart to get something; I push with my belly and grab what I need off the shelf without stopping. Yesterday, while doing my shopping at Walmart, I got stalled in the meat section, looking for beef for stir fry, which I've never made. I was standing there for a few minutes, looking around, and there was a lady standing beside me, also looking at meat. She had a young daughter in her cart, who was very friendly. She said hi to everyone that passed, waved to them, and would just say things like "My name's Chelsea!" or some sort of cutesy thing. Now, I know most people would find that charming, but I was totally over it. Don't distract me from finishing my grocery trip, and you really shouldn't talk to strangers. Once I got the meat I needed, I put it in my cart and as I started to walk away, I heard "Mommy, who is that boy?" Surely not. SURELY she means someone else. So I turn around and see the girl pointing at me as her mom whispers "oh honey, that's a lady." WHAT IN THE WORLD? It's like every child in the town is out to destroy my self-esteem. Between the children screaming at my scary face, and this turd thinking I'm a boy, it's just not looking good for me. I think when I have a child, I will just sing him or her to sleep each night with a song I made up. "My mommy is a beautiful lady. She's all woman and not scary. Everyone else is jealous. Because she's a girl." The beat is a little bit tricky. It's hard to convey over the internet. But trust me, it's catchy and really, really sweet. The perfect lullaby.
Last night I made a recipe for Kung Pao Chicken, and I told Dana I would post the recipe, sohere it is. It was pretty good, and fairly easy. The hardest thing for me was that I also made steamed rice and did some stir-fry veggies, so I had three burners going. To me, that's like the equivalent of riding a unicycle while juggling with your eyes crossed. Dangerous and nearly impossible. If you're like Jacob and I, and you like Chinese food, but your town is too racist to have a Chinese restaurant, it's not a bad substitute.
Another day, another disappointment with our builder and realtor. This is the second time I've called the builder and both times he has not returned my phone call. Guess who's getting a call first thing in the morning? I'm guessing I'll get his voicemail, so then I'll be calling my realtor. Chances are she'll be a total dud too and ignore my call just like she ignored my phone call and email today (despite her text today telling me I should email her with my questions). I'm just pretty sure that if I drive by the house and no one is working...I'm gonna cut somebody. I have been nice up until now, but that's pretty much run out. From here on out, consider me KT. Obviously I don't have the big boobs or pretty hair, but that's good, right? Less to distract the workers with, I think.
Tomorrow is my long run for the week, 6 miles, which will be the most I've ever run at once. I'm totally dreading it because my shins and knees are kiiillllllllliiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnggggg me. Running four days a week has transformed by body into that of a 73 year old. Today I bought a new pair of tennis shoes, and I found myself tempted by the plush, comfortable looking SAS shoes. Think of all the support! And how easy they would be to get on and off, since they'd have velcro rather than laces. I ended up going with a pair that was much more age appropriate, but boy those SAS shoes were not lookin too bad. Here are the ones I got:
Obviously mine aren't grungy and used, but this is the only picture I could find with the right colors. My shoes are gonna make me look fresh to death, and I'm gonna show all the locals what's up.
FYI, I opened the window in our bedroom a couple of hours ago, and Andy promptly curled up on the bed. Jacob's been asleep for the last hour and a half, and Andy is still in the bed with him, curled up on my pillow, under the covers like a person. They make such a sweet couple.
Thankfully my airport experience was relatively painless today. My first flight was only half full, so I ended up having a seat open next to me. It was pretty incredible, to be honest. The second flight, however, was totally jam-packed. The guy sitting beside me seemed nice enough, and he didn't do anything that irritated me (except wearing a pinkie ring). It was the clown behind me that nearly got my eyeballs stuck n my head from rolling them in frustration. I'll never understand why adults don't make the connection that if they hit the seat in front of them, the person can feel that and it's super uncomfortable. Not sure if the guy sitting behind me was heading to Bismarck for some Jiu Jitsu competition and needed to practice on my seat, but he basically spent the entire hour and a half punching my lower back. Look guy, if you can see my ponytail flipping around from your kicking, you need to take it down a couple notches. A few times, as I was looking over my shoulder, giving him side eye in hopes of making him stop, I noticed that he was resting his hand on the top of my headrest, and a couple times got his fingers in my hair. After touching my ponytail the first time, wouldn't you realize how intrusive you are? Obviously not. At one point I fell into a light sleep and dreamt a spider was crawling up my hand, so my whole body convulsed and I yelled "BUG!", waking myself up. Thankfully, the people around me must have seen my eyes rolling back into my head and my mouth wide open only seconds before, so they ignored my exclamatory wake-up.
When I got home from the airport, Jacob was pulling into the driveway at the same time, so he opened the front door and the boys came running at me. Even Andy was happy to see me! In fact, he was so happy, that when he jumped up, he wrapped his paws around my waist to hug me, and his sharp thumbnail ripped my shirt. I've been giving them both a ton of kisses all night. Andy's already back to ignoring me, but Oscar still seems happy I came home!
A little bit later, Jacob and I took the boys for their walk, and as we were getting close to home, a lost dog ran across the street towards us and was trying to play with Andy and Oscar. He had a collar with tags on, so of course we wouldn't just leave him. I ran the dogs back to our apartment and grabbed a leash and Jacob's cell phone so we could call the owners and look up their address on his phone if they didn't answer. We were standing on the corner where we initially saw the dog and were trying to figure out what to do, because the owners wouldn't answer and their address was all the way across town--almost an impossible distance and route for this dog to take since it would have had to go under the interstate, and cross several "busy" roads. As we're trying to figure out what to do, the owner of the duplex whose sidewalk we were on comes out and says "Do you need to be on my grass?" I looked down and realized we were both like 2 inches off the sidewalk and standing in her grass. We told her we were just trying to figure out where this lost dog belonged and were trying to return him, and she paused, then, unfazed, repeated, "but do you need to be on my grass?" Good grief lady, we're trying to make sure this dog doesn't get hit by a car, and you're worried about your crappy, uncut grass? I rolled my eyes, took one step back onto the sidewalk, and gave her one of these:
Jacob's response was just:
I mean, I get that some people aren't dog-people, which I understand. Well...actually I don't. How you can look at something like a seeing-eye dog, and not see how loving, loyal and caring dogs are? But that's another rant for another day...Anyways, the thing is, we weren't in a flower bed or anything. Normally I don't just waltz through people's yards, but we were trying to not move around much, just in case the dog lived somewhere close. We just wanted to stay right where we found him in case the owners were looking or something. Thankfully, we ended up finding the owner, and she was VERY relieved and appreciative that we had found him. Unlike the last people whose dog we found and returned, who promptly put him back in the yard, and was out wandering in the street the very next day. UGH. Sorry, that's another rant for another day.
Well tomorrow I'm headed back home. I'm already missing these little moofs. How can you not, with a face like this?
I am, however, super excited to see Jacob, Andy and Oscar. This picture is from last Thanksgiving. And yes, I did wear my Michelle Tanner shirt on Thanksgiving. Maybe I'm thankful for Full House.
I found this picture on Hilary's computer from her wedding. It cracks me up because it makes me think of Arrested Development when Buster talks about how Lucille gets off on being withholding, and then she finds out he said that. "Here's this candy bar. No...I'm withholding it. Look at me, getting off." Jacob's my Lucille Bluth. Though I'm a bit like Lucille 2, since I tend to get a touch of the dizzies.
Hilary took me to Target today, which was like walking into Utopia. It's not that I'd forgotten how amazing Target is, it just hit me how crappy every store in Dickinson is. Sorry, Herbergers. I got a couple of baller shirts on clearance, plus a pretty awesome hat for the winter that even has earflaps. I'm fairly certain it was made for children, but I don't care. It fits my head, so it's mine now.
Well, I'm off to read. I need to get to bed early tonight, since tomorrow is going to be a long day of traveling. Like I said before, I'm really hoping my flights tomorrow are much less eventful than last Friday's. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me soon......
As you already know, last Friday I flew to Oklahoma City to see my sister & her family. To get there, I drove to Bismarck, then flew to Minneapolis, then to OKC. My first flight, the one to MSP, was a short flight, so I figured I'd just sleep through most of if. Unfortunately the plane was the size of a matchbox car, so we were super cramped, and the guy sitting next to me decided to keep his parka on for the flight. Maybe he's just on an extreme weight loss program, I don't know, but that parka was totally unnecessary. I was sweating in my tshirt! Anyways, despite his parka rubbing all over me for the whole flight, it was going pretty smoothly. The flight attendant even let me trade my two bags of peanuts in for pretzels! (it's the small things) As I'm trying to relax with my pretzels, Sprite, and book (Angels & Demons), the cell phone of Nanook of the North sitting next to me starts to ring. DUDE! You're supposed to turn your phone off. Rather than silence the call and turn it off, he ANSWERS HIS FREAKING PHONE. The balls on this guy! Seriously, I know I'm naive to think everyone turns their phone off on the plane, but who legitimately talks on their phone, without caring if people hear? And where's the dang flight attendant when you need her!?!?! In an attempt to lower my already elevated blood pressure, I made a promise to myself that if the plane started to go down because of this idiot, I would let myself punch his face at least twice. He got off the phone a couple minutes later. No big deal, no need to hurry, guy. You're only interfering with the communication and navigation of an AIRPLANE. When he finally decided to end the call, this joker has the audacity to lean over to me and say "can you believe my phone would ring on an airplane!?" It took about nine seconds for my face to go back to normal from this:
Uh, yeah. I can. You didn't turn it off, genius. A few minutes later, the pilot announced we were beginning our descent, and we had about twenty minutes left before landing. That's when the S got real, you guys. So Nanook turned to me and asked me if my book was good. I told him it was, and he asked me what it was about. I mean, I guess I could have summarized it, but as you've already realized from reading this blog, I tend to be a bit long-winded, and I didn't know how to summarize such a fast-paced book. Taking advantage of my hesitation, Nanook said "are you a Christian?" Now. Let me be clear. I think it's wonderful that he wanted to witness to me, and I think it takes a lot of courage to witness to a stranger, especially on a plane where you can't walk away if it gets awkward. However, I really didn't want to hear a lecture from him about how as a Christian, I should be reading anything by Dan Brown because that was blasphemous. I told him that I am, in fact, a Christian. He then proceeded to have the most uncomfortable interaction with me, quizzing me on my faith. The conversation went something like this:
N: "Is Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior?"
H: "Yes..."
N: "Did his blood take away all of your sins?"
H: "Yes...."
N: "What did his death save you from?"
H: "Uh...hell?"
N: "Specifically, what did his death save you from?"
Now that confused me, because I feel like hell is pretty specific. But I said "Umm... pain and suffering?"
N: "Would you be dead if he hadn't died for you?"
H: "Right now?"
He then proceeded to tell me how he'd for sure be dead if it weren't for Jesus. I didn't know if that was a metaphor for his soul, or he used to be in a bunch of bad stuff, but either way, I didn't really want him to elaborate. Somehow from there, the conversation took a very bizarre turn. This is going to be very much a stream of consciousness because it was the most random, disconnected conversation ever. I could not follow it, but I was also having an inner monologue with myself about how crazy this guy was. So Nanook starts telling me how his wife was reading his book about how Lucifer and Gabriel used to be best friends when they were angels. They'd play together, and run around, and play music. He then proceeded to tell me how from that book (which was fiction, dude), he could tell how the devil works through music. He then spiraled into this crazy conspiracy theory about this secret society that Jay-Z is in. He knows this because of the sign Jay-Z throws up.
I mean, come on, we're all thinking it. Satanic cult. Duh. So he goes on and on about this secret society that all these musicians are in and how they have to have $100 million to be in it, and they're called the Illuminati. I figured he was telling me this because I was reading Angels & Demons, which is about the Illuminati, so I just casually said "oh yeah, that's the group in this book" and I nearly had to pick his eyeballs up off my tray table because they nearly burst out of his head. He said "WHAT? Wow. See, God wanted me to tell you about this secret society." He then took that as confirmation that I needed to know the history of Jay-Z's affiliation with the group and how they work. From what I could gather, basically all these (black) celebrities are members of the Illuminati, and when they join, they have to commit to have a blood sacrifice made in exchange for success and fame. He was like "What's Jay-Z ever done? He used to do music, but it was crap, and he does nothing now. How does he make his money??...." dramatic pause "the Illuminati give him money." Oh brother. I didn't have the heart to tell him that actually Jay-Z is still really popular and his concerts do really well and he's able to make a lot of money from those, not to mention his other investments like the 40/40 Club, Roca Wear, and the New Jersey Nets, which he's a part owner of. Then he started telling me about Damon Dash, Jay-Z's old business partner and close friend, and how he was desperate to be an Illuminati as well, so he committed to making a blood sacrifice. Guess who that was? Aaliyah. I know what you're thinking, she died in a plane crash. Well, obviously the Illuminati planned that so that Damon Dash could become famous. Some other blood sacrifices of note: Suge Knight had Tupac sacrificed, Kanye West had his mom sacrificed and then skyrocketed to the top of the charts and became "the biggest player in the game" according to Nanook. He also kept saying "look at Jennifer Hudson. What has she done?? She's been in that one movie, and she's all over the magazines." Well, sir, I don't know how to tell you this, but Hollywood is a pretty twisted place, and in that industry, it's much more noteworthy if you lose 80 pounds than it would be if you won an award, donated to charity, or adopted a child. So, yeah, that's why she's getting so much publicity. Not to mention she's a pretty incredible singer with a huge fan base because of her beginning on American Idol. But Nanook believed she's been getting a lot of press because of the death of her mother and nephew a few years back. They were apparently her blood sacrifices. Another interesting tidbit he told me was that Prince used to be an Illuminati, though he isn't anymore (even though he said you had to die to get out) and he has a lyric in one of his songs about how Bin Laden's about to bomb. This was like ten years before 2011. He said this with a lot of drama, and I didn't want to ask him for more information, but I still don't understand what he was alleging. Does that mean Bin Laden's also an Illuminati? Or do the Illuminati just know when terrorist attacks are going to happen? Or was Prince telling his Illuminati brother, Osama Bin Laden to commit those attacks? Obviously I was getting very distracted. Another person he pointed the finger at was Beyonce. No, she's not an Illuminati, but she knows Jay-Z is, and she will probably commit a blood sacrifice too, before too long (why, I don't know because she's super rich and famous). He started talking about Beyonce's stage presence, Sasha Fierce, which represents sexuality, and makes her a Jezebel (this is probably when my Mom would start agreeing). Then he started talking about the Crazy in Love music video she made with Jay-Z, and how when the car explodes and she comes out of the flames, that's her emerging as a Jezebel. Then she starts grinding all over Jay-Z and the ground, which is supposed to represent how she's submitting to the devil (Jay-Z). I'm fairly certain she just wanted to get down and get nasty. I'm not sure she's deep enough to try to evoke that kind of imagery in a music video. He very much encouraged me to youtube a couple videos called blood sacrifices 1 and 2. I tried to watch the first one, but it was just too laughable and I couldn't concentrate because the commentator kept saying "don't get it twisted." I'm gonna start using that. He also recommended the movie, The Rite, with Anthony Hopkins. He was very scared by the movie because, in his words, it was real. I didn't want to bring him down by saying that they take a lot of liberties when the movie says it's based on a true story. Clearly this guy needs to believe in a good conspiracy theory. I know all that is pretty confusing, but imagine being told all this by a total stranger while the people across the aisle glance over at you. I wanted to yell that I wasn't the crazy person talking about a secret society, but you just never know who the Air Marshal will side with, you know? So he finishes up his theories and says "so tell me, now that you've heard the truth about all those celebrities, how does that compare with your book you're reading." Well guy, for starters, they're both complete fiction. It was so awkward! He was quizzing me on my fictional book and how it related to this theory he obviously totally believes. I didn't say much except that it was about the Illuminati and how they infiltrated the Vatican. He looked very intrigued. I kept saying that it was fictional, but he seemed to be ignoring that. Do not get it twisted brother, this is not real. I told him they made it into a movie and he was like "Oh, I gotta get that!" If the flight was longer, I may have just messed with him by saying things like "you know we never really landed on the moon" or "a plane never flew into the pentagon on 9/11." I think he would have totally been into it. The thing is, it's pretty hard for me to not laugh in someone's face when they're a total dummy.
Thankfully we landed and I was able to run away from Nanook and call Dana to tell her how crazy this guy was. It was nice to be able to get it all out and laugh about it, but I was also concerned about the people walking by me that couldn't hear me making fun of his theories. As if all that wasn't enough, I encountered another weirdo at my gate for my OKC flight. I stayed on the phone with Dana for most of my 2 hour layover (thanks Dana!), and I realized that my ticket said we were boarding pretty early for the flight time, so I walked over to the gate to see if boarding had begun. People were already gathered around the gate, but it looked like everyone's attention was on something other than the Delta attendant making the announcements. I walked down to see what the scuttlebutt was, and saw that people were trying to be sly about looking at some guy (rhyming bonus). I looked and saw that he had some gaping wound on his hand, like he'd been shot with a nail gun, and he was bleeding everywhere. I was trying to whisper all this to Dana, but it's pretty hard to whisper on the phone, so I had to walk away. I honestly have no clue what happened to him, or if he was injured before he got to the airport, but he clearly had been messing with it, because he had blood all over his hands, his glasses and face, and the wall behind him. It was gross. And it was still actively bleeding. He was just sitting there casually on the floor, waiting for our plane to board while he bleeds out in the Minneapolis airport. The Delta worker was sitting with him, and a few minutes later he stumbled past me. I wandered back closer to the gate to see if anyone remembered there was supposed to be a flight boarding, but everyone seemed too interested in the bloody guy. As I walked back away so I could get out of earshot to relay all this to Dana, I saw another passenger pick up a couple of bags, only to have the Delta attendant swat them out of his hands, yelling "the germs!" The man asked if the bleeder would be allowed on the plane, because if so, this kind man was willing to put his bags up for him. The lady responded "Um no, he won't be boarding." That's when I realized the bleeder had stumbled past me, leaving his bags at the gate, and disappeared out of sight, knowing he wouldn't be allowed on the plane. Now, I wasn't gonna be the one to say "bomb" in the airport, but to me that seems pretty suspect. I think the other people around me started to get nervous that he had walked off without his bags too, but at this point we were lining up to board. I was at the end of the line, and before I got on the plane, I saw the guy coming back towards our gate. I have no idea where he went, since there was a bathroom right by our gate, but we was stumbling around and even feel into one of the windows, probably due to low blood pressure. The two Delta women seemed very nervous at his approach and I was wondering if they were going to Paper, Rock, Scissors who had to tell him to leave the gate and escort him away. That was probably pretty awkward. Meanwhile, some cleaning staff had come by and were bleaching the wall where his blood was. I'm very pleased to say that the bleeder and his carry-on bombs did not make my flight. I think everyone was holding their breath before the door closed. Everyone around me was watching the front while we were taking our seats, and you could almost hear the collective sigh when they closed the door and we started backing up. It was also pretty hilarious when we landed in OKC, we were all gathered around the baggage claim carousel and you could see people talking about it, and imitating the guy. I'm hoping my flights home on Wednesday are MUCH less exciting. I have a feeling if anything happens, I'm gonna get crazy anxiety and I'm gonna need something to help me relax. But then I'll probably end up like Annie on Bridesmaids.
So I made it to Oklahoma, and the kids WERE surprised (despite Luke saying he knew I was coming). Brinson, for whatever reason, decided that when he first saw me, he thought I was a boy. Guess it's time to change up the ol' hair style. Anyways, I'm trying to get in lots of time with the kids, so I'll probably post a lot on Monday. I've got some pretty awesome stories about the wackjobs I encountered on my flights. (get ready for some conspiracy theories!)
Until then, I'd like to give you a couple little treats. I happened upon some of the pictures on Hilary's computer, and they made me laugh. I honestly cannot explain what I'm doing in either of these pictures. But I hope you like them.
