Sunday, November 4, 2012

House Arrest Makes Me Awkward

As of Thursday, Olivia is 3 weeks old, which means that in three weeks I've left the house I think 5 times.  Three of those times were to take her to the pediatrician, which is a pretty stressful experience.  The other two times come courtesy of my sister/lifesaver, Ashley.  Last weekend she came by to see Olivia and sent Jacob and I out to get some frozen yogurt on a mini-date.  It was just a quick trip to the Tutti Frutti at the front of the neighborhood, but it felt
The only thing is, I've noticed that since I've basically been stuck inside since Olivia was born, I've regrown all my awkward preteen genes.  It's really pretty bad.  When Jacob and I went to get yogurt, it was like my first time in civilization.  Ever seen one of those documentaries about feral children?  That's what I was like.  I'd like to say I smelled better or had less body hair, but I don't want to lie to you.  For some reason, the whole excursion sort of started off as a failure because I decided not to take my purse.  I have NO idea why I did that.  Because of my poor decision, I was carrying around my phone, wallet, car keys, and then I had to balance my yogurt container.  So we start filling up our containers, and despite having lots of experience in buying frozen yogurt, I basically forgot how the whole thing works.  I way overfilled my container like some sort of rookie.  It was like watching some 9 year old come in and fill his whole container with yogurt and then overflow the thing with toppings and the whole time, you watch, judging him like "you idiot.  That's gonna cost like $25."  Yeah that was me.  And then it came time to pay and I set my yogurt on the scale with Jacob's.  The young gal (that's what people call teens nowadays, right?) working asked to weigh them separately.  I took mine off so she could weigh Jacob's, and in moving Jacob's off the scale, I basically spilled the whole thing all over the counter, losing like ALL of his toppings.  I apologized really awkwardly to both Jacob and the cashier, and was trying to pick stuff up, but all I could think of was "HOMEGIRL BETTER RE-WEIGH THIS THING BECAUSE I'M NOT PAYING FOR ALL OF THESE SPILLED TOPPINGS."  Once we got the whole thing figured out, I reached to get spoons and couldn't have been more awkward about it.  I grabbed one, then turned awkwardly and stuck it in Jacob's yogurt.  Then I turned around and grabbed another and stuck it in the yogurt we were taking back to Ashley.  Then I turned back and got another one for me.  Something that should've been as quick as one second in just grabbing all three spoons at once took easily a minute and a half.  It was like cards with the tards.  To top it off, I'm pretty sure I tripped walking out of Tutti Frutti.  I'm positive the cashier was happy to see me go.

My next venture out of the house was, again, courtesy of Ashley.  The other day, she came over to help me with Olivia, and once I finished feeding the baby, she sent me out of the house to have some time to myself.  I would love to tell you it was hard to leave and I was missing my baby every second, but that's not true.  All I did was drive to the Kroger at the front of the neighborhood and it was the most heavenly thing in the whole world.  I LOVED the alone time (probably more than I should've), and it was kinda hard to come back.
Ultimately the only thing that brought me down off my Kroger high was the old lady behind me in the checkout line that was trying to rush me out the door.  Obviously she was in a rush and felt like she was more important than me, but I was really losing my patience with her.  Check it, old lady.  This is my first real time away from my baby.  LET ME ENJOY IT.  Back up off me, for real.  At one point, she literally pushed my cart to move it forward, even though I was still unloading it....Not okay.

Even around the house I'm noticing I'm regressing.  The other day I was sashaying down the stairs, so pleased with myself for putting Olivia down without her crying.  I got down to the second to last stair and my house shoe slipped on the stair and I pretty much ate it.  Fell down both stairs and hit the tile pretty hard with my knees.  I'm fine, clearly, but thankfully no one else was here to see it because I lost all my swagger at that moment.  Another pathetic moment came from my baking last week.  I had made pumpkin chocolate chip muffins as a thank you for our neighbors who were kind enough to buy us a baby gift, even though I'd never even met them.  During one especially fussy nap time, I had come downstairs to get a break from the baby's screaming, so I turned on the monitor in the kitchen.  Exhausted, I leaned over and rested my head on the kitchen counter while watching Olivia scream on the monitor.  I stayed there for 10 minutes of crying before checking on the baby.  Several hours later, I finally had a moment to go the bathroom.  I noticed something on my face, and upon further inspection, I realized I had a melted chocolate chip stuck to my chin, which I must've rested my face on when I was watching Olivia on the monitor.  Bless my heart, I'm a total mess.